HelplessSoul

Hi there,

Thanks for taking the time to read this. This is my second time posting on here. I didn't exactly better my ways after the last attempt... or the god knows how many before.

I feel so damn horrible. I'm sitting here in my room in camp coming down off soft and drinking to try and compensate. Occasionally I glance over at my wall with the pictures of my family hung on it. I can't live with myself. Here I am doing these things to myself, when I would tear my children a new one if I ever caught them doing the same.

My addictive ways are not as bad as a lot of the postings I read on here. But how bad does it need to get? I'm functional. I contribute and provide for my family. I pay my child support. I just can't understand it.

Time and time again. I drink until blacking out only to wake dredding hearing about my behaviour. Thats if I drank in a group I guess as I more than often prefer to drink alone.

I crave, I cave, I regret, get depressed, feel remorse, justify, rationalize and the whole fckn cycle repeats itself.

I've been through this countless times before. I feel so horrible right now I wish I could die. But I know by the end of the day I'll be feeling better and I'll do it all over again.

How bad does it need to get? Do I need to hit "rock bottom?" Do I really need to lose my wife and kids before I can take an honest look at myself and say hey man. Smarten the **** up, you've wasted how many years of your life doing this ****? Where might you be if you had followed through on your last attempt to come clean?

Sorry for my rant if anyone has even read this far. I just don't know what to do. I hate myself, I hate what I've become. I just want to be happy. I want to be free.

If anyone could please shed some light on how they managed to break this cycle of addiction I would really appreciate it.

Thank you

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, HelplessSoul.

There are many ways to achieve sobriety, NA, AA, AVRT, SR, detox centers, in and out-patient therapy. But no matter the route, it is "one day at a time", a strong commitment and a lot of effort.

I am glad that you found your way back, HelplessSoul.

Pipefish

I went to, and continue to go to, AA. I found a sponsor to guide me through the step programme, and now make every effort I can to live my life according to the principles of the programme. It's a good life, far preferable to the one I had. Always worth a try

Anna

You can stop right now and declare it's your bottom and you're done.

And, getting out of the cycle (I was exactly the same as you) takes a leap of faith. I was used to the cycle, and it was familiar to me. It kept calling my name whenever I considered stepping out of it. I had no idea how to live outside of drink/shame ritual and that kept me drinking for too long. Take a leap of faith, step out and know that you can make it. Get through the day, get rid of any alcohol you have, don't buy anymore and do whatever you need to do to get through the day. Each day will get easier.

least

Glad you're back. I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Only then was I able to stay sober.

Jsober

I can relate, the cycle was miserable for me as well. It definitely fed off of itself. I didn't have a low bottom but the pain on the inside was low enough for me. You can make the change if you make some changes.
Will power alone rarely works with alcoholism. But there are programs out there to research and try. Why not try something else- it can't hurt and it may even change your life.

Thepatman

Reading other's situations and concluding you are not that bad = your addiction speaking

Thinking that because you pay your bills and child support you are not doing so bad = your addiction speaking

Any thought or justification for drinking when your logic tells you that this has become abnormal and unhealthy = your addiction speaking

Separate yourself from your addiction for a minute, try to see the 2 different voices inside your mind. The conversation between you and "IT"

Lookup AVRT, it explains what I'm referring to.

As others said, AA is also a great way to find sobriety, SMART recovery.

Just find the car / wagon that best fits you and get on board!

doggonecarl

The cycle is broken right here. You don't cave. You don't drink, no matter what. All the programs, all the support, those helps you live sober. But the not drinking, that is all on you. Commit to quitting, and quit.

Difficult? Heck yeah. Most things worthwhile are. But it gets easier.

LivinTheDream

Hey Helpless,
Sounds to me like you need to honestly figure out why you are self-medicating with alcohol? Once you figure that out, you need to find other alternatives to alcohol to deal with your issues. Without figuring out the why, you will continue the vicious cycle. I went through that cycle too many times... White knuckle it for 2 weeks not drinking, try to moderate for a couple of days, and then off to the races drinking 15 beers a day! I was very high functioning while going on binges, and really had to understand why, learn about trigger and how to deal with them, and find alternative hobbies, etc, to get me through tough times! Best of luck. Keep reading hear. Lots of great advice and insight!

Ruby2

I kept going until I decided I had enough and put the brakes on before I crashed into a brick wall without a helmet on. I had a choice and chose to stop. Only you can decide how much pain it will take to get there. I haven't lost my job because of my drinking. I pay my bills. I've never been arrested. I haven't gotten divorced or lost my kids. Yet. Those are all things that could still happen if I pick up a drink. It took me a long time before I stopped comparing myself to other alcoholics and thinking that my drinking wasn't so bad so pour me another one. I hadn't lost x, y, or z YET. But why wait until those things surely come along? I am no better or different than the homeless drunk living under a bridge. I just didn't lose everything. But I was miserable. Loathing myself for what I was doing. Every day. For years. I went to inpatient treatment and then AA. Relapsed but hauled myself out again and have five months sober. My life is what I wish to make of it. Do I chose to be drunk and miserable or do I choose to be sober with a fighting chance to make my life enjoyable? I choose to stay sober today. One day at a time. You can do it.

Raider

Well I certainly understand. The only thing that worked for me is (drum roll please), never ever ever stop trying. Ever.

And if you do that, you'll be sober one day.

Blessings.

Mrrryah1

I really appreciate this post. I know your feeling at this moment exactly.

StormiNormi

The truth will set you free. When you can accept the truth, you are halfway there.

Gottalife

What you have to do to get sober will depend on how far down the path you have come. Alcoholism is a progressive illness (if that's what your problem is). Over time it gets worse and more difficult to treat, so your treatment options become less.

A few of us get to the point where we seem to be beyond human aid (short of being locked up) and none of the many options that work for others, seem to work for us.

The head of our national addiction agency was on the radio a couple of days ago saying that recently released research shows we have a huge problem in our country with roughly 10 percent of the population with an diagnosable alcohol use disorder as per DSMV.

In terms of treatment he talked about a new generation of doctors who will direct the bulk of these folk to counselling and therapy and, he stated "Alcoholics Anonymous is a fantastic organisation for the more serious cases" I love this guy. After more than 30 years in the field, he really understands what AA is and what it can do.

AA worked for me when all else failed.

AdmimalBlueEyes

I agrre with all this , ^
It can get a lot f'ing worse quickly , allow me to name a few , then consider yourself fortunate that you have a chance to prevent these thing
Get a dui, dwi or worse get in a acident and hurt yourself or somone else 2-20 yrs plus guilt for life, or really screw your body up , organ failure ,blindness, I heard of somone who passed out from drinkining , they slept in such a position that they cut off circulation to there left arm and had permanent nerve damage . there is others like loosing a job, respect of others etc
If your looking for a bottom thats deeper then the one your at , I'm sure you can find and reach a lower one then your station, it sounds like you are aware you have a problem and want to do something about it , this is a great place to start. I always advise people to see a doctor within your first few days of sobriety to monitor bp and sugar lvs, and to visit copious amounts of meetings
Good luck to you
P.s if you believe in god , id advocate prayer

KateL

Try, try try again and never give op xxxxxxx

MariahGayle

Helpless.....I can "feel" your pain in this post - That is reason enough to "quit" the thing that is causing you such pain & unhappiness. I really do hope you do whatever it takes to be happy & free. You can do it, just as others who have have felt the same things you are feeling have.

yeahgr8

Find someone who was in this position and has broken the cycle, AA would obviously be a good start:-)

instant

I found after years of increasingly desparate futility, I stopped fighting, and took what came

Looking4Help123

Hey helpless,

Your post is really from the heart. I think perhaps you have taken the first step. You have recognised you are in a destructive cycle that you want to stop. Your next step is to post on here which is your second step. Those are the first steps i think are good ones. There are many next steps as described above. You need to find your own way through them. My current next step is being able to "let go" of my past and enjoy the moment. I mean that i sorta held my breath in my first 28 day sober time. This time im trying to breathe and just let it all go while i rediscover my sober self.

Whats important is that everyone find thier own path, while listening to those who have experienced it already. Take care good luck see you around