Unsure how to move forward - newcomer
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
What they said, and....
"The idea that somehow, someday he may control his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." (Big Book - 3rd Ed.)
I don't think anyone here can say that they haven't at some point hoped that they would learn the trick of moderation. If you are an alcoholic then it is unlikely that this will be possible for you. Take care.xx
"The idea that somehow, someday he may control his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." (Big Book - 3rd Ed.)
I don't think anyone here can say that they haven't at some point hoped that they would learn the trick of moderation. If you are an alcoholic then it is unlikely that this will be possible for you. Take care.xx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
How each of us moves forward is something of a personal choice. For me, surrounded by either...
(a) fellow old soaks who are friends with me mainly through drinking together
(b) family members who have never really drunk so don't understand the problem of stopping drinking
To be honest, I was shocked that my OH was surprised when I told him I was going along to AA for support. His response was, but you haven't got a problem. You don't drink now (after 4 weeks sober following 25 years drinking far too much). And he's a drinker.
It can be a lonely business when no-one in your circles understands. How CAN they support you if (a) they don't understand alcoholism, and (b) you don't necessarily want to share it with them if they aren't close friends or family.
Some people prefer to go it alone. Others get a counciller or go to a group.
For me, in that 25 years (and previous) there are a lot of things that I've buried my head in the sand about and not dealt with. I also am undecided about religion, and am accepting of others faith (not everyone feels comfortable when higher powers are spoken about, but it doesn't worry me in the least). Therefore the format of AA works for me. I like the fact that we look at and discuss the issue of alcohol as it relates to our lives and the human condition, and the fact that it encourages reflection individually and shared as a group. For example, yesterday the reflection was on Anger. Everyone had interesting thoughts about it, and it helped me to share my thoughts, and was even more helpful to listen to the experiences of other members. (Not everyone shares, so you can keep quiet if you prefer).
You do have your father to talk to though, who will understand a lot of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing right now, so I agree that perhaps that's worth a go.
Best of luck with whatever you try.
(a) fellow old soaks who are friends with me mainly through drinking together
(b) family members who have never really drunk so don't understand the problem of stopping drinking
To be honest, I was shocked that my OH was surprised when I told him I was going along to AA for support. His response was, but you haven't got a problem. You don't drink now (after 4 weeks sober following 25 years drinking far too much). And he's a drinker.
It can be a lonely business when no-one in your circles understands. How CAN they support you if (a) they don't understand alcoholism, and (b) you don't necessarily want to share it with them if they aren't close friends or family.
Some people prefer to go it alone. Others get a counciller or go to a group.
For me, in that 25 years (and previous) there are a lot of things that I've buried my head in the sand about and not dealt with. I also am undecided about religion, and am accepting of others faith (not everyone feels comfortable when higher powers are spoken about, but it doesn't worry me in the least). Therefore the format of AA works for me. I like the fact that we look at and discuss the issue of alcohol as it relates to our lives and the human condition, and the fact that it encourages reflection individually and shared as a group. For example, yesterday the reflection was on Anger. Everyone had interesting thoughts about it, and it helped me to share my thoughts, and was even more helpful to listen to the experiences of other members. (Not everyone shares, so you can keep quiet if you prefer).
You do have your father to talk to though, who will understand a lot of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing right now, so I agree that perhaps that's worth a go.
Best of luck with whatever you try.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Rickh54, thanks for the words of wisdom.
I'm 39 and always said I will top before I hit 40. I am doing it and making the baby steps.
The losing a best friend part was resonated with me the most. Every time I failed was because I did not fill the void of this "friend" presence with new activities and sober people around me.
Why did I create this imaginary friendship? Because I have never learned how to deal with my emotions. 20 years later, here I am.
coastagirl, the choice is in your hands and we will respect it no matter what that choice is.
But for us older Alcoholics with our long term drinking careers, someone young as you really grabs our attention, straight to the heart.
Try to learn to be yourself and high on life sober, to deal with life on life's terms
I'm 39 and always said I will top before I hit 40. I am doing it and making the baby steps.
The losing a best friend part was resonated with me the most. Every time I failed was because I did not fill the void of this "friend" presence with new activities and sober people around me.
Why did I create this imaginary friendship? Because I have never learned how to deal with my emotions. 20 years later, here I am.
coastagirl, the choice is in your hands and we will respect it no matter what that choice is.
But for us older Alcoholics with our long term drinking careers, someone young as you really grabs our attention, straight to the heart.
Try to learn to be yourself and high on life sober, to deal with life on life's terms
Because water is much better.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: SC, USA
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by Thepatman 
Try to learn to be yourself and high on life sober, to deal with life on life's terms
Love that. It makes me want to approach everything with more clarity than ever before. I appreciate your words (and everyone's) so much. I wish I had as much advice for myself as you guys have for me. Not that my problems with alcohol can all be solved overnight, but talking with you guys on here has made me think...a lot.None of my friends or family know the severity of my situation. When I go to visit my family across the state soon and relax at their homes, they're going to wonder why I'm not doing the norm---hinting at the nightly glass of wine that I'll drink ever so casually, swirling in my class, smelling before I drink it...to appear as "together" and as "sophisticated" as possible. It's moments like that that I dread. I don't want to have to explain myself! But if my family cares about me, then it'll be worth it. If they don't then I can move on without them I suppose. Gahhh.
A lot of you have said that trying to drink in moderation is pretty much impossible for many. Has it worked for anyone? Right now, I don't see how it could work for me. I feel like it would just keep things in a cycle. Am I, in a way, selfish to want to drink in moderation even though it has potential to hurt me and the people around me? Do I even call it a 'want'? I'm a giving, caring person (and don't get me wrong, I'm sure the vast majority of us on here are) but I just feel like I haven't been giving enough -- maybe enough of who I really am.
Anyway, I've got to continue working on my last few papers for school (almost done completely)! Talk to you guys soon. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Coastalgirl - when you go to visit your family across state, why not tell them you're doing a charity Stay Sober (If you're uncomfortable with the fib, you could always actually do one, even if you just sponsor yourself and donate the cash in a charity box on the way home) xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
well coastalgirl, I could not recommend trying to 'moderate' there is another thread posing the same question and it has been answered many times. I think you've heard enough that you hopefully understand that it doesn't get better.
If you want to show your sophistication, try swirling a club soda with a lime twist. Just say I'd rather not drink alcohol. If anyone presses you, just say I'm trying to stay healthy.
You actually do need an excuse to not drink. Just say no thank you and that should be enough.
Even during my drinking days when I did not drink, nobody tried to pour it down my throat. Not today was always good enough.
If you want to show your sophistication, try swirling a club soda with a lime twist. Just say I'd rather not drink alcohol. If anyone presses you, just say I'm trying to stay healthy.
You actually do need an excuse to not drink. Just say no thank you and that should be enough.
Even during my drinking days when I did not drink, nobody tried to pour it down my throat. Not today was always good enough.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 65
Coastalgirl, I am glad to see you are self-evaluating. I was in a similar situation at 23. I knew that my drinking and drug use was out of control, but it was college. I had a "what the hell" attitude. I continued, but you don't have to keep going. In only 5 years, I went from good-time college drinker to unemployed, unhealthy nobody. I don't want that to scare you; I want you to see that feeling like the commitment is "weird" keeps you in a tailspin. You comfort yourself by recognizing you have a problem, but you never do anything to change the situation. If you need anything, PM me. I have only been here 2 days, and I already feel a sense of community.
Because water is much better.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: SC, USA
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by LBrain
well coastalgirl, I could not recommend trying to 'moderate' there is another thread posing the same question and it has been answered many times. I think you've heard enough that you hopefully understand that it doesn't get better.
I haven't seen that thread yet but will take a good look.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by coastalgirl
:... A lot of you have said that trying to drink in moderation is pretty much impossible for many... Am I, in a way, selfish to want to drink in moderation even though it has potential to hurt me and the people around me? Do I even call it a 'want'? I'm a giving, caring person (and don't get me wrong, I'm sure the vast majority of us on here are) but I just feel like I haven't been giving enough ....
One of the AA steps is about recognise the insanity of alcoholism - can you spot it in your own statements above?? You realise that it (a) has the potential to hurt you, and those you care about, and (b) realise that it stops you acting in a giving, caring way. Yet you still pursue it. BUT, the first step is recognising that you are powerless over alcohol, and at the moment you are still pursuing the alcoholics mirage / delusion / fools gold, which is moderation.
You KNOW the answers to your questions really, but the alcoholism is whispering sweet nothings in your ear, trying to keep you drinking. The way to be the caring, giving person who you will treat in a caring, loving and respectful way that you deserve is to refuse to listen to that voice and its false promises. Alcohol will NOT make you happier. It will not make you wittier, more successful, more caring or more loving.
If you want you can keep asking the same questions until someone gives you the answer that you hope for, or you can do what, I think, you already know in your heart you need to do.
Keep strong and keep safe - one day at a time. You CAN do this - and you owe it to your kind and loving sober self to do this!! xxxxx
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I would try and find an AA meeting, go and listen to see if you can identify. As far as I understand there may be some younger person meetings you can go to in the States? I am in the UK, we don't have specific meetings here in most places.
To me that doesn't matter that much as you are going to get some help on how to live life without booze and some answers, who cares if you get that from a 20 or 70 year old at this stage?!
It would be a positive step forward for you and you will be pleasantly surprised I am sure!
I go to AA, went not being able to imagine a life without drinking and 5 years later it is actually a really cool life now. I could give you a list of alternatives to AA but I haven't done them myself so wouldn't be able to recommend them. In sobriety I found oughtn't about a third if people out there choose not to drink so I am in good company now, I thought everyone drank like me!
To me that doesn't matter that much as you are going to get some help on how to live life without booze and some answers, who cares if you get that from a 20 or 70 year old at this stage?!
It would be a positive step forward for you and you will be pleasantly surprised I am sure!
I go to AA, went not being able to imagine a life without drinking and 5 years later it is actually a really cool life now. I could give you a list of alternatives to AA but I haven't done them myself so wouldn't be able to recommend them. In sobriety I found oughtn't about a third if people out there choose not to drink so I am in good company now, I thought everyone drank like me!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Northeast, USA
Posts: 1,629
CoastalGirl,
You are exactly where I was last year when I first discovered SR. I knew I had a problem, wasn't sure I wanted to call myself an alcoholic, and the thought of never drinking again was frightening. I wanted to be 'normal'. That's what I told my wife. It took all this time, but I finally realized I can't be normal. I can't have little wine with dinner or an occasional drink with the guys. If I do, I know I'll want to continue and I will lose control. Because I drink to get drunk.
This time I believe I quit for good. I felt so crappy I had just had enough. This time, I really wanted to quit. I was 100% committed. The thing that keeps me wanting to stay sober is how good I feel when I'm not drinking. I know that if I take a drink, it will make me feel crappy. But I'll want to have more, and I'll risk falling back to my old ways.
You have to really want it to make it work. Try not to think about never drinking again. Instead, try a little experiment. Pay close attention to how you feel now. Then, stop for a while. Get it completely out of your system. Notice a difference? Do you want to ruin that good feeling, that positive attitude? If you do choose to ruin it, pay close attention. It's quite an education.
BTW, Next month I'll be a 'costalguy' for a while as we're going to Myrtle Beach for a week or so.
Goose
You are exactly where I was last year when I first discovered SR. I knew I had a problem, wasn't sure I wanted to call myself an alcoholic, and the thought of never drinking again was frightening. I wanted to be 'normal'. That's what I told my wife. It took all this time, but I finally realized I can't be normal. I can't have little wine with dinner or an occasional drink with the guys. If I do, I know I'll want to continue and I will lose control. Because I drink to get drunk.
This time I believe I quit for good. I felt so crappy I had just had enough. This time, I really wanted to quit. I was 100% committed. The thing that keeps me wanting to stay sober is how good I feel when I'm not drinking. I know that if I take a drink, it will make me feel crappy. But I'll want to have more, and I'll risk falling back to my old ways.
You have to really want it to make it work. Try not to think about never drinking again. Instead, try a little experiment. Pay close attention to how you feel now. Then, stop for a while. Get it completely out of your system. Notice a difference? Do you want to ruin that good feeling, that positive attitude? If you do choose to ruin it, pay close attention. It's quite an education.
BTW, Next month I'll be a 'costalguy' for a while as we're going to Myrtle Beach for a week or so.
Goose
Because water is much better.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: SC, USA
Posts: 43
And still... no glass of wine (or drink at all) since March 29th and it's been hard almost every night. I just started a new job, I plan on talking to someone professional soon, I love M&Ms, and I enjoy vacuuming. So there's an update.
Gosh. What a drab couple of sentences. Generally things are going okay for me. I haven't been the same since I stopped drinking, and sometimes I don't feel like it's for the better... I also feel like I have been eating way, way more (and chocolate specifically) since I stopped drinking. Anyone else ever go through that? My mind has made a few guesses: "Oh, you're just filling the 'void' with food." Haha... Great. Now I'm gaining weight and getting pimples. I'm also more irritable and mean for no reason to people like my husband. What's. Going. ON. Grrr...
Gosh. What a drab couple of sentences. Generally things are going okay for me. I haven't been the same since I stopped drinking, and sometimes I don't feel like it's for the better... I also feel like I have been eating way, way more (and chocolate specifically) since I stopped drinking. Anyone else ever go through that? My mind has made a few guesses: "Oh, you're just filling the 'void' with food." Haha... Great. Now I'm gaining weight and getting pimples. I'm also more irritable and mean for no reason to people like my husband. What's. Going. ON. Grrr...
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hey coastalgirl...good to see you here!
Eating more and going for sweets is pretty common. Give yourself a while to adjust and replace drinking with healthy behaviours. In the beginning, just going without alcohol is all we can focus on sometimes, and that's ok.
You've made a very important step.
Look forward to seeing you around.xx
Eating more and going for sweets is pretty common. Give yourself a while to adjust and replace drinking with healthy behaviours. In the beginning, just going without alcohol is all we can focus on sometimes, and that's ok.
You've made a very important step.
Look forward to seeing you around.xx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Oh Coastal girl. Great to hear you're still sober. Me too. Mostly feeling good, but then occasional (completely unexpected and irrational) bad patches where I'm tearful and don't know where to turn. The AA meetings have pulled me through those bits.
The sugar thing is 'interesting' isn't it. I was getting through SO many sweets. Plus, I'd started eating them in a secretive kind of way, and doing a kind of mental refusal to acknowledge how many I was getting through (denial I suppose) that reminded me of my drinking. Anyway - started doing some looking at research that's been done on the connection between sugar and alcohol and found this website....
Radiant Recovery® - Dr. Kathleen DesMaisons, author of Potatoes Not Prozac, The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program, Your Last Diet
Thought a lot of what she said sounded very familiar, so bought her Kindle Book
Potatoes Not Prozac: How To Control Depression, Food Cravings And Weight Gain eBook: Kathleen Desmaisons: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store
Can't tell if it's going to work yet because I'm only on the first week of stage one, but thought it can't hurt to try.
The sugar thing is 'interesting' isn't it. I was getting through SO many sweets. Plus, I'd started eating them in a secretive kind of way, and doing a kind of mental refusal to acknowledge how many I was getting through (denial I suppose) that reminded me of my drinking. Anyway - started doing some looking at research that's been done on the connection between sugar and alcohol and found this website....
Radiant Recovery® - Dr. Kathleen DesMaisons, author of Potatoes Not Prozac, The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program, Your Last Diet
Thought a lot of what she said sounded very familiar, so bought her Kindle Book
Potatoes Not Prozac: How To Control Depression, Food Cravings And Weight Gain eBook: Kathleen Desmaisons: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store
Can't tell if it's going to work yet because I'm only on the first week of stage one, but thought it can't hurt to try.
Because water is much better.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: SC, USA
Posts: 43
Emergency: Need help immediately. Waiting on my therapist to call me back. I have been seeing her for about 1.5 months now and she has been awesome. She is a recovering alcoholic herself, actually. She, my husband, and I have been talking about my alcohol problems... Really the reason we started seeing her in the first place. She's always told me "if it's not a problem, then it's not a problem" (emphasizing that I should control myself enough with drinking to keep it together). I've been drinking for the last month and a half and I can't do this anymore. I blew the whole control thing. Last night I was hammered and made out with my best friend/touched her vagina through her bathing suit. Oh, did I mention I'm married? To a wonderful man who has tolerated all my **** and who loves me but doesn't deserve me? I feel like a major **** up. My words in this post don't do my feelings justice. I told my best friend that I think being completely sober is the right thing to do for me...and I wasn't just saying it as an "ughhhh hangover" girl. I mean it. And she supports me too. See though, but she's the kind of person who says "it doesn't mean anything; we were drunk" - are you kidding?! ...I've hurt my husband and I've been a burden to him when I drink too much... Until my therapist calls back this was the first place I wanted to go. Haven't told my husband yet. He's in Boston seeing a friend, flying back tonight. Guys... I'm a mess.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 888
My opinion is you already know you have a problem with alcohol and if you're seeing a therapist that's trying to convince you that it's NOT a problem then you may need a new plan! For me, it took admitting and then accepting that I was an alcoholic and then finding a solution!
Each time I would stop on my own and then drink again things only got worse! That's how this disease works...
Having been in very similar situations while drinking my suggestion would be to STOP drinking right now, say nothing to your husband because you're not emotionally ready to talk about that. Talk to your therapist, but then find a program like AA where you can get help for your addiction. Working the steps in AA has saved my life! It works.
Pulling for you! You can do this, you just have to do it!!!
Each time I would stop on my own and then drink again things only got worse! That's how this disease works...
Having been in very similar situations while drinking my suggestion would be to STOP drinking right now, say nothing to your husband because you're not emotionally ready to talk about that. Talk to your therapist, but then find a program like AA where you can get help for your addiction. Working the steps in AA has saved my life! It works.
Pulling for you! You can do this, you just have to do it!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
hey coastal, youre getting great advice, but I feel something has been left out.
im not speaking for everyone, but am speaking for myself and others I know. there is some difficulty, but there are things that just don't happen all the time.
* you can still have fun. probably more.
*you will not be viewed as a downer, or buzzkill by the partying folks. they just don't care. in example) picture the last big drinking party you were at. remember the non-drinker? you may not of noticed, but they were there!
* whether or not you try the moderation thing, for those of us who make a commitment to stop altogether no longer have to play the game (how much? how often? drink counting. blah blah blah).
* food is better without wine. -I know what you've been told. its a lie. same for beer pairing.
-theres more, but I got stuff to do! hope you stick around!
im not speaking for everyone, but am speaking for myself and others I know. there is some difficulty, but there are things that just don't happen all the time.
* you can still have fun. probably more.
*you will not be viewed as a downer, or buzzkill by the partying folks. they just don't care. in example) picture the last big drinking party you were at. remember the non-drinker? you may not of noticed, but they were there!
* whether or not you try the moderation thing, for those of us who make a commitment to stop altogether no longer have to play the game (how much? how often? drink counting. blah blah blah).
* food is better without wine. -I know what you've been told. its a lie. same for beer pairing.
-theres more, but I got stuff to do! hope you stick around!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
i just realized my third sentence above is confusing. (LOL!).
what im trying to say is everything you fear that you may miss, sober, is an illusion.
occasionally i wonder if i may miss just the feeling of intoxication by itself. it sure isn't very significant compared to what i have gained. not even close.
what im trying to say is everything you fear that you may miss, sober, is an illusion.
occasionally i wonder if i may miss just the feeling of intoxication by itself. it sure isn't very significant compared to what i have gained. not even close.
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