Berrybean

Well done - keep going back. It helps, and it works!!

I went to my 4th meeting yesterday and YAY!! there were some ladies there. Two in particular were amazingly lovely and inspiring. I'm so grateful for the meetings being there, and the fact that somehow I found the strength to walk into that first one.

Congratulations.

PS: I have a journal where I write my daily reflections, either based on the twelve-steps (I'm on 2 1/2 at the moment) or the AA daily reflection Alcoholics Anonymous : DAILY REFLECTIONS . Anyway - in the back of the journal I've noted some inspirational quotes for quick reference. I'm considering putting this one on a little purse sized card and laminating it to carry with me when I'm going places where I could be tempted...

"The idea that somehow, someday, he may control his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence if this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." (The Big Book - Third Edition)

Again - well done on your achievements so far. You're doing brilliantly.

junk33

not really sure why ? because i knew the answer already , i went another 7 days sober ,been there 20 times over the last few years .I watched the Bill W movie on youtube with James Woods . Ive been on internet all week reading about the positives and negatives about AA. I have been reading the BB. I thought i would buy a 26er as a experiment ..stupid i know , half gone in 3 hours , i knew it would be ..texted my alcoholic friend ,he wants the other half ,ill drop it off tomorrow during work. Why do i constantly think i can moderate my drinking ?its like some fat 60 yr old bald guy thinking he can bag some young hot chics in his speedo..no chance in hell ..trying to understand my reasoning ? who was i kidding? ..i cant drink normally ..im not that stupid ,yet i continue to try..my week was boring as hell sober but the weird thing was i liked it ..went to DQ for a peanut buster parfait ..shopped for some work shoes ,and had a early morning coffee by myself at the local coffee shop ..it would bore the the tears out of most people but i enjoyed it ,in a weird ,your a loser ..dont tell your friends you enjoy this way ..

junk33

plus all these zits on my 40 plus yr old face arent cool ,eating chocolate like crazy the last week ..i got one on my left cheekbone that probably has its own moon ..probably not what attracts women? ..just guessing?

Berrybean

The sugar craving is normal. Nothing disappears as quickly as a pack of chocolate biscuits at an AA meeting!!

Jeni26

I'm sorry you picked up again Junk. You know...every alcoholic at some point thinks they will be able to moderate. Even when they've tried a million times, they think this time will be different.

You know now, don't you, that it isn't true? Doesn't matter if you've been sober 7 days or 7 years...if you are an alcoholic...moderation just isn't an option.

So, now, what are your plans? Are you going back to AA? Call someone and tell them what happened. And take some numbers of people who you can call next time you get those whispers in your ear that drinking some beer might be a good idea. Those whispers lie....

junk33

thx Jeni , i know better than that , getting rid of my booze tomorrow..looking forward to getting on the boring train , its tough ,i know ..boring is fun .. ill never knit anybody a sweater though ...f#ck that ...lol

Jeni26

Think you've got it upside down. Being sober isn't boring....not at all. What was boring for me was waking up with that guilt and shame that a hangover would bring every day.

I've done more with my time being sober than I ever did drunk.

That's another lie your addiction is telling you. Listen to what sober people are telling you...if it was worse being sober, why would anyone want to do it?

Dee74

I agree with Jeni, Junk.

My drunk mind told me sobriety was boring - and I believed it because the few weeks I had sober *were* boring....because I did nothing different....

Whats bearable in a drunks life isn't always so in a sober one - if you're bored, think of things to do man - hobbies interests? things you'd like to do?

D

junk33

just before i go to bed ,i had a thought , im past the half way point of my bottle ,i would drink the whole thing , i need to get up in 5 hours , and i would drink the whole bottle!..there is really something drastically wrong here bro ..wtf is wrong with you ? experiment gone drastically wrong ..i cannot drink period ... somebody punch me upside the head ..back at it tomorrow ..

Jeni26

Chuck the bottle out now Junk. Get rid of it and start again tomorrow.

We will be waiting for you....

Berrybean

I know what you mean Junk33, but when I go with my partner (who still drinks - a lot!) down the pub, I find the first half an hour to an hour catching up with friends fun. Then it's 'okay' for a bit, but gets a bit repetitive, then after that it's just mind-blowingly infuriating listening to them (my friends??!!) blathering on. No wonder I had to be pissed to enjoy it! I do miss that illusion (which I now realize that it mostly was) of friendship. Don't get me wrong - I do have a few real friends amongst them, but these were the people I saw for sober activities as well. The trouble is that they, like my partner, tend to fill the weekends with drinking activities. This has been a four-day weekend and I've found it incredibly trying, with times of acute frustration (anger) and loneliness. Both of these being major triggers I have had to make use of all the AA meetings that are going on. They have really helped, but I know that I need to establish some better routines for myself that incorporate other, sober alternative activities as well as AA meetings. The thing is, and this is going to sound absolutely pathetic, after 25 years of filling all my free time with drinking, I don't really know what else I DO enjoy. I need to get to know myself - the real me that has been hidden underneath the alcohol all these years. It's scary stuff, and part of quitting drink that never really occurred to me until I was trying to deal with it.

Good lord - I do go on. Sorry about that. It was supposed to be short and sweet!!!!

junk33

been going to meetings this last week but im thinking at this point that i may stop going ,i feel they are the same everytime ,not sure if im getting anything out of them ? first 3-4 were a new experience and eye opening but they have been the same since , i believe in a higher power and pray and meditate daily ,i can listen to alcoholic's stories online or youtube ,I dont smoke ,i like coffee , i can say the serenity prayer myself each day ..am i wrong here ?i know for some people its needed daily but the meetings seem to be the same each time ..not knocking AA but not sure if its for me ..or ive taken everything i can from it already ..

Dee74

I think you need to give it more than a week quite honestly Junk - what about going to a different group?

What would you do for your recovery instead of AA?

D

junk33

I find there is a lot of pressure in AA . more than im comfortable with ..I believe what they are saying ,that i need God's help ,which im perfectly ok with ,but do i need to go there all the time .ive got SR and other online sites,plus online AA...Dee you are a inspiration you said it took you many attempts before it stuck, i know it will stick soon ,i havent got there yet ,but i know it will ,maybe tomorrow .maybe monday ..im harder on myself than anybody ever could be .. i beat myself up daily over my drinking ..i would hate to meet myself in a dark alley ..sober me would leave drunk me in a bloody mess..its a struggle and im here still fighting ..one day i will finally get it

StormiNormi

I know for myself, Junk- if I don't physically take my body to a meeting on a minimum 2x per week, I will drink. It is easy to hide behind a screen, but when you get f2f, you can't BS an alcoholic (in recovery) if you want sobriety, you have to go to any lengths to have it. That means you must step out of your comfort zone, throw away all your preconceptions and become both accountable and teachable. You might not like it, but the program has proven itself millions of times. Trust the process and do the work. Trust me, it IS the easier way. We cannot do it by ourselves. Your last relapse proved that point.

Dee74

Yeah it took me many attempts Junk. I didn't get anywhere tho until I tried some new things and stopped being resistant to change.

I think the breakthrough was me *not* fighting myself anymore actually.
You can't win that fight. It's too evenly matched, man.

I just accepted I could drink...or be the man I wanted to be...
but not both.

y'know?

D

Berrybean

Completely agree with Dee. It's not about fighting yourself / beating yourself up. It's about learning to live with the sober you in a sober life. Leaving the melodrama of hating ourselves behind and learning to be positive. Dealing with grudges we hold against others, and eventually trying to put things right that we messed up. I'm early on in this journey, but I def know that AA isn't just about not picking up the drink, its something much bigger. If you think you've 'got it' in a week, you really haven't got what it's about.

junk33

its been a week of hell ..I want to go 6 months /year ..one day at a time ..i couldnt do it today ,sundays are the worst ,the anxiety of the work week plus stopping the alcohol makes it double , im so tired of the internal conflict ,so exhausted of the fight , i hope by next sunday ill be posting about my sobriety for a week ..i feel like such a ***** for continuosly failing ..im going to do it this time and maybe it sticks and i can get my life back ..if i cant i wont post again ..im disgusted with failing time after time

Berrybean

The thing is, online support is one thing, but when you're really struggling (with cravings or the emotional stuff that sobriety chucks at you), getting your toosh to AA is the best thing. Like you, I find Sundays the worst. I've found that going to a meeting Friday and Saturday and Sunday keeps me sane at the weekends. And if I'm REALLY struggling, at least there are people there who understand. At the end of the meetings here we do serenity prayer, followed by "keep coming back, it works if you work it." And I think that's true, but 'working it' isn't going to three meetings then saying you've heard it all! You need to give it a proper go. Listening, reflecting and (when you're ready) talking so that others can help you. xxx

Dee74

Keep posting Junk - if you're struggling it makes no sense to do less...do more, man

D