GreenEggsAndHam

I don't even know if I want out. I have 41 days sober (longest stretch ever!) and the last couple of weeks have been brutal with each day my desire to drink growing stronger and stronger.

I stopped going to meetings, stopped calling my sponsor, stopped taking my anxiety meds (they weren't working), stopped taking the antabuse (because I at least want the option to drink), stopped answering calls and texts from all friends in recovery, am borderline isolating, and just want a $*(^# drink.

I am in high stress mode right now due to the lump I discovered in my breast last week and all doctor's appointments and imaging and tests, plus it's tax time and I'm late getting the info to my accountant (home business) which is very embarrassing and I owe out the wazoo, I'm backed up on work orders and get customer messages all day and night that I have to tend to...*sigh* Drinking always helped me cope and relax.

My pink cloud has turned and I'm not enjoying this so much anymore. I know I need to call my sponsor and get back to meetings but I don't want anything to do with anyone right now. I just want to be left alone. Surely I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way.... Really hoping it will pass.

Carlotta

I m on my cell so I can t really elaborate but when I m in a funk, doing a gratitude list and some volunteer works always work.

GreenEggsAndHam

I feel grateful, just super stressed. Unless I have breast cancer. I won't be very grateful for that.

Dee74

Hi GEAH

Look back at the last time you drank - re-read some posts.

That's what's at stake here.

Take a look again at the list of the things you've stopped.

Start doing them again - you won't like it, but you'll thank yourself later.

Fears a biggie - but drinking won't alter your diagnosis...or stop you worrying about it.

You have my prayers and the prayers of everyone else here, that the result will be a good one

We don;t want to lose you again - and I know there's a part of you that doesn't want to be lost again either.

Compass1

I feel your pain. I'm at day 64. The longest ever. I am under a lot of stress right now and its just hard. Drinking never made things better, though, and my life has improved since kicking it... professionally at least. My social life is in a slump but where did that ever get me anyway.

biminiblue

Please don't drink at the problem.

People want to help you, please reach out to them. Just don't pick up that first drink. Your sponsor or anyone from any meeting would help you talk through this. Please call them.

Dee74

Things will get better Compass. We drank for years, it'll take a little time for us to find our sober sea legs.

64 days is great - but it's the start not the end

D

sugarbear1

sending you love and hugs

huntingtontx

Hang on. There is nothing that a drink can't make worse. You did good in coming here. This place saved me from myself more then once. I will be praying.

Brian316

Well, my sponsor would definitely tell you you have all the ingredients lined up for a relapse. Think of all the progress you've made though. The emotional roller coaster of early sobriety is definitely wild I know. I never realized how moody or crazy I am that's for sure. And I am sorry it sounds like you have a lot of stress. But, the worst place we can be is trapped up in our own heads. I am glad you posted here, don't give up! Your story may help someone else. My advice is at least pray and call your sponsor. I'll even do one of those for you. Good luck!

2muchpain

Please take a few minutes to think of all the hard work you put into getting sober. Are you really prepared to go through that again? Besides, it sounds like you need a clear head now more than ever. I can see why you are so stressed out. Is there anything else you can do to get some release? Please think it through before you end up doing something on impulse, and I hope you call your sponsor. She's probably not hearing from you.

doggonecarl

You posted this in another thread:

"I vowed never to let any one person take my sobriety from me."

That "one person" includes yourself. Don't let you take your sobriety away.

GreenEggsAndHam

Thanks everyone. I already feel better just getting it out. People keep calling me (or bombarding as my overly-dramatic addict voice tells me) out of concern pertaining to "the lump" and I just kept saying "I'm fine, I'm sure it's nothing" and trying not to think about it or dwell but they kept calling and I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Soooo...this all makes me think of what my rehab therapists discussed (I really learned so much there!) and what my sponsor has said.

1. That the fine in "I'm FINE" stands for Feelings Inside Never Expressed.

2. In early sobriety the highs are really high and the lows really low (something to do with dopamine and brain chemicals and junk) but eventually it evens out over time. I just have to ride out this low.

I think I keep expecting it to get easier as time goes on, but I guess it will take a long time for that.

biminiblue

So glad you are having a better moment.


I was sober for 18 years. I remember that there were still high days and low days, and it really had not anything whatsoever to do with alcohol - it was just life and the Human Condition.

(eHug)

Justadude

GE&H,
I am so sorry you are in this place. I have only been past 41 days once. I understand abut tax season. My wife has a home based business but I am the one that has to manage the not fun stuff. It was a mad scramble to get things to the accountant just to file an extensions. We have filed extensions for so many years we just think tax season starts after the summer!

I don't know enough to give great words of wisdom. I know what is like to not want to talk to anyone and want to be alone. For me it spirals as well. I feel a bit on the outside of the circle when interacting and then it gets worse. I pull back and then feel more like an outsider... I pull back. Crazy, because I am a social animal, all too often an intoxicated social animal.

All I can really speak to is what I know about falling behind and losing productivity when drinking . Life and work stress me out and produces more anxiety than when sober. But I can't or don't care to claw my way forward when alcohol sucks the productivity out of me. I have read on here several times that these issues are best dealt with sober.

I am so sorry you are struggling. I have had those thoughts. " I just want a drink!

I don't know your belief system but I am praying for you, sending you positive thoughts and energy for your health scare and your long term recovery. Take your pick.

GreenEggsAndHam

Yep home based business and they will have to file an extension here too! I feel better knowing I'm not the only one! :~p

Thanks, y'all. I had a good cry and I know I'll feel better after this week. My sister had endometrial cancer, my father died of lung cancer, my mother-in-law had breast cancer and a double mastectomy last year, my very close friend's wife passed away at 40 of cancer in her jaw. I'm sure it's nothing but I can't help but worry a little.

SayAnything

Hi, geah.

Sending positive vibes to you from the February thread. I'm sorry you're having trouble. I hope you can get back on track. I know many people here are pulling for you and you have given some wonderful advice to lots of people here. Imagine someone else wrote your OP. What would you want to say to them?

I had a lump in my breast but it ended up being a lymph node that had migrated into my breast tissue. Who knew that could happen? Definitely not me. I am hoping and praying for your good health and your strength to remain sober.

newman23

I'm really pulling for you, GEAH. You can do this! You've done it 41 days in a row so far, and you can continue. Just take it one day at a time. I know you're under a lot of stress, but drink will not help things.

I can completely relate though. Recently, I've had some pretty strong urges to drink which my sponsor and meetings have helped me overcome. And I REALLY wanted a #%^*& drink. The next morning, the urge was long gone and I was so happy and thankful I didn't cave in. Once you overcome your current situations and obstacles, I am sure your sober self will be very thankful you didn't cave. If you do end up caving though, the stress will just multiply. Please hang in there, and we are here to support you anyway we can

Mountainmanbob

sure does help me to get back to earth
MM

Gottalife

I am sure we all wish we could do more to help in your time of need. But we must remember our limitations. In AA we can help with your alcholism. Through the steps we have a way of life where it is no longer neccessary to drink, no matter what.

We call it a spiritual awakening or experience and we are promised it will happen through the first 9 steps. Then we live in the last three to maintain that state of affairs. Just going to meetings and not drinking doesn't bring this about. You could go to 1000 meetings and still not have the awakening.

But, as the Book says, "what often takes place in a few weeks could seldom be accomplished by years of self discipline". Which tells me it need not take long to be free of alcohol for good.

The Book also tells us there will be trials ahead (p14) and how to survive them. The crucial thing is that if we are free of our alcoholic obsession, and have established a working relationship with the God of our own understanding, we find inner reserves of strength that we never knew existed, and we can deal with the worst things life can throw at us in a normal and sane way with no need to drink.

We still feel the grief and worry, stress and strain, but in our hearts, we feel ok, we know whatever happens, it will be ok.

All that is required is to follow a few simple suggestions. Then you will be in the best possible position to deal with what ever else life has in store.