Laura567

Really a great sober week with lots of excersice and fun with the kids, felt yesterday that I could handle some wine. Of course I couldn´t. Ended up locking myself by mistake in my walk in closet, panicked and had to break the door to get out. Woke up one of my kids, he weas scared of course and wondered what the hell I was doing. Might be rock bottom. I really don´t want to drink again. And I have to order a new door...really really embarrassing.
I keep on having these cykles, sober about a week, then I drink myself black out.
Thinking I might need some help, obviously I can´t make it by myself. As I have stated here a few times before.
Dreading how much I have ruined my kids by my stupud behaviour. They are my biggest motivator in getting sober. And I want to live a healthy life. Today I feel like **** and am covered in bruises.
And I keep thinking in my darkest moments that I have done so many stupid things I can´t get undone, that it never will be ok anyway, regardless if I drink or not.

toddle118

Im sorry, its so tough isnt it? I slipped up as well, 5 weeks sober, poof, gone in an instant. Needless to say I wouldnt have got that far without this site, do you go to AA or anything?

Laura567

No I haven´t been to AA, I have this stupid thought I should be able to make it on my own. It is not working. Going abroad all of next week, after that I need to go to AA or something to stop this.

GracieLou

And that is what kept me drunk for many years. Regrets and mistakes that I thought I could never get past.

Then I learned that I had to take it one day at a time and the very first thing I had to do was to stop drinking. Stop drinking, one day at a time. Not that I won't drink tomorrow or Wednesday or Saturday, just today and only today.

I had the tendency to get way ahead of myself. I pictured myself sober days, week, months and even years down the road but what I did not know was that I was looking at myself with my current mindset.

I had to get sober for a little while to realize that it is a process, a journey. There is no quick fix and looking even one day into the future can cause disaster cause my mind can spin me into a downfall real quick like.

Have you tried any recovery methods? Just stopping did not work for me. I had to get into recovery to recover.

toddle118

I dont go to AA either, although there is no miracle cure, as Dee says, getting sober is one thing, staying sober is another. Mix in its sociably acceptable to drink and its a deadly cocktail...good luck to you x

KateL

There are AA meetings everywhere. Perhaps you can find one abroad. In Spain they had Spanish speaking and English speaking meetings. There were holidaymakers there and everything, I was amazed. Don't give up trying xxxxx

Laura567

I am planning too much ahead as you describe GracieLou, it is really hard to take one day at a time. I want like a month sober time NOW. As for recovery, I have just used the internet, never went anywhere. AA is not an option where i am going next week, I am off to a small village in the mountains in Europe, 200 inhabitants, no AA..

Dee74

Welcome back Laura

AA or no AA maybe look at things you can do differently this time?

Think of a strategy for the next time you think you can handle some wine for example - have people to call, or post here, that kind of thing.

D

Laura567

Your great Dee, welcoming me back for the 100th time...thanks for the support :-)

LadyinBC

You have 5 weeks of sober time that no one can take away from you. It hasn't gone anywhere you did it.

Laura lots of great advice on here. I second one day at time. I couldn't have gotten this far without that mindset. Keep it simple.

The important thing is that you are here posting and willing to learn and move forward.

cheebiechi

Welcome back Laura,

As there may no organized AA meeting where you are going next week, you can have one anyhow with yourself, The AA big book, and your higher power.

Stay strong

Matt

Laura567

I just had about a week sober, I really seem to not get past that..

LadyinBC

I feel your frustration. I would always make it 2 weeks and then give in. Always. Over and over again.

I just got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore and I knew I had to go to someone to get help. Doing it on my own wasn't working. I found an alcohol counselor and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I had to be willing to go outside my comfort zone.

You CAN do this, if I can, you can.

goose333

Laura,
I don't think that being 'ruined' is so simple. It's not an all or nothing thing. It's about how 'ruined' we are. Since your kids are a motivator, try thinking of it this way next time you want to drink.
Each of your kids have a ruined meter over their heads. Every time you do something you perceive as ruining them, the meter moves towards 100%, but for each day/week/month you don't, the meter drops down a little. Although you may have done a lot of things in the past to move that meter up the scale, you can still do things to make it go to zero.
Imagine if you never took another drink ever. Ever. In ten years, where would that meter be on your kids. I bet it would be zero. I bet they would think, 'My mom had a problem a long time ago. But not now. I'm so proud of her!'
We can't change the past, but we can make it SO unimportant. You have the power to do that. Think about it.

Goose

Laura567

Those are comforting words goose333, thank you!

SoberLeigh

Keep on trying, Laura. Eventually, sobriety is going to stick. Maybe, you could buy a few books on alcoholism to read while on your trip and to help boost your resolve while you are away.

Enjoy your time abroad.

toddle118

Goose, very wise words, I dont have kids but it applies to every person that has been hurt by our drinking. Thank you

Marjoram

Laura - I don't have kids either, but I think of my Mom and Dad, and think how saddened they would be. I think of my Grandma who is no longer with us, and wonder how heart broken she would feel if she knew of my problems. I think of all the people in my life that are near and dear to me and think....how could I make them so sad (I hide my drinking and have done it very well for years - closet drinker so I can drink more, but openly drank making it look like I only had a couple drinks, even though I was pulling shots off a bottle that was in the bathroom cabinet in the towel cabinet). But, most importantly, I agree with everyone here - I've been an alcoholic for about 12-13 years as far as I can figure, and for the past three, I've known I had to do something. So, I bought books, they only work, if you read them and put them into practice. I absorbed the stories here like a sponge and learned a lot. But, again, I had to put what I learned into my daily life and apply this knowledge. I wanted to reach out to a key person in my life, and never did, until last week, and it is the best decision I ever made. My brother that has been sober for 13 years. Reaching out is key, and that is what you are doing. But, as everyone says here, you now have to go to the next level or step. Is it AA, is it AVRT, there has to be something you need to change to make this stick better. I am currently looking for an AA meeting. And I know it may take a few different groups before I find that one that clicks. I've read here how some get frustrated with the group they are in, I could see that happening to me as well....but it doesn't mean that AA is not the answer, it just means that the particular groups is not the right one. AA may not be for you at all, but that is why Dee always asks this of us when we cave - what can we do different next time. I've had too many next times to count, and that is why I finally realized that expressing my problem to a recovering alcoholic (who is my brother I've always looked up to), coming back here and reading and posting, and finding a support group that will help can only make me stronger and help me reach the goal of sobriety. I wish you the best, and stay strong, and stay out of the bottle. You will be glad you did!!

Laura567

I kind on reached out to my boyfriend, he is not blind but thinks I cannot have a lot of drinks before I get pissed, little does he know about my hiden bottles.. Anyway I told him I can´t drink, i can´t have one drink either, it will never stop there. And he is supportive, although he doesn´t understand the magnitude of my problem. It was good to talk to him, even if i didn´t come 100% clean. But it helps if he knows I can´t and won´t drink.

This doorthing really bugs me, had to move one door so I don´t constantly see the doorless room...and this will be expensive and i really hate that i can´t have the new door here NOW. I have to wait, and I have heard that alcoholics are really bad at waiting for stuff. We want everything done NOW :-)

goose333

Laura,
Glad to hear you hate the door. Use it as a tool. Turn it into a positive. Go right now and take a picture of it. Save it. Next time the temptation comes, go take a look at that picture. It might help.

Goose