Could I still be in denial?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi Jim. I understand your frustration & I'm glad you wanted to discuss your feelings.
I tried the drinking once in awhile thing. The last time, I was going to allow myself a few glasses of wine. I had been sober for 3 yrs. & thought I'd see how it went. 7 years later I came crawling into SR - totally broken. I never dreamed one night of drinking could lead to my destruction. It was hell to get back off it. I can never play with it ever again.
I tried the drinking once in awhile thing. The last time, I was going to allow myself a few glasses of wine. I had been sober for 3 yrs. & thought I'd see how it went. 7 years later I came crawling into SR - totally broken. I never dreamed one night of drinking could lead to my destruction. It was hell to get back off it. I can never play with it ever again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 45
Hi Jim, sorry to hear about your struggles. A few points -
1. Do you think you could drink one evening every 8 months? If so, then maybe that doesn't sound so bad. Actually, I think I personally could limit myself to one evening of drinking every 8 months, if I chose to. But...
2. Do you think you could enjoy drinking one evening every 8 months? Having one night enjoying a few drinks, and then come next evening, thinking to yourself, "well, that's it for 8 months, guess I'll go grab a soda". Probably not!
While I think I could drink one evening every 8 months, I know for certain I wouldn't enjoy it. I'd probably feel off after the previous night. I'd probably feel somewhat guilty. I'd wonder why other people get to have a drink or two every couple of nights and I can't. These are not enjoyable thoughts. Why put yourself through them?
1. Do you think you could drink one evening every 8 months? If so, then maybe that doesn't sound so bad. Actually, I think I personally could limit myself to one evening of drinking every 8 months, if I chose to. But...
2. Do you think you could enjoy drinking one evening every 8 months? Having one night enjoying a few drinks, and then come next evening, thinking to yourself, "well, that's it for 8 months, guess I'll go grab a soda". Probably not!
While I think I could drink one evening every 8 months, I know for certain I wouldn't enjoy it. I'd probably feel off after the previous night. I'd probably feel somewhat guilty. I'd wonder why other people get to have a drink or two every couple of nights and I can't. These are not enjoyable thoughts. Why put yourself through them?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 1,384
Drink then spend the next 8 months thinking about the day you can drink again, you have to be joking surely ? Sorry to sound a bit brash but this sounds like a kind of cruel and unusual torture .
Get some prolonged sober time under your belt and think of living totally alcohol free forever, free yourself from the absurdity of pouring a toxic drug down your throat .
Lots of good advice and some real helpful people on SR.
Good luck
Get some prolonged sober time under your belt and think of living totally alcohol free forever, free yourself from the absurdity of pouring a toxic drug down your throat .
Lots of good advice and some real helpful people on SR.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Keep going, battle through, eventually as you think about an evening/day drinking ,just in that moment you'll know why and that's it.
We can't it doesn't stop just because we have,it's still there? I found that about the time I knew I was comfy not drinking I was again thinking about "that one day I might" , that helped me for a time to keep going ,knowing I might have that choice , then came the truly helpful thought ,that if I didn't ever take the possibility of a drink I might just be happier , as after all I was happier not drinking than I'd been in decades of drinking and I risked nothing by it. Why would I ever drink again.
Keep going your not treading water your living!
Congratulations.
John
We can't it doesn't stop just because we have,it's still there? I found that about the time I knew I was comfy not drinking I was again thinking about "that one day I might" , that helped me for a time to keep going ,knowing I might have that choice , then came the truly helpful thought ,that if I didn't ever take the possibility of a drink I might just be happier , as after all I was happier not drinking than I'd been in decades of drinking and I risked nothing by it. Why would I ever drink again.
Keep going your not treading water your living!
Congratulations.
John
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I always wondered why recovering alcoholics can't have like one night every year to drink a few beers or a few drinks and unload, as long as you're aware of your problem and are focused on creating a better life for yourself, wouldn't that be enough to get you through 11 plus months ?
Don't confuse abstinence for control Jim.
I have no control over my alcohol intake.
I know that now.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New York NY
Posts: 32
You guys are right, I AM in denial, my mother has landed in the hospital again and I binged, I had a binge period that was really bad, I had 3 24 oz beers 3 nights ago and I had 8 24 oz cans yesterday and I'm having 3 tonight and I realize I need to go to meetings pronto can somebody please give me some information on the different meeting names because I want to go to different ones and can I get a sponsor right away or do I wait? I'm really scared about having to stop for good and I'm also confused that I'm more upset about my mental health declining due to not being able to cope with caretaking at the age of 21 I mean this is ******** I know my mom is really sick but she relies only on ME and I never get a break and nobody cares about me I can't go on like this I'm miserable when I'm sober because my life sucks and it's not a normal life and it's killing me what the hell is the point of being sober if I can't be happy I WANT MY HAPPINESS BACK!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New York NY
Posts: 32
I used to be a very happy person with a great sense if humor but now I wouldn't know fun if it slapped me in the face there's never any fun for me anymore I never can laugh or anything
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Have you thought about getting some support care for your Mom, even one or two afternoons a week to give you a break, and some counselling for yourself - you really sound depressed to me Jim.
D
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New York NY
Posts: 32
I really appreciate your reply, especially since I feel like nobody agreed with me that I'm in need of having time to myself I mean shouldn't I deserve a happy time isn't that what life's about? Nobody wants to compromise with me I want free time I still love my mom but she didn't realize I need a life I want to move on and create the life I want and the caretaking is hindering that for me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: New York NY
Posts: 32
My moms doctor said he will get her hospice but hospice ran out after 4 months and she needed it more so I hope this time they won't stop in 4 months, it's been a very horrible emotional roller coaster starting in October when I was despondent about my dad who passed 3 years ago of cancer, was not around to see me become 21 and in November my mom almost died and from there I got re traumatized because it took me over a year to get over seeing my dad take his last breath and I still miss what a great human being he was he would always make sure I was okay and he cared a great deal about me
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I think maybe you need to visit the doctor and explain what your mum needs; what you CAN do; and what you CAN'T do. Explain the urgency of it. Explain that the stress is more than you can cope with and that your sobriety is at stake.
At the end of the day though, if you have a night off on the beers, the next day your problems will still be there, but you will have hangover, shame, guilt, less money, increased urges for more booze, AND you will be more depressed. Ignore that Monkey on your shoulder - alcohol will NOT make things better. It will make things worse.
"The idea that somehow, someday he may control his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." (Big Book - 3rd Ed.)
At the end of the day though, if you have a night off on the beers, the next day your problems will still be there, but you will have hangover, shame, guilt, less money, increased urges for more booze, AND you will be more depressed. Ignore that Monkey on your shoulder - alcohol will NOT make things better. It will make things worse.
"The idea that somehow, someday he may control his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death." (Big Book - 3rd Ed.)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
*hug*
It can be a lonely old business this sobriety game - have you tried AA? It's made such a difference for me being able to go along for some support, and to listen to other people's experiences, and share mine.
You also sound like you have so many triggers to contend with that you really will need some support. Human support, not chemical (medication or alcohol).
H - Hungry (do you have time to care for yourself as well as mum?)
A - Angry (so much for you to feel angry about at the moment)
L - Lonely (losing your father, mum not being 'herself' and no time to see friends)
T - Tired (sleep problems)
Halt
I wish you luck and hope you find a support network that will help you become hopeful and more happy, and help you stay sober. Take care
It can be a lonely old business this sobriety game - have you tried AA? It's made such a difference for me being able to go along for some support, and to listen to other people's experiences, and share mine.
You also sound like you have so many triggers to contend with that you really will need some support. Human support, not chemical (medication or alcohol).
H - Hungry (do you have time to care for yourself as well as mum?)
A - Angry (so much for you to feel angry about at the moment)
L - Lonely (losing your father, mum not being 'herself' and no time to see friends)
T - Tired (sleep problems)
Halt
I wish you luck and hope you find a support network that will help you become hopeful and more happy, and help you stay sober. Take care
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Originally Posted by Gakx 
Jim, I would love to follow that plan too...say maybe 3 nights a year, I can get drunk. BUT then, I wouldn't be an alcoholic, would I? That would be called normal.
I play the tape: I buy booze for my one night, but then I have some left over the next day. Well, goodness me, wouldn't want to waste that but it isn't quite enough. So, I go buy more and drink another night. Guess what? I have a little left over the next day...et cetera.
That tape never runs out for me. I know where that one night of drinking lands me and withdrawal really sucks. Like Odelle said, it is AV negotiation strategy. I can't fall for that BS again.
Great job on your sobriety success, I hope that you take pride in it and continue on. Stay strong for yourself and your mother, both need you to be whole again.
I play the tape: I buy booze for my one night, but then I have some left over the next day. Well, goodness me, wouldn't want to waste that but it isn't quite enough. So, I go buy more and drink another night. Guess what? I have a little left over the next day...et cetera.
That tape never runs out for me. I know where that one night of drinking lands me and withdrawal really sucks. Like Odelle said, it is AV negotiation strategy. I can't fall for that BS again.
Great job on your sobriety success, I hope that you take pride in it and continue on. Stay strong for yourself and your mother, both need you to be whole again.
I hear you on this one, and that's exactly how it would be for me with my DOC.
Also, having read up a lot recently on AVRT, I can now identify that voice isn't ME talking, it's the addicted part of me that only wants one thing- to get high. That part of me doesn't have my best interests at heart, and will do everything to steer me away from my true goal- to be sober and happy.
As Gakx says, play the tape through- if you are truly honest with yourself, it won't be just one night. Before you know it, all your hard work will have been undone.
You have got 54 days under your belt, that is an amazing achievement. You can go the rest of the distance. We're all behind you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
