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People that want you to drink..

Old 04-11-2014, 12:33 PM
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People that want you to drink..

How do you handle them? Just relapsed, and of course it was my fault, but my good friend often says things like 'you have done really well, one won't hurt', or 'you haven't got a problem, I don't think you have, or, when I did drink last week ' it's good to see you letting your hair down'. Other times he has said am good company sober, so it's not all negative. And I know I am better sober. How do you handle these kinds of comments...it can feed into that addictive voice that taps at my head from time to time.
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Old 04-11-2014, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Dippy View Post
my good friend often says things like 'you have done really well, one won't hurt', or 'you haven't got a problem, I don't think you have, or, when I did drink last week ' it's good to see you letting your hair down'.
A good friend wouldn't say those things. A good friend wouldn't even consider saying those things. They obviously don't understand what is going on with you. It isn't like you are on a diet and can sneak a piece of cheesecake and all will be well tmr. Sheesh. You need to have a serious heart to heart with your friend. Next time you are out and anything like this is said to you, LEAVE.
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Old 04-11-2014, 12:44 PM
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Not to be harsh, but he may not be a friend for very long, friends don't question your decisions, they respect them and support you!!

You gotta do what you gotta do to remain Sober, whatever that takes, if your friend can't accept your decision without these questions and pressure then time to re evaluate that friendship!!
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Old 04-11-2014, 12:57 PM
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It may be that your friend doesn't really know how to support you, but I'm pretty much with the others here on this one. I have good friends who will openly admit to loving alcohol but in the early days when I had cravings if I would so much as admit to thinking it would be nice to drink, they would give me a quick and immediate NO - YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT.

If you value the friendship it may be best for you to have a conversation about the importance of what you're doing and what kind of support you want from your friends. If that doesn't work then you may have to distance yourself.
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:12 PM
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That doesn't sound like someone I would want to be near in sobriety.
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:17 PM
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I tell anyone who I am with I have become a non drinker. End of story. No one questions it, and I stay comfortable. Just stick to your guns.
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:17 PM
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He is great in other ways, but I think he possibly likes the idea of us drinking together...we did when we first became friends. He has said allsorts like ' I will stop drinking with you'..I did not ask him to, but does not follow through anyway. But has also said not to expect him not to drink. He does not get it/does not want to get it. Maybe indeed to be more selfish and much clearer...i don't really know what is reasonable to expect
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:21 PM
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It is reasonable to expect, you to say "I'm not drinking tonight" and for him to not question in anyway that decision and respect it without condition!! . . . is he a real friend or just a drinking buddy, as I had loads of them!!
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:25 PM
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If he's unable or unwilling to not drink (and continue to offer you drinks) when you hangout you probably shouldn't hang out with him.

It can be a difficult adjustment but it's possible.

Keep your head up Dippy.
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:32 PM
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He is more than a drinking buddy. We both had divorces at the same kind of time, have given a lot of support to each other. He has helped with my children and has a lovely child of his own. But I think that, for someone nearly fifty, it's a bit odd he goes out at least weekly, drinking/clubbing and kebabing. Maybe he doesn't want any change. He seems to get it and then drops a corker!
Are there many people you can meet who are alcohol free?! Thanks for your support all x
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:40 PM
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Then why can't he understand that when you say your "not drinking tonight" . . . he just accepts it without question? . . . you need to have a strong conversation with him and say "I'd appreciate it, that when I say I'm not drinking that you don't question that decision in any way"!!
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Old 04-11-2014, 02:27 PM
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I have a disease, drinking. Therefore I can't drink. When we understand that, we understand that drinking is not an option and we no longer do it.
It's fun to say "When I drink I break out in handcuffs", but it's not reality. Reality is having a disease that can kill you if you do not treat it....a disease means what you have does not have and can not be cured....
If someone with kidney disease fails to go to dialysis(TREATMENT) they die; if I drink, I die. When I keep that perspective and take it One Day At A Time I get to live rather than face a slow painful demise. I also recognize I need to go to TREATMENT; here on SR, practice my spirituality, AA.....whatever works FOR ME, and what works best FOR ME is having friends that have the disease, or understand and acknowledge that I am sick and have a disease. They RESPECT ME, and know I know better than they, what is best for ME.

Doing what works FOR ME means I get to live; and tell others thanks, but no thanks!

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Old 04-11-2014, 02:35 PM
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Personally I'd just avoid them well, and be ready well in advance for any party invites. Never joining any occasion where alcohol is nearby or served in any amounts. That's the easiest case. If you can't avoid confrontation then you can simply say 'No', but without getting upset yourself. And if the person/people try to talk you out of your decision just leave. The idea is not to get upset or confused, because I find that during such a moment it is easy to make a hasty and big mistake.

People who are bothered by your decision not to indulge in alcohol are not very good friends, and highly likely have a problem with alcohol themselves. I'd just avoid them and try my best not to get upset at them for any reason.
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Old 04-11-2014, 03:02 PM
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Looking back I feel sorry for my close drinking buddies! Every so often I would disappear for months on end or announce...again...that I was abstaining from alcohol for once and for all only to cave in at some point...again!

Most of these guys I had met through drinking and socialising and most of the socialising had been done around drinking from that point onwards. So a big part of our social life together involved drinking. It must have sucked when looking at it from there point of view where they have made a solid drinking buddy as a friend and then off I go and try to completely try and change the whole dynamic of the relationship and expect them to change with me.

Of course at the time I didn't see this and blamed them every time I went back to drinking and honestly believed if we were friends they would be more than happy with me drinking sober whilst we continued doing our usual social stuff together. I would also ask them not to talk about drinking as I gad stopped.

Of course when I finally got into recovery I made new friends who didn't drink either.
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Old 04-11-2014, 03:29 PM
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Do you know what? A lot of people just try and drag one down to their level of sh*tness. That's how I look at it anyway. Look out for yourself, sweetie xxxxxx
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Old 04-11-2014, 03:41 PM
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I had to change the people I hung around with.

D
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Old 04-11-2014, 03:42 PM
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Hi, today is my sixth day sober. I just went through what you are going through. I will be choosing my friends wisely from now on. You and your sobriety have to come first. If they care about you they won't put you in that position. And try not to put yourself in a position of being around people who are drinking in excess.
Good luck
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Old 04-11-2014, 04:00 PM
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If you were allergic to shellfish would your friend be wanting you to eat it anyway??? An allergy to alcohol is no different. You HAVE to take care of yourself FIRST.
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Old 04-12-2014, 06:40 AM
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This kind of goes along with the AV concept - I'm finding that in the years that the AV has taken up residence with me, it has also made its own friends and social life. There have been a few people that I realized - these aren't really my friends - these are friends of that AV, whom I'm in the process of evicting.
They're nice folks and all, but we really don't share much in common other than a fondness for booze.
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Old 04-12-2014, 06:42 AM
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I had to make new friends in sobriety. The few I kept from the past would never say such things to me.
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