25 days clean today and very sad
 

I HAVE 25 DAYS CLEAN AND SOBER TODAY....

I lost the girl i was supposed to marry this August and my heart is torn. normally in my past i would simply shoot the pain away but i know i cannot go backwards only forwards this time. This time i found strength due to my hurting her. If i were to use right now it would be to kill everything in my life thats beautiful. When my 1st wife died she promised me she would send me someone special to love and care for me and she kept her word. My girl gave all of herself to me and i hurt her terribly with lie after lie and like a ****** i cheated on her in the very beginning and later down the road with the same girl. Thats all my fault and I learned all ii needed to learn about cheating and the true hurt it gives the one you love. she should have left me just for that alone never mind all the drugs and my allowing her with 3 years clean to use with me because i was to afraid to tell her NO because she said if i didnt shoot her up she was out of my life and gone. i did the stupidest thing and followed her orders... biggest mistake of our lives. shes clean now because i refused to allow her to get a habit. anytime she asked fo it i gave her the weak stuff and never the powerful highly addictive bags... she called me greedy but i called it saving her an addiction. im trying my hardest not to contact her because everyone is telling me not to just to see if its meant to be. its so hard not to want to talk to her because shes in my heart and is a huge part of my life. I just wanted her to be a part of my recovery so together we learn how to handle things like this. I know i cant use again. im taking the Vistaril shot that ill take the rest of my life just to prove to her ill stay clean even though i know ill do it for myself. i want a family and a baby with her and this is killing me... PLEASE ANY ADVICE FROM OTHERS WHO LOST A LOVE RESPOND. I KNOW IM THE MAN OF HER DREAMS I JUST NEED HER TO BE ABLE TO TRUST ME. i lied so many times but over what i called stupid things but to her were everything... gotta build up trust. takes time but times all i got... giving her space to where i hope she misses me enough to talk to me and really see im a changed man for myself first regardless how much i love her... could use a womens advice on this one...:ValB011:

i ve lost also the woman that i was about to get married
and even after 3 years it is painfull.
but i think you are right, give her space let her see the new man in you.
and if you are the man of her dreams then she ll be back
keep the faith and keep up the fight

If it is meant to be, it will be.

Pain I'm very sorry you are so sad and struggling. I don't have any pearl of wisdom to share that you don't already know. Pray Friend. Blessings.

NO MATTER WHAT... NO MATTER HOW SAD ILL GET , NO MATTER HOW SICK THE FEELINGS OF TRUE LOVE LOSS CAN BE... I WILL NEVER BREAK WEAK AND REACH F0R THAT NEEDLE!!! NEVER... I thank all of you for your advice and heart felt wishes... IF ITS MEANT TO BE THEN ITS MEANT TO BE... She knows what the real me is like and if shes not willing to allow the real me back then she will be the one in the end to truly miss out because she knows im ONE OF A KIND and that the way I love her can and never will ever be matched again by anyone... ever!!! anyone but ME!!! THANKS EVERYONE.. I PRAY FOR ALL OF US EVERYDAY AND I PRAY DEEP AND HARD... GOD LOVES US ALL...

Hi Painless :)

I lost not one but two long term partners over the course of my drinking and drugging.

Through all that tho, I found recovery and found my current partner :)

You never know what tomorrow will bring. Focus on yourself for now, work hard on your recovery and...let the Universe unfold as it must :)

D

Like several have already said-the best you can do is be your best,and if you stay strong who knows what's next.One thing for sure -if you pick up that rig again, you know she won't be back-or anyone else who's healthy for you.Hoping the best for you.

"I KNOW IM THE MAN OF HER DREAMS I JUST NEED HER TO BE ABLE TO TRUST ME. i lied so many times but ....."

Here is a woman's point of view....the man of my dreams doesn't cheat on me, lie to me, shoot me up with drugs etc. Don't use over this, but don't kid your self that you were the best thing to happen to her either.

I too have lost a wonderful wife because of my alcoholism. I'm doing great on day 64 but still feel a void. There is only 1 thing I can do

The 1 thing- be the best me I can be. This gives me 2 potential paths. Path 1 being awesome WITH her in the future.
Path 2 is being awesome WITHOUT her in the future. Those r the only suitable outcomes. Using will yield neither of these.
I have to be the best me cause that is who my wife deserves (if she chooses to take me back) and the best me is who I deserve to be regardless of whether I get back with my wife.

The only thing I can definitively control is not using and being the best version and truest version of me.

Sounds stalk-ish.

You hurt her bad.

Good luck and stay clean.

I was the best thing in the world for ex-wife. I never cheated or did any of the horrible things. All I did was act stupid when I drank. She even told me I was the best husband in the world. No ***. But when she asked me to stop drinking I said, NO. Duh!

I WOULD NEVER STALK HER. Giving her all the space in the world. i cant express my sadness as to what happened and why. it just wasnt the real me is what i know. never happen again with her i know that much... id rather suffer a million horrible deaths then ever hurt her agai... i just want to help her heal... so sorry...

at least you made it to 25. i go without a day and i totally start raging.

You go a day without and start raging??? have you ever been to detox? Its the only thing that saved my life and not any of the people that loved me or said they did. I did this on my own but I held them in my mind strongly because I knew I had to do the right thing. Hitting rock bottom is terrible an I make a grand to 1500 easily every couple days doing tattooing. Even though I say I hit rock bottom I still had a lot of money saved but money cannot buy you happiness when your like this and you're using.this is a great spot to get help by reading many of the posts. I learn something new with every post I read and this is better than any drug because it gives and it does not take. Go to detox bro and get cleaned and come back to us clean and sober. Its 5 days but they will keep you comfortable before you know it you're on your 25th Day like me.may God bless and keep you safe.

Sobriety can bring happiness , no human needs a partner to feel complete, because one should feel whole with themselves first , happiness and contentment comes from within and for me sobriety brings me this ,. Stay sober stay strong and the rest WILL sort itself out , if u are meant to be with this woman then show her you are putting sobriety and yourself first and then if it's right you will be together

Thank you for your great advice. It's exactly what I'm doing. Take care...

Wanna really thank all of you guys and gals for your honest expressions. Im learning so much on here. IM KEEPING MY SOBRIETY FIRST IN ALL I DO... I just know that at 48 I know things now that I never knew before as a user and their great tools for me to stay clean. THANKS AGAIN...