DanielViking

Long post, i just need to get this off my chest.

Hello everyone, im a soon to be 22 year old guy from Norway who quit drinking just before new years after about 3 years of varying heavy-drinking habits. I originally only wanted to have a break but when i went through abstinence it was a living hell so i vowed to not touch alcohol for a year, im not sure ill ever touch it again when i look back at what it did to me.

I have made alot of great changes to my life. I pretty much went from amounting to nothing and wallowing in self-pity, drinking alone and complaining about my then-girlfriend and destructive relationship to now having taken up alot of different hobbies and interests, steady job, health-oriented, changing my lifestyle significantly. I have found many passions and i indulge in bettering myself every single day. I try to always live in the current moment, loving who i am and letting this newfound happiness radiate out to those around me. I feel great! Its just a certain situation that brings doubt to my mind..

I have one problem, whenever im at parties and social situations where im surrounded by alot of people i dont really know, i am always slightly tempted to drink. Ill never actually do it, its just this little part of me thats whispering: "you know youll be way more fun if you just have a few, you would totally charm that girl over there!" etc..

Its really the reason i started drinking in the first place, ive always been abit of an introvert and as i got the taste for alcohol i learned to open up, talk to people and ive had so many great times like this. Ive always been really comfortable and loving meeting people when drinking and it tears me up that i cant pull it off sober. I tried many times in the beginning to just let go and loosen up at parties, force myself to talk to new people.. but im slowly just quitting parties and social events with alcohol alltogether now because i never manage to enjoy myself like i would usually. Im afraid ill never meet someone new or make a good first impression. I seem like a bore and i cant keep a conversation up. I still try, and i listen to impulses sometimes, to just go up and talk to someone, its a long road for me however.

I lose track in conversations with new people so easily, its been years since i met someone new and had an amazing conversation sober. I am very good at thinking for myself and ressonating but, i cant express anything properly. I stumble, say half the sentence, then forget where i was going with it. Say stupid things thats not even my opinion, its so random at times it feels like a total mess. I feel lonely when i cant express myself, its almost like being mute when you are talking to someone new. I never get to let them know what im really thinking.

I am only soon 4 months in sobriety and im sure it will get better with time, i would just like to know what i can do, or think about it. And also if anyone knows what im talking about and has some words on it, it would be great!

I really just wanted to throw that out there, thanks for reading and im looking forward to participating in this community

IOAA2

Hi and welcome. It's good you recognize what's happening to you in regards to alcohol. Many of us used it as a support and escape mechanism until it turned against us. Usually once that happens there is no going back to "normal" drinking as alcoholism is progressive.
An answer you , nor did I like is simple. Stay away from such events that your temptations are exposed to. As you read the posts on these forums relapses come in the form of many excuses.

BE WELL

Tang

I'm from the states, but what you describe is just like me. I feel exactly the same way in social situations and struggle feeling comfortable in conversation without alcohol. This I believe is the introvert's challenge. I took a job that forces me to be social and I can honestly say I think I've gotten better and more comfortable with small talk and meeting new people. It will never feel entirely natural for an introvert in new social situations but you can get better. I do need downtime to recharge. Again, common for introverts. If nothing else, know you aren't alone in this battle.

Most importantly alcohol doesn't make things any better. It ultimately made me more self conscious after the fact.

lovemesomeokra

Hi Daniel and welcome to SR! I know what you're talking about, I also have difficulty starting conversations with strangers in social situations. I don't have any problem with strangers in a business setting, but it's difficult for me just to have a friendly casual conversation with someone I meet at a party or the bookstore or in a line waiting for groceries. I don't have any advice, just want to let you know you're not alone. The only thing I know for sure is that drinking is NOT the solution, all it has ever brought me is more problems.

This is a fabulous forum and I'm sure you'll hear lots of great stuff from the folks here. Tons of experience, tons of compassion, you're in the right place. Have a great day.

eaglesa1a

Some of us just can't have those few drinks & let it go. There have been many times I thought I was making good conversation and funny jokes-then when I was sober my really good friends told me other people were laughing but not really at my jokes lol! Life gets better & better when you can remember what you did last night. Hang in there & Welcome!

Berrybean

And, most couples that I know already knew each other for a while before the romance kicked in - I actually don't know any couples who met at parties or that kind of function.

Social situations are always going to be tricky if that's a place you always would have drunk before - I tend to go along for a bit, but tell my partner and friends in advance that I'm not staying for long. That way it's not a problem if I dive off early. If I'm going to a pub I take my kindle with me and sometimes just excuse myself for a short while for a 'break' and distract myself with reading. But then I'm old enough that people aren't too surprised by all that. A really helpful book for me was Kick the Drink ... Easily! by Jason Vale

sugarbear1

self centered fear ruled my life, too.

maybe work the 12 steps? that is where I had changes in self......

SeekingGrowth

Hi, Daniel. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert - lots of us are. Small talk has never been my thing, and I am not comfortable at parties with mostly strangers, either. Small talk bores me - I want to connect at a more intimate level, and you really can't do that at a party where the expectation is to talk lightly and briefly, at a surface level, with a bunch of people you don't know.

At some point (I'm LOTS older than you), you realize that you don't HAVE to be good at small talk, or be Mr. Party in social situations full of strangers. It's perfectly OK if that's not your thing, and extroverts aren't somehow "better" than introverts - just different. There are other ways to meet people that will fit your PERFECTLY OK personality better. You say that you are into fitness. Do you like biking? Running? You could probably find a group of people who are into biking, or a running club of some kind. Or maybe connect with people who are interested in a different activity you enjoy. In the US, we have a website called "Meetup" that facilitates connecting with people who share various interests - athletic, book clubs, cooking, you name it. Do you have something like that in Norway?

Your temptation to drink in those stranger-filled social settings is your temptation to CHANGE who you are, just for that moment, because you feel you are not good enough the way you are, because you think you SHOULD fit better into that event. Why? YOU are fine, YOU are great - the event just doesn't fit YOU. You are not into shallow, meaningless chit-chat - GOOD for you!! I'm not either. Ditch these types of events and find activities that fit who you are.

matt4x4

Your old reaction was to drink, drink on anything and everything. Now you need new thoughts, new actions. If is quite common for the mental fog to last a while. If your going to AA, all you do is work the steps, progress and keep on meeting new people until you feel comfortable, keep on talking, shaking hands, feeling nervous. Its time to grow up, get out of your old self and find your new self. I mean that with all due respect.

KateL

Welcome Daniel xxxx

ChloeRose63

When you meet someone worth talking to it will feel natural and interesting enough that the conversation will flow easily.
It is worth waiting as an introvert to attract someone into you life that will open you up and let you be yourself. Even if you are nervous or shy, things will fall in place. Be patient.

DanielViking

I never thought about this, thats a great way of putting it!

Thanks alot guys! All these kind words and suggestions mean alot to me, i really appreciate it I want to ensure you there is no risk of relapse however, if i made it seem like there was then it wasnt my intention by far.

When i think about how i felt those 2 weeks after i quit i cant stand the idea of drinking, it was truly the most awful experience ive had.. everything from non-stop trembles, crazy mood-swings, anxiety attacks, puking and nausea, extremely clouded mind etc.. the whole ordeal

And yeah i have many interests and im looking around, trying to participate in more activites and groups. Pretty much everyone drinks in the weekend here however, so in the weekends i generally spend time with groups during the day and just go to bed early, so i have a morning to myself where i can recuperate and be ready for a new day. I think i have alot of control and sorta the right idea on how to go about it, it is just very hard to find people whose idea of a weekend doesnt involve drinking in the evening and id like to be able to enjoy this and meet new people the same way most norwegians do.

I do have fun when im with people i know or smaller intimate groups when they drink, im pretty comfortable in these settings usually, it is really my element and what im trying to get into most of the time.

again, thanks!

Looking4Help123

Hi SeekingGrowth thank you for that response. It really struck a chord with me.

DanielViking I am also similar but have age to help me realise I'm more like SeekingGrowth has described. There is no need to change or "fall in line" with the way everyone else is at the function, many of us are NOT into idle chit chat!

One thing I noticed when going to these events sober is that I notice people's body language much more easily and I can pick up on what they are saying with a great deal more attention than when I was drunk. This helps enormously in seeing who are the interested or interesting people that are worth talking to. So being sober, if you can think of it that way, actually helps you cope in those situations.

All the best.