Hawk07

I to go AA meetings and I listen to other peoples struggles and feel like I'm listening to stories of myself but still I can't seem to grasp it..what is my definition of god or the higher power? I feel like I have no connection.. I'm lost and in a bad place now.. drinking again tonight. Things have gone way downhill since my fiance left me and im barely hanging on by a string at work

sugarbear1

Working those 12 steps helps us to find a power greater than ourselves. Get past step 5 with a sponsor, that is where the change takes place, after 7 for me, but 6 was a deep hour of reflection after my 5th (discussion with my sponsor) and then 7 was a prayer of willingness.

I had no real concept of a higher power until I worked through step 7, that is when my experience happened. Something changed in me.

What helped me is knowing that those steps worked for others and that my way wasn't working, so I wrote my 4th like the big book and sponsor suggested, discussion, hour, prayer.

Simple.

Just do it, but I do suggest trying not to drink in the meanwhile and get working.

Hawk07

i just want peace. For once I don't want alcohol (disease
) to consume my every thought and then attack me again just when I think i'm overcoming it. I want to sleep again, not be anxious and in panic mode 90% of my day, I want to enjoy the simple things like a walk on a beautiful spring day, meeting a friend for coffee or a movie.

sugarbear1

Alcohol was but a symptom and for me it also included a few illegal substances...part of my story.

get through those steps, there is no need for drinking or drugging for me today. Life is truly worth living!

Dee74

All those things are possible Hawk...but you already know what you need to do first

It was me quitting drinking and clearing my head that enabled me to grasp the idea of something bigger than me - y'know?

D

Hawk07

I'll have to start again tomorrow. Back to day one. Thank you, this is a horrific thing to get past.. I'll focus on the steps

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, Hawk. In sobriety there's hope. The sun will shine again, no matter how crappy things seem now.

Ruby2

Sorry you are struggling. Sugarbear is very encouraging so thank you SB because I struggle too with the higher power.

Make today day one. If you are hanging on by a string at work you know alcohol isn't going to make it better. Rededicate yourself to staying sober today and try to go to a meeting tonight. You can do it!

EJ43

Hi Hawk. I had the same questions about Higher Power and I still don't have the answer, but that's ok. I have also started meetings, but haven't started the steps. I am
Learning about them, but I realize that this is my journey and I need to travel it at my pace, not the pace of others. I am realizing it's not a cookie cutter process and for now I like to go and listen. I like the success stories and I like to hear the commitment stories. Good luck!

huntingtontx

Hi Hawk, it is hard to find what you are looking for as long as you drink. I had to learn that drinking is not my friend. A sober morning and remembering last night is. Hang in there. We are all here for you.

Jaye

Hi Hawk, many of us struggle with the concept of God or Higher Power ... I have not 'solved' this issue myself, but I wanted you to know you are NOT alone in this. Stick around these boards. There are many kind-hearted people who will offer kindness and support.

Jaye

sugarbear1

once I got to step 7, I just knew something wants me alive and happy....it's an experience, that of knowing a higher power is out there

matt4x4

Perhaps try a meeting where they actually talk and understand the steps, instead of stories all the time. I noticed a huge change in myself when I started hanging around meetings where working the steps was crucial, and story telling was short and sweet and to the point in relation to the steps.

I notice the themes that develop in meetings rooms. Some groups will be lovey dovey type, story telling, one-upmanship, always grateful. They all serve their purpose in our journey. The only way we can receover, is if we work the steps. If we are not focused on the steps in an AA room, we are selling ourselves short. Its like sitting around a campfire, telling stories., Sure you can relate, but how do you get sober? I remember asking myself that question so many times after the meeting, sitting in my car, crying. Feeling so hopeless, feeling so lost. I remember I wasnt reading the Big Book, I wasnt working the steps. All I was doing was just going to meetings, there is more to it then just attending meetings, far more to it then that. Everyone seems to put a lot of emphasis on meetings alone, just do 90 meetings in 90 days, or just keeping coming back, or just come take your time no rush get comfortable do a step a year. I have learned that I am sick, I have to get better, get my mind healthy, my thoughts healthy. The only way to do that is to work the steps, you can not achieve much of anything by only attending meetings.

I can relate to your feelings. If you trully want success out of AA, my suggestion is to get to work on the steps. Get a Big Book, get a sponsor, start asking around, see who has a solid AA recovery message. Story telling is not solid AA recovery message.

Anna

I agree with what Dee said.

When I stopped drinking, my head became clear and I was able to reconnect with my spiritual self. I used some great books to help me along the way and I have found SR to be my lifeline.

You can do this!

PAINLESS66

I feel the same way you do except i have 25 days clean and sober today. My fiancee also left me but i know in my heart that i deserved it because i turned into a lying animal that couldnt tell the truth to save my life... my heart is truly broken and i cant sleep at night at all but i wont break weak because some part of me is telling me shes testing me to truly see if my actions will speak louder then my words and in time i will prove to her Im the man she fell in love with. I just keep praying for a small chance to show her. I cant even comprehend using again or even kissing another women. not when i know she still holds my heart... even with only 25 days clean and sober to me thats a small lifetime that i will never give back. if you want your lady back dont screw this up. but... theres always a BUT... YOU GOTTA WANT THIS FOR YOU FIRST AND NOT DO IT JUST TO GET HER BACK. I thought like that 20 days back and its wrong to get clean for a loved one because u gotta love yourself enough to make the first big step. SURRENDER BRO... Just get to a detox asap. SCREW EVERYTHING ELSE THATS TELLIG U YOU CANT DETOX like work, things u need to do, money etc... i let all that get in my way of getting clean and thats why i lost the only women that will ever love me the way i need to be loved... i pray you get yours back so please... pray for all of us too... U CAN DO THIS BRO... GO TO ANY EMERGENCY ROOM RIGHT NOW AND SURRENDER. Tell them if they dont take you you fear death coming. they have to take u right then and there. theres comfortable medications available to keep u calm while u detox. praying for u and many others...