Unsure Where to Begin
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 14
Unsure Where to Begin
I'm 30 and the divorced mother of a 7 year old. My drinking has been problematic for the past few years, and at one point I did successfully take a self imposed 6 week hiatus from drinking because I knew that it was getting out of control. Oftentimes when I drink I will have memory loss and not remember entire conversations that I had with people, mainly my boyfriend. I get very embarrassed when he realizes that I don't remember. I also get very emotional and start arguments with him that I would never have if I was sober. Many times I will wake up next to him in the middle of the night and have a horrible sick guilty feeling in my stomach because I know that we argued or that there was a problem but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was. I actually woke him up out of a dead sleep a few weeks ago for that very reason. And yes, we had fought and I apparently said things that I do not recall saying.
A few months ago I told my boyfriend that I felt that maybe I should stop drinking. He was not very supportive of that idea and suggested that I need to moderate the amount that I drink. His ex-wife doesn't drink and he found her to be socially boring. I think he enjoys that we go out and are social with friends at bars. However, he is not a problem drinker and I don't think he actually realizes how frequently I drink when I'm not with him. I drink almost every single day, at least 2 but sometimes much more.
My family drinks frequently and drinking is so much a part of our social life that I'm not sure I would have any fun without it. I worry my family will not be supportive if I stop drinking. But I'm afraid of the blackouts and I know that sooner or later they will cause my relationship to end. I also don't want my daughter to grow up thinking drinking heavily was ok, like I did.
I just don't know where to start. I'm not sure meetings are something I would be comfortable doing. Any advice would be appreciated.
A few months ago I told my boyfriend that I felt that maybe I should stop drinking. He was not very supportive of that idea and suggested that I need to moderate the amount that I drink. His ex-wife doesn't drink and he found her to be socially boring. I think he enjoys that we go out and are social with friends at bars. However, he is not a problem drinker and I don't think he actually realizes how frequently I drink when I'm not with him. I drink almost every single day, at least 2 but sometimes much more.
My family drinks frequently and drinking is so much a part of our social life that I'm not sure I would have any fun without it. I worry my family will not be supportive if I stop drinking. But I'm afraid of the blackouts and I know that sooner or later they will cause my relationship to end. I also don't want my daughter to grow up thinking drinking heavily was ok, like I did.
I just don't know where to start. I'm not sure meetings are something I would be comfortable doing. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome!
If you think your drinking is a problem, then it is a problem. If your relationship requires drinking that doesn't seem very healthy,either.
Lots of people go to meetings to help them stop drinking. Others don't. There is a lot of information available on this website, so read around a bit and see if there is something else that appeals to you.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
If you think your drinking is a problem, then it is a problem. If your relationship requires drinking that doesn't seem very healthy,either.
Lots of people go to meetings to help them stop drinking. Others don't. There is a lot of information available on this website, so read around a bit and see if there is something else that appeals to you.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi SayWhen,
I hope you do quit, for you and your little precious daughter. If you don't, I would guess that life will only get worse, for alcoholism is progressive. You worry whether you will have fun without it, well, just look at your child... she has joy without it, right? So can you. Its just a matter of choosing the things in life which bring joy, and not memory loss, fights, and embarrassment.
My parents were both drinkers, and we kids were just in their way, I guess. of course, they did not stay sober for us, but then, we were the grown ups, they the children. lost childhood is a tragic thing. they both died young, much too young. and left us with much dysfunction to make our way in the world.
There are others here who will understand more how to help you. I just wanted to say that you are so young, and have a child, which is a blessing. I hope you are able to feel good about quitting and do it for yourself. You will find a lot of support here, if you don't have it at home.
welcome! and best wishes,
chicory
I hope you do quit, for you and your little precious daughter. If you don't, I would guess that life will only get worse, for alcoholism is progressive. You worry whether you will have fun without it, well, just look at your child... she has joy without it, right? So can you. Its just a matter of choosing the things in life which bring joy, and not memory loss, fights, and embarrassment.
My parents were both drinkers, and we kids were just in their way, I guess. of course, they did not stay sober for us, but then, we were the grown ups, they the children. lost childhood is a tragic thing. they both died young, much too young. and left us with much dysfunction to make our way in the world.
There are others here who will understand more how to help you. I just wanted to say that you are so young, and have a child, which is a blessing. I hope you are able to feel good about quitting and do it for yourself. You will find a lot of support here, if you don't have it at home.
welcome! and best wishes,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome, SayWhen! It's good to have you at SR. The old rule of thumb is that if you have to ask if you have a drinking problem then you probably do. For those of us with addiction issues drinking is almost always a progression- it will get worse. The sooner you stop the better.
The lack of supportiveness from your BF strikes me as a red flag. Is he generally supportive in other ways? It seems like selfish behavior on his part to prefer you to keep drinking for his entertainment. Giving him the benefit of the doubt he may just be utterly ignorant of how the seriousness of addiction. But it's something to keep an eye on.
I would tend to agree that you should quit drinking. Moderate social drinking is fine for people who can drink that way. It sounds like you're like me (and the rest of us here). Once we start we can't control it. Our kind of drinking generally doesn't "get better" over time; it gets worse. Very few people manage to dial it down from problem drinking back to moderation. You have a lot to lose and very little to gain from continuing to drink.
Drinking is really only important to drunks. Sober people don't give booze much thought. That should probably tell you something!
The lack of supportiveness from your BF strikes me as a red flag. Is he generally supportive in other ways? It seems like selfish behavior on his part to prefer you to keep drinking for his entertainment. Giving him the benefit of the doubt he may just be utterly ignorant of how the seriousness of addiction. But it's something to keep an eye on.
I would tend to agree that you should quit drinking. Moderate social drinking is fine for people who can drink that way. It sounds like you're like me (and the rest of us here). Once we start we can't control it. Our kind of drinking generally doesn't "get better" over time; it gets worse. Very few people manage to dial it down from problem drinking back to moderation. You have a lot to lose and very little to gain from continuing to drink.
Drinking is really only important to drunks. Sober people don't give booze much thought. That should probably tell you something!
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Things got worse in time for me. It was only when I tired to control/moderate etc that I realised how deep in I was.
For me sobriety was the only way- it was easier said than done
building a sober life takes time and for those who don't get what I am about in relation to drinking ......too bad, sobriety has to come first
For me sobriety was the only way- it was easier said than done
building a sober life takes time and for those who don't get what I am about in relation to drinking ......too bad, sobriety has to come first
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,164
Saywhen, you are here because you realise you have a problem but you are not quite sure what will fix it.
One thing you will learn here is that if you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, moderation is not an option. It just isn't. It never works long term for anyone with an alcohol issue. I too have a social drinking partner, and friends and family to whom drinking is a part of every social event. I won't pretend it is easy to quit and be around people drinking, but I will say that there is a happy future without alcohol.
If, as seems to be the case, you know in your heart that drinking is a problem; you need to quit. To do this you really have to put your recovery at the top of your priorities.
I feel you also need to be completely honest with bf about the amount you are thinking, and that you are concerned. If he truly loves you he will support you. If not, do you want to continue risking your life and your relationship with your little one for him?
I'm sure if you can be open and honest. You can work things out; in the early days my hubby removed all drink from the house and wouldn't drink around me. Now when we go out, he drinks if he wants to, doesn't if he doesn't, and we have alcohol in the house, but only because I feel comfortable around it. My decision to stop drinking has made some changes in our lives for sure, but the vast majority of them are for the better.
Remind bf that you are not his ex, and that it will be much nicer to be around you if you are not having drunken rows.
Stick around, you will find plenty of support, suggestions and many, many similar stories. It took me another 20 years to get to where you are today, don't be like me.
One thing you will learn here is that if you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, moderation is not an option. It just isn't. It never works long term for anyone with an alcohol issue. I too have a social drinking partner, and friends and family to whom drinking is a part of every social event. I won't pretend it is easy to quit and be around people drinking, but I will say that there is a happy future without alcohol.
If, as seems to be the case, you know in your heart that drinking is a problem; you need to quit. To do this you really have to put your recovery at the top of your priorities.
I feel you also need to be completely honest with bf about the amount you are thinking, and that you are concerned. If he truly loves you he will support you. If not, do you want to continue risking your life and your relationship with your little one for him?
I'm sure if you can be open and honest. You can work things out; in the early days my hubby removed all drink from the house and wouldn't drink around me. Now when we go out, he drinks if he wants to, doesn't if he doesn't, and we have alcohol in the house, but only because I feel comfortable around it. My decision to stop drinking has made some changes in our lives for sure, but the vast majority of them are for the better.
Remind bf that you are not his ex, and that it will be much nicer to be around you if you are not having drunken rows.
Stick around, you will find plenty of support, suggestions and many, many similar stories. It took me another 20 years to get to where you are today, don't be like me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Welcome to SR! I also have a 7 year old.
Being sober makes the world of difference when we are together. .
I'm 100% there, not thinking of when/how I will drink next..
You know how time consuming drinking is, the logistics, having to bring empties, or hiding them.
You are here and can be free of all that BS. Just make a plan, write it down if you must. Follow trough.
Being sober makes the world of difference when we are together. .
I'm 100% there, not thinking of when/how I will drink next..
You know how time consuming drinking is, the logistics, having to bring empties, or hiding them.
You are here and can be free of all that BS. Just make a plan, write it down if you must. Follow trough.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,383
Welcome SayWhen 
why don't you join our Class of April support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2014-a-16.html
it's as good a place to start as any
D
why don't you join our Class of April support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2014-a-16.html
it's as good a place to start as any
D
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