I abuse oxys. 6 days is the longest I've been sober in 4 years...When I wake up...
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 54
I abuse oxys. 6 days is the longest I've been sober in 4 years...When I wake up...
Sometimes I feel fine, sometimes I don't-just like anybody else. I make some coffee, sit down and read some on the ipad or laptop. And then it hits me. Wtf am I supposed to do all day. How can I get through this without pills? Then, unless I'm flat broke, I usually go and get something.
I've thought about a routine of as soon as I'm finished with the coffee to go for a walk every day (I only work 2 days a week), but then it usually rains the next day or I'm too weak to make it anywhere and I'm back home in 15 minutes and back to where I started.
Truth is, I make friends easily, I just don't have any here and it's hard to make new friends when you have nobody to go do things with. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm depressed. The pills do nothing but give me enough seretonin to make watching 8 hours of TV enjoyable(or tolerable).
My best friend since forever is an addict. Seems like everyone I've met since then is an addict.
If I avoid playgrounds and playmates-I'm isolated in a room. If I go to places like church or meetings, everyone seems cheesy to me and they are not anyone I like to hang around. I have a dry sense of humor and love to laugh and everyone I meet is so serious.
4 years ago to the day, I lost the girl I wanted to marry. I've spiraled since then. None of the relationships I've been in has worked, hell they don't even make it to dating. I lose interest because they aren't her. I lose interest because it's too much effort and texting and talking to put into someone who isn't her.
I'm lonely. Drugs are my only friend. I know you guys are supportive, but you are not real friends that I can actually call or see and it make me feel better.
My friend the addict has come to terms with living his whole life like this. He told me he quit once for a year and he said that you pretty much have to just get pissed off at it. Get pissed off at wasting your money, get pissed off that your tolerance is so high that you don't even get a good buzz, just get pissed off.
I must say, I'm pretty pissed off. I'll spend 2-300 dollars and I won't feel anything but contentment.
What do I do? It seems so hopeless.
I want to join the gym so bad, but not bad enough to give up drugs. I want to go to church but not bad enough to give up drugs. I want to find a girl, but not bad enough to give up drugs. I want my business to grow to where I'm working more days, but not bad enough to give up drugs.
I just wanted to mention that I'm a 34 year old Dr. When I woke up yesterday morning out of a dream about my ex, I was afraid to go back to sleep so I just got up. As the day went on, I started to get angry that I hadn't dreamed of her ever and now I did and it had left me with tears in my eyes as I walked to the bathroom. I wondered why now, till I looked at the calendar and realized that it was exactly 4 years...exactly. Isn't that something.
I've thought about a routine of as soon as I'm finished with the coffee to go for a walk every day (I only work 2 days a week), but then it usually rains the next day or I'm too weak to make it anywhere and I'm back home in 15 minutes and back to where I started.
Truth is, I make friends easily, I just don't have any here and it's hard to make new friends when you have nobody to go do things with. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm depressed. The pills do nothing but give me enough seretonin to make watching 8 hours of TV enjoyable(or tolerable).
My best friend since forever is an addict. Seems like everyone I've met since then is an addict.
If I avoid playgrounds and playmates-I'm isolated in a room. If I go to places like church or meetings, everyone seems cheesy to me and they are not anyone I like to hang around. I have a dry sense of humor and love to laugh and everyone I meet is so serious.
4 years ago to the day, I lost the girl I wanted to marry. I've spiraled since then. None of the relationships I've been in has worked, hell they don't even make it to dating. I lose interest because they aren't her. I lose interest because it's too much effort and texting and talking to put into someone who isn't her.
I'm lonely. Drugs are my only friend. I know you guys are supportive, but you are not real friends that I can actually call or see and it make me feel better.
My friend the addict has come to terms with living his whole life like this. He told me he quit once for a year and he said that you pretty much have to just get pissed off at it. Get pissed off at wasting your money, get pissed off that your tolerance is so high that you don't even get a good buzz, just get pissed off.
I must say, I'm pretty pissed off. I'll spend 2-300 dollars and I won't feel anything but contentment.
What do I do? It seems so hopeless.
I want to join the gym so bad, but not bad enough to give up drugs. I want to go to church but not bad enough to give up drugs. I want to find a girl, but not bad enough to give up drugs. I want my business to grow to where I'm working more days, but not bad enough to give up drugs.
I just wanted to mention that I'm a 34 year old Dr. When I woke up yesterday morning out of a dream about my ex, I was afraid to go back to sleep so I just got up. As the day went on, I started to get angry that I hadn't dreamed of her ever and now I did and it had left me with tears in my eyes as I walked to the bathroom. I wondered why now, till I looked at the calendar and realized that it was exactly 4 years...exactly. Isn't that something.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hey Eastbound 
I think if you want change you need to make changes. If you put off making changes it just gets harder and harder to get yourself out of the mess.
Noone wants to be a 40 or 50 years old oxy addict.
If you're bored, but you make friends easily then make use of that skill.
Find some sober buddies.
Drugs are not your friends. They will turn on you, if they haven't already.
Last time you started a thread you asked for blueprints for recovery. You got some really good suggestions.
Take a look at that thread again.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-recover.html
I'm not elderly - just 10 years older than you - but I'm getting to the age where I realise every day is precious.
Don't waste anymore of your life man.
D
I think if you want change you need to make changes. If you put off making changes it just gets harder and harder to get yourself out of the mess.
Noone wants to be a 40 or 50 years old oxy addict.
If you're bored, but you make friends easily then make use of that skill.
Find some sober buddies.
Drugs are not your friends. They will turn on you, if they haven't already.
Last time you started a thread you asked for blueprints for recovery. You got some really good suggestions.
Take a look at that thread again.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-recover.html
I'm not elderly - just 10 years older than you - but I'm getting to the age where I realise every day is precious.
Don't waste anymore of your life man.
D
a bit out there
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 200
Hey six days is great. Four years using is quite a while. Perhaps it's even longer. What could it hurt to give sobriety a chance? I'd go for it, but that's up to you.
Small disclaimer: opiates did very little for me, regardless of method of administration. Some "friends" thought it was clever to see how many pills I could put away ..until they ran out. Perhaps I got lucky in not feeling anything but a bellyache. Alcohol was my DOC. Just thought I'd point out my lack of personal experience, though I've watched many struggle. Your story still caught my attention.
I ended my last major relationship and thought about it for years, the what ifs and all that. Any new person I developed a crush on became a sort of quasi-addiction, even when there's minimal participation. Addictive personality is something I'm quite familiar with.
Being sober is rough, this is now my 2nd longest time sober in about ten years, and it's quite tough at times. Major lifestyle changes are currently helping to offset the loneliness and extra time now available.
Exercise and diet helped me greatly in the past and I am employing those tools again. Even while reading/writing on the forums I work numerous muscle groups, with nothing more than my own body weight. Recent years have experienced an explosion of how-to's on the internet. I taught myself years ago and occasionally find myself "working out" even sitting at meetings and such, it's become habit, but not something I often did while using, as my body was sick and unpredictable.
Theological pursuits, interpersonal relationships, employment opportunities, etc, can become precarious quite quickly. My personal recommendation would be to put sobriety (and comfort in it) first, so long as other basic needs are met.
Making allies and associates was fairly easy for me; making friends was a bit more difficult. It's quite rare to find someone with enough similar interests to catch my attention. Having fun and mingling with others is also quite trying for me. Drugs were always there when I wanted some fun. Now it's a question of whether I want to live a few years, spiraling out of control and ending up dead or insane, or maybe live a few decades, possibly healthy and happy.
Perhaps many here pretend we're all friends until they feel a bit better and decide to disappear, using the forums/chatroom as a life vest until they can swim on their own. That wouldn't be atypical of support groups. Personally, I find the anonymity and lack of expectations of online communication refreshing. I experience enough face to face encounters to the point where I can appreciate the pick up and go attractiveness of this site.
Anyway, thanks for posting and I hope to see you around.
Small disclaimer: opiates did very little for me, regardless of method of administration. Some "friends" thought it was clever to see how many pills I could put away ..until they ran out. Perhaps I got lucky in not feeling anything but a bellyache. Alcohol was my DOC. Just thought I'd point out my lack of personal experience, though I've watched many struggle. Your story still caught my attention.
I ended my last major relationship and thought about it for years, the what ifs and all that. Any new person I developed a crush on became a sort of quasi-addiction, even when there's minimal participation. Addictive personality is something I'm quite familiar with.
Being sober is rough, this is now my 2nd longest time sober in about ten years, and it's quite tough at times. Major lifestyle changes are currently helping to offset the loneliness and extra time now available.
Exercise and diet helped me greatly in the past and I am employing those tools again. Even while reading/writing on the forums I work numerous muscle groups, with nothing more than my own body weight. Recent years have experienced an explosion of how-to's on the internet. I taught myself years ago and occasionally find myself "working out" even sitting at meetings and such, it's become habit, but not something I often did while using, as my body was sick and unpredictable.
Theological pursuits, interpersonal relationships, employment opportunities, etc, can become precarious quite quickly. My personal recommendation would be to put sobriety (and comfort in it) first, so long as other basic needs are met.
Making allies and associates was fairly easy for me; making friends was a bit more difficult. It's quite rare to find someone with enough similar interests to catch my attention. Having fun and mingling with others is also quite trying for me. Drugs were always there when I wanted some fun. Now it's a question of whether I want to live a few years, spiraling out of control and ending up dead or insane, or maybe live a few decades, possibly healthy and happy.
Perhaps many here pretend we're all friends until they feel a bit better and decide to disappear, using the forums/chatroom as a life vest until they can swim on their own. That wouldn't be atypical of support groups. Personally, I find the anonymity and lack of expectations of online communication refreshing. I experience enough face to face encounters to the point where I can appreciate the pick up and go attractiveness of this site.
Anyway, thanks for posting and I hope to see you around.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Eastboundndown - after reading your post the first question that comes to mind is why do you want to quit? You mention quite a few negatives about what is going on in your life outside of drugs, but when you mention the drugs it sounds like you are still romanticizing them.
Do you think that using has anything to do with feeling lonely, bored and depressed? Do you really believe that "Drugs are your only friend" and that nobody on here is a "real [friend]"?
I had to reach a point where the negatives of using outweighed the positives by a wide margin. The only negative that I see you mention about the drugs is that they are an expensive form of contentment for you. What about getting dopesick all the time?
With regard to your addict friend coming "to terms with living his whole life like this", that sounds exactly like something I would have said to my addict friends in the early stages of my addiction. Eventually the pain and misery of using got to the point that it became impossible to imagine another day of it much less a lifetime.
Have you considered seeing a doctor to discuss any of this with? Maybe they could offer some non-narcotic alternatives to dealing with the depression.
Do you think that using has anything to do with feeling lonely, bored and depressed? Do you really believe that "Drugs are your only friend" and that nobody on here is a "real [friend]"?
I had to reach a point where the negatives of using outweighed the positives by a wide margin. The only negative that I see you mention about the drugs is that they are an expensive form of contentment for you. What about getting dopesick all the time?
With regard to your addict friend coming "to terms with living his whole life like this", that sounds exactly like something I would have said to my addict friends in the early stages of my addiction. Eventually the pain and misery of using got to the point that it became impossible to imagine another day of it much less a lifetime.
Have you considered seeing a doctor to discuss any of this with? Maybe they could offer some non-narcotic alternatives to dealing with the depression.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Oh Boy, whew! that was a post that brought back so many bad feelings for me and I truly feel for you. The chasing the high, the trying to find the drugs, the money. The dope sickness.
What I can say is that there is a way out. If you are a DR. you know that.
My husband and I both went into detox. Him before me, he addicted to opiates me addicted to both alcohol and pills. Today we are both clean and sober. You have to get them out of your system and a detox will help you do that. A detox facility.
5-7 days, you will sweat, have the runs, be cold, irritable but the time will keep ticking away and you will get through it. Then you'll start feeling human again.
But that's not all, unless you put a plan into action, meetings in my case. You will not be addressing the underlying problem which leads to your obsession to use.
But I am telling you my husband and I were right where you are at. I was doctor shopping, faking injuries to get scripts and buying them off the street, I turned every dime I had over to buying them, No insurance.
Doc you don't have to live this way. Take a weeks leave. Go to a detox in another state if you have to, just get those drugs out of your system. It is really hard to detox on your own. I know.
What I can say is that there is a way out. If you are a DR. you know that.
My husband and I both went into detox. Him before me, he addicted to opiates me addicted to both alcohol and pills. Today we are both clean and sober. You have to get them out of your system and a detox will help you do that. A detox facility.
5-7 days, you will sweat, have the runs, be cold, irritable but the time will keep ticking away and you will get through it. Then you'll start feeling human again.
But that's not all, unless you put a plan into action, meetings in my case. You will not be addressing the underlying problem which leads to your obsession to use.
But I am telling you my husband and I were right where you are at. I was doctor shopping, faking injuries to get scripts and buying them off the street, I turned every dime I had over to buying them, No insurance.
Doc you don't have to live this way. Take a weeks leave. Go to a detox in another state if you have to, just get those drugs out of your system. It is really hard to detox on your own. I know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 54
I'm sick of it all. The people I have to deal with to get them. The being sick if I don't have them, the way I have to hide everything, the lies I tell, the isolation I get when I use.
I don't have money to go to a detox. I spend it all as soon as it comes in. I look at people everyday and wonder how they do it. Why don't they have to use something to feel like going shopping or playing ball.
I can handle the physical withdrawals, it's the mental that always gets me. The depression, boredom and cravings.
I don't want to live like this but then I can't convince myself that it may get better. I think well if I had money it's not like I would have anybody to do anything with.
beware of broken people, for they know how to survive
I don't have money to go to a detox. I spend it all as soon as it comes in. I look at people everyday and wonder how they do it. Why don't they have to use something to feel like going shopping or playing ball.
I can handle the physical withdrawals, it's the mental that always gets me. The depression, boredom and cravings.
I don't want to live like this but then I can't convince myself that it may get better. I think well if I had money it's not like I would have anybody to do anything with.
beware of broken people, for they know how to survive
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by eastboundndown 
beware of broken people, for they know how to survive
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Eastbound - I gotcha now. Your experience with withdrawal is consistent with what I experienced. The physical withdrawals were bad enough, but they were nothing compared with the mental withdrawal. The thing is that the depression, boredom and cravings don't last forever. Once you get through it you never have to go through it again.
I think you should have a realistic expectation of how long it is going to take though. At 6 days I was still extremely sick, and the physical withdrawals were still going strong. Even after the physical withdraws passed though I was still having severe mental withdrawal. It took a while for me to get through the mental symptoms, but right now I am at 53 days and things are going very well. Even after a couple weeks I was feeling way better than when I was using. Every improvement from here on out is just icing on the cake.
As far as people not needing to use something to feel like going shopping or playing ball, that is something you can have again too. I felt the exact same way when I was still using, but the old spark of life is alive again now.
In you original post you mentioned that you didn't like "meetings", which I assume are NA meetings. It took an NA meeting for me to convince myself that it could ever get better. I used to think that everyone that was clean was lying to me, hadn't used as much or for as long as I had, or were just being delusional. The first NA meeting I approached one of the members after the meeting who looked like he had been through the ringer. He had 30 years clean, and was able to convince me that all of the withdrawal / PAWS / etc. really goes away completely. It really wasn't until I talked to him face to face that I actually believed that I wasn't getting BSd by everybody.
If you meant other types of meetings, then I guess I would say to give NA a shot. If you did mean NA meetings then maybe try a different meeting.
I think you should have a realistic expectation of how long it is going to take though. At 6 days I was still extremely sick, and the physical withdrawals were still going strong. Even after the physical withdraws passed though I was still having severe mental withdrawal. It took a while for me to get through the mental symptoms, but right now I am at 53 days and things are going very well. Even after a couple weeks I was feeling way better than when I was using. Every improvement from here on out is just icing on the cake.
As far as people not needing to use something to feel like going shopping or playing ball, that is something you can have again too. I felt the exact same way when I was still using, but the old spark of life is alive again now.
In you original post you mentioned that you didn't like "meetings", which I assume are NA meetings. It took an NA meeting for me to convince myself that it could ever get better. I used to think that everyone that was clean was lying to me, hadn't used as much or for as long as I had, or were just being delusional. The first NA meeting I approached one of the members after the meeting who looked like he had been through the ringer. He had 30 years clean, and was able to convince me that all of the withdrawal / PAWS / etc. really goes away completely. It really wasn't until I talked to him face to face that I actually believed that I wasn't getting BSd by everybody.
If you meant other types of meetings, then I guess I would say to give NA a shot. If you did mean NA meetings then maybe try a different meeting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 54
I broke at 6 days before because I hadn't slept any at all. Not a minute. Not even tired. It was driving me crazy. So I thought, I'll go buy a xanax and just get one good night sleep. When I got there, I got what I went for, but right before I left, I was talked right into buying a roxy. Because I thought, 'hey why not it won't set me back too far'. That was 10 months ago.
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