Crap here we go again
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
Wow, I feel like I reading an excerpt from my own life, replace cigarettes with marijuana, and I would think it was my life! I so empathize with you, but here is what I can contribute:
My experience:
I wasted ALOT of energy on trying to prove I was being lied to. I created a wedge in our relationship, by saying "what he does is his choice" and them driving myself insane looking for any and all clues. I wrongly accused him of much more than smoking weed. I was a lunatic when it came to this. If I'm gonna get sober then, YOU have to be honest with ME! And then 3 months in, I relapsed.
My strength:
Well, it came to me when I let it go. HE smokes pot. I'm an alcoholic. I have unreasonable expectations, regardless of what he is doing. It's the way alcoholics work. Period. I need to keep MY side of the street clean. I found I was so hard on him because I HAD BEEN THE DECEITFUL ONE for soooo long, hiding drinks lying about my consumption, pretending to know what happened the night before, and keeping up the act that everything was ok.
My hope:
Is that I don't let HIS habits dictate MY day to day life. I hope that as he watches myself grow and learn to be more communicative that he will want to follow suit. I hope that on a daily basis I have the patience to not over complicate things and not lash out on him because of my own shortcomings and downfalls. He tried to shame me into quitting drinking and it NEVER worked.
I wish you the best in your journey. I never wanted to hear that I couldn't fix him, today I am relieved that I don't have to. He's on his own path and who I am to interfere with that? I have many attempts at failed sobriety and that's because I spent so much time looking out rather than looking in. It does get better.
My experience:
I wasted ALOT of energy on trying to prove I was being lied to. I created a wedge in our relationship, by saying "what he does is his choice" and them driving myself insane looking for any and all clues. I wrongly accused him of much more than smoking weed. I was a lunatic when it came to this. If I'm gonna get sober then, YOU have to be honest with ME! And then 3 months in, I relapsed.
My strength:
Well, it came to me when I let it go. HE smokes pot. I'm an alcoholic. I have unreasonable expectations, regardless of what he is doing. It's the way alcoholics work. Period. I need to keep MY side of the street clean. I found I was so hard on him because I HAD BEEN THE DECEITFUL ONE for soooo long, hiding drinks lying about my consumption, pretending to know what happened the night before, and keeping up the act that everything was ok.
My hope:
Is that I don't let HIS habits dictate MY day to day life. I hope that as he watches myself grow and learn to be more communicative that he will want to follow suit. I hope that on a daily basis I have the patience to not over complicate things and not lash out on him because of my own shortcomings and downfalls. He tried to shame me into quitting drinking and it NEVER worked.
I wish you the best in your journey. I never wanted to hear that I couldn't fix him, today I am relieved that I don't have to. He's on his own path and who I am to interfere with that? I have many attempts at failed sobriety and that's because I spent so much time looking out rather than looking in. It does get better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
Sorry, since I'm on my phone I don't know how to edit the post, but I do have to add he is still smoking marijuana. I express my dislike, in a tasteful manner and move one with my life. I don't have time or energy left over to waste on fixing him. I am working on me. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
My guess is that he doesn't really want to quit right now, he just wants you to lay off of him and will tell you what you want to hear to reach that result.
Is his smoking a deal-breaker? Will you leave him if he doesn't quit? If not, leave it alone. His lying to you is a direct, foreseeable response to your attitudes. If you don't want people to lie to you, don't ask questions when you know the likely answer is one they really don't want to give to you, you're putting him in between the rock and the hard place.
If he was volunteering lies, like, out of the blue, "yeah I feel so good, I haven't had a cigarette in weeks" -- yeah, that's pretty objectionable. But if you're putting him on the spot where it's either "lie" or "admit bad behavior" .. most people (and this is definitely how addicts are, you get good at it through years of practice) will tell you what you want to hear.
Sure, offer to support him if he quits, that's all fair game. But what you're doing now is setting him up to fail, and building up bad blood in your relationship in the bargain--never a good idea.
Is his smoking a deal-breaker? Will you leave him if he doesn't quit? If not, leave it alone. His lying to you is a direct, foreseeable response to your attitudes. If you don't want people to lie to you, don't ask questions when you know the likely answer is one they really don't want to give to you, you're putting him in between the rock and the hard place.
If he was volunteering lies, like, out of the blue, "yeah I feel so good, I haven't had a cigarette in weeks" -- yeah, that's pretty objectionable. But if you're putting him on the spot where it's either "lie" or "admit bad behavior" .. most people (and this is definitely how addicts are, you get good at it through years of practice) will tell you what you want to hear.
Sure, offer to support him if he quits, that's all fair game. But what you're doing now is setting him up to fail, and building up bad blood in your relationship in the bargain--never a good idea.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Originally Posted by ontherightpath 
Wow, I feel like I reading an excerpt from my own life, replace cigarettes with marijuana, and I would think it was my life! I so empathize with you, but here is what I can contribute:
My experience:
I wasted ALOT of energy on trying to prove I was being lied to. I created a wedge in our relationship, by saying "what he does is his choice" and them driving myself insane looking for any and all clues. I wrongly accused him of much more than smoking weed. I was a lunatic when it came to this. If I'm gonna get sober then, YOU have to be honest with ME! And then 3 months in, I relapsed.
My strength:
Well, it came to me when I let it go. HE smokes pot. I'm an alcoholic. I have unreasonable expectations, regardless of what he is doing. It's the way alcoholics work. Period. I need to keep MY side of the street clean. I found I was so hard on him because I HAD BEEN THE DECEITFUL ONE for soooo long, hiding drinks lying about my consumption, pretending to know what happened the night before, and keeping up the act that everything was ok.
My hope:
Is that I don't let HIS habits dictate MY day to day life. I hope that as he watches myself grow and learn to be more communicative that he will want to follow suit. I hope that on a daily basis I have the patience to not over complicate things and not lash out on him because of my own shortcomings and downfalls. He tried to shame me into quitting drinking and it NEVER worked.
I wish you the best in your journey. I never wanted to hear that I couldn't fix him, today I am relieved that I don't have to. He's on his own path and who I am to interfere with that? I have many attempts at failed sobriety and that's because I spent so much time looking out rather than looking in. It does get better.
My experience:
I wasted ALOT of energy on trying to prove I was being lied to. I created a wedge in our relationship, by saying "what he does is his choice" and them driving myself insane looking for any and all clues. I wrongly accused him of much more than smoking weed. I was a lunatic when it came to this. If I'm gonna get sober then, YOU have to be honest with ME! And then 3 months in, I relapsed.
My strength:
Well, it came to me when I let it go. HE smokes pot. I'm an alcoholic. I have unreasonable expectations, regardless of what he is doing. It's the way alcoholics work. Period. I need to keep MY side of the street clean. I found I was so hard on him because I HAD BEEN THE DECEITFUL ONE for soooo long, hiding drinks lying about my consumption, pretending to know what happened the night before, and keeping up the act that everything was ok.
My hope:
Is that I don't let HIS habits dictate MY day to day life. I hope that as he watches myself grow and learn to be more communicative that he will want to follow suit. I hope that on a daily basis I have the patience to not over complicate things and not lash out on him because of my own shortcomings and downfalls. He tried to shame me into quitting drinking and it NEVER worked.
I wish you the best in your journey. I never wanted to hear that I couldn't fix him, today I am relieved that I don't have to. He's on his own path and who I am to interfere with that? I have many attempts at failed sobriety and that's because I spent so much time looking out rather than looking in. It does get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Originally Posted by Notmyrealname
My guess is that he doesn't really want to quit right now, he just wants you to lay off of him and will tell you what you want to hear to reach that result.
Is his smoking a deal-breaker? Will you leave him if he doesn't quit? If not, leave it alone. His lying to you is a direct, foreseeable response to your attitudes. If you don't want people to lie to you, don't ask questions when you know the likely answer is one they really don't want to give to you, you're putting him in between the rock and the hard place.
If he was volunteering lies, like, out of the blue, "yeah I feel so good, I haven't had a cigarette in weeks" -- yeah, that's pretty objectionable. But if you're putting him on the spot where it's either "lie" or "admit bad behavior" .. most people (and this is definitely how addicts are, you get good at it through years of practice) will tell you what you want to hear.
Sure, offer to support him if he quits, that's all fair game. But what you're doing now is setting him up to fail, and building up bad blood in your relationship in the bargain--never a good idea.
Is his smoking a deal-breaker? Will you leave him if he doesn't quit? If not, leave it alone. His lying to you is a direct, foreseeable response to your attitudes. If you don't want people to lie to you, don't ask questions when you know the likely answer is one they really don't want to give to you, you're putting him in between the rock and the hard place.
If he was volunteering lies, like, out of the blue, "yeah I feel so good, I haven't had a cigarette in weeks" -- yeah, that's pretty objectionable. But if you're putting him on the spot where it's either "lie" or "admit bad behavior" .. most people (and this is definitely how addicts are, you get good at it through years of practice) will tell you what you want to hear.
Sure, offer to support him if he quits, that's all fair game. But what you're doing now is setting him up to fail, and building up bad blood in your relationship in the bargain--never a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 70
You still keep avoiding hitting the nail on the head...
WHY is he lying?
Out of the blue?
Or because he's telling you what you want to hear?
If it's the latter, you ARE setting him up for failure, then getting mad because he fails.
That IS on you.
You can answer this if you want, but I have to ask ... Are you maybe focusing on his addiction to keep your mind off your own?
WHY is he lying?
Out of the blue?
Or because he's telling you what you want to hear?
If it's the latter, you ARE setting him up for failure, then getting mad because he fails.
That IS on you.
You can answer this if you want, but I have to ask ... Are you maybe focusing on his addiction to keep your mind off your own?
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by sunshine72
This has been the best advice. I was with a crystal met addict for 4 years about 20 years ago, so have alot of experience trying to fix someone. I fell apart in the process. I don't want that to happen again. That is for sure.
There's nothing wrong with disliking deception, but I suggest you may handle the situation differently, in a way that doesn't deplete you emotionally, and to the extent that you feel as though you have to leave.
Maybe I missed it, but I haven't seen any comments from you about your being fine with his smoking if he were completely open about it. That seems to be a missing but vital part of this dynamic. Also, smoking for your husband seems to have become a "special moment" for him, even more so because he doesn't know when that next moment will be. You didn't create any bad blood, nor did you contribute to your husband's addiction to nicotine. But you most certainly are part of the dynamic of your husband "sneaking" a smoke, you catching him, and then him adjusting his "sneaky" behaviors.
As is true with drinking and using other drugs, the getting-away-with-it part becomes part of the thrill, further solidifying one's determination to continue.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
He was always a heavy smoker since I first met him. He quit on his own for a while now so I thought. If he goes to full blown smoker again I love him enough to make peace with it. We even have the occasional smoke together. I'm a total buzz kill. All along it has always been about the lying about it.
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