Work tonight
 

So, as a caveat, I know this may be a controversial topic for some, but I'd really appreciate if I could vent here and focus on the feelings/triggers surrounding my job. :bigok: I'm taking a risk airing it all out, but I feel it needs to be said, to be heard, because my AV will otherwise use the secrecy against me. :c025:

I work night shift as a dancer and have never worked a shift without having at least a couple drinks - and very often, many many more than that. ;)

Today was my second day sober - I never ever ever thought that I could make it that far! - I attended my first-ever AA meeting and (drum roll) went to work. I was nervous, terrified even, that I wouldn't be able to work without a drink. And it was soooo weird. I didn't know how to work my job anymore! Quite honestly, I've been doing this for two years now, and I felt like it was my first day doing it again! I was shy of the customers, worried that I'd be offered a drink (and I do know - intellectually - I could say any number of things, like I'm diabetic, I'm on antibiotics, I'm driving tonight, I'm allergic, I had one earlier and don't need one now, etc... or even get a virgin something. We have code words for shots and drinks for underage dancers who still want to participate in the "drinking activity" of the customers). That being said, almost all of my angst tonight was IN MY HEAD.

It was a bad night. We had more girls than usual and everybody was complaining about how bad it was. But me? No, my little AV voice niggled in my ear - "you're having a bad night cuz you can't drink." "even if it's slow, any other slow night you could always find THAT customer to drink with." etc etc. I took frequent breaks, ate a healthy snack/meal, talked with a few of my sober, supportive co-worker friends, tried to work ... let's just say I survived.

I didn't drink! But I left two hours early because I just couldn't take it any more. I'm still kinda foggy-groggy, didn't sleep well last night, felt bloated, ugly, sober, blah, bland, scared, nervous. The actual dancing and stuff didn't make me nervous, I guess I really am okay with that, but it was the "having to make conversation with strangers" part that really just froze me up.

I'm not as thrilled about my victory as I thought I would be. I'm accepting of the fact that I cried all the way home because I didn't make any money, but I also realize I'm being really hard on myself. It's not like I can just change my M.O. overnight!

I'm soooo grateful I:
- didn't drink!
- drove myself to work and back - sober!
- reached out to several of my friends
- ate responsibly (I tend to restrict if I can't have a drink with it)
- am beginning to realize just how blurred my nights at work have been
- am beginning to realize I do have great potential to be even better than I was when I was drinking, it's just going to take longer than I'd like. (dang impatience! Lol)
- had the courage to write this out on here.

And you know what? I'm going to get up and do it again tomorrow. It can only get easier.

Though I must say it was a very difficult night tonight. I got by with a little help from my friends and some pretty intense self-awareness! Maybe too much of the latter, lol. I was overthinking EVERYTHING. Ugh. But am going to accept this as a positive night overall (even though I made the LEAST amount of money I have EVER made). It's worth my life to do this!!! :headbang:

(and I'm sorry if I offend anyone, I don't know where else to go to reach out. I'm not at a point where I can leave my job for other work, so this must be done - even if I didn't make any money tonight, haha. I'm feeling kinda raw about everything right now and am scared that I'll be shunned here if I come out with all of this.) :tyou

Congrats on staying sober for 2days! Keep it going!

I worked as a bartender for a while, and I can't imagine I could have quit being around booze for my work. It would have been very very hard.

Best of Luck on Your Journey! :ring

hi rouge dreams, your night sounds like a triumph to me. Our great achievements don't have to come easy, and I think you did really well, after all everyone has good and bad days but it's all about coping with them in a healthy way.

Your attitude sounds really positive.

I used to work as a musician, so I know it can be rough.

It's not where I'd choose to spend my early recovery but I understand you have to pay the bills too...

Stay committed and be on your guard - and remember any thought that a drink is ok is a lie :)

D

I'd hope you won't be shunned, this isn't the Amish forum, at least I don't think . . <checks URL>

Nah, its something about "so-bob-covery" . .

Anyway, it gets a lot better but it might take some time, couple weeks maybe and some days will be better than other days. Hard to say. You are doing really great though, keep it up!

Congratulations. I forced myself onto the stage when I gave up drinking to get it over and done with and it just got better. They won't all be bad nights xxxxxx

Can't see anything offensive in your post. Relax.

Well done for getting through it and respect for going back tonight. Do be careful though, it seems that even a momentary slip could be your downfall with the poison so close and readily available.

Good luck.

You will most likely find that you want a new job soon, but you probably would be at that place whether you stopped drinking or not. Your career is the type that chews people up and discards them quickly. Getting sober is the first step towards you taking control of this situation.

I simply love your honesty, rogue; it should serve you very well is achieving sobriety. Being honest with yourself is huge in this process; took me a long time to get there. I am really looking forward to being a part of your journey. Very glad you found SR.

glad you didn't drink

staying sober with your job can be achieved, I've seen others do it

:)

sending you hugs and love and an awesome sober journey!

I have to agree with this post, but that's big picture thinking. If you're on Day 2, the key is to make it to Day 3. We understand you need to pay rent, etc. We also understand that if being a Wal-Mart greeter is the only alternative right now, it's probably not appealing to look elsewhere.

You might eventually find that being a part of the bar & nightlife scene isn't a lifelong option. Congrats on Day 2 and I hope Day 3 is another positive step.

I had to come back and find my first post to these forums.

I eventually got sober for "real" on Sept 8, 2014 and have not used or drank since that date. I quit dancing and now work as an analyst for a security company.

In sponsoring others in AA, I have had two girls recently relapse on me, which has sparked memories of when I was trying to get sober. I had to revisit the old online trail to see where I was at. It's funny... I am SO alcoholic. LOL!!

Well that's pretty damned impressive! Well done!

Really glad to hear from you and read that update roguedreams - congratulations :)

D

I'm so happy to read your wonderful news, rogue. :)

Thank you for posting this update. I am new to sobriety and worry about failing. Reading about long term success stories reminds me it is possible and really motivates me. I am very happy for you.

What a great update. Thanks for coming back!

Glad you came back to share the news. :) You are an example that it can be done. :hug: