Trapped inside Myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 1
Trapped inside Myself.
I don't like talking to people, except my kids that I rarely see. Talking at people with no desire for a response is probably a more accurate description of what feels right.
I sobered in August of 2012 at an in-patient treatment facility. My using had gotten to the point that sobering up consisted of temporary DT's, hallucinations and impaired motor skills/eyesight. The tail end of my using consisted of talking to myself at length, fits of rage/uncontrollable crying, lapses in personal hygene and the overwhelming feeling that I was pure evil.
It was such a nasty experience that I have not used again but I find that my sober personality is much different than it was the last time I sobered in my mid-twenties.
This is why I'm here.
Depression is a major part of my existence. It's like a roller coaster. Sometimes I'll feel "fine" and other times I want to rage or die.
Early in my sobriety I was all about going to church but I quickly discovered that the feeling of being in church was not the same as the feeling that I got from fellowship with Christians. The same feelings apply to AA or NA meetings. I'm fine with being there but I loathe 1 on 1 or group conversations.
Early on, those conversations would happen and then afterwards I would have an overwhelming feeling of despair. Now, I've started having those feelings at the beginning of conversations. Any conversation. The only situation that I can compare it to is that of a bad acid trip. "Make it stop."
I saw a therapist early on and had this feeling after each session, but that was then, and the funding ran out. Now, when I think of seeing a therapist, I get a feeling of... not panic... more fear/anger. Those feelings seem to come from the thought that the therapist will have little "ideas" and all sorts of probing questions and I'd rather not.
I realize that this problem and my suicidal ideation are just twisted up coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of... something (not sure exactly). They're keeping me sick but in order to feel less sick I've got to feel more sick?
I'm having one of those roller-coaster rides today where I feel like I could be very destructive to the world around me and it was especially difficult to censor the rage and cuss from this post. Thank you for reading.
I'd really like to hear from someone that has had a similar experience to mine.
I sobered in August of 2012 at an in-patient treatment facility. My using had gotten to the point that sobering up consisted of temporary DT's, hallucinations and impaired motor skills/eyesight. The tail end of my using consisted of talking to myself at length, fits of rage/uncontrollable crying, lapses in personal hygene and the overwhelming feeling that I was pure evil.
It was such a nasty experience that I have not used again but I find that my sober personality is much different than it was the last time I sobered in my mid-twenties.
This is why I'm here.
Depression is a major part of my existence. It's like a roller coaster. Sometimes I'll feel "fine" and other times I want to rage or die.
Early in my sobriety I was all about going to church but I quickly discovered that the feeling of being in church was not the same as the feeling that I got from fellowship with Christians. The same feelings apply to AA or NA meetings. I'm fine with being there but I loathe 1 on 1 or group conversations.
Early on, those conversations would happen and then afterwards I would have an overwhelming feeling of despair. Now, I've started having those feelings at the beginning of conversations. Any conversation. The only situation that I can compare it to is that of a bad acid trip. "Make it stop."
I saw a therapist early on and had this feeling after each session, but that was then, and the funding ran out. Now, when I think of seeing a therapist, I get a feeling of... not panic... more fear/anger. Those feelings seem to come from the thought that the therapist will have little "ideas" and all sorts of probing questions and I'd rather not.
I realize that this problem and my suicidal ideation are just twisted up coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of... something (not sure exactly). They're keeping me sick but in order to feel less sick I've got to feel more sick?
I'm having one of those roller-coaster rides today where I feel like I could be very destructive to the world around me and it was especially difficult to censor the rage and cuss from this post. Thank you for reading.
I'd really like to hear from someone that has had a similar experience to mine.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
hi nameANDnumber, welcome.
I did go through depression many years ago. Not exactly the same as you describe. I just wonder if you are seeing, have seen or are willing to see a professional therapist.
Hang in there. I know it's tough. I took me almost a year to regain my sanity, but I needed medication to help me along with seeing a therapist weekly for a while.
I did go through depression many years ago. Not exactly the same as you describe. I just wonder if you are seeing, have seen or are willing to see a professional therapist.
Hang in there. I know it's tough. I took me almost a year to regain my sanity, but I needed medication to help me along with seeing a therapist weekly for a while.
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