JohnnySober

Hi everyone

Long time reader, first time poster here. I've had a problem with alcohol for the past fifteen years. I'm 34 now, and I fear if I do not stop I will lose everything. I have a beautiful family, a beautiful wife and two beautiful, young children. I have a great career and everything anyone could ever ask for. The only flaw is that I can't control my alcohol intake. I've tried countless times over the past several years to quit or moderate, but without success. I made it a couple of months once or twice, but quickly got back into it. I've been sticking to light beer lately, which doesn't get me massively drunk, but honestly I would drink every single day if I could get away with it.

I would say everything bad that's ever happened to me was a result of drinking too much. I've hooked up with women, driven while loaded, got my wallet stolen by a stripper (long story), ended up in the hospital for over 2 weeks requiring surgery once, gotten into fights, compromised the trust of everyone who matters to me, and so on. None of that is the worst of it though. The worst of it is the anxiety and panic drinking to excess brings. It's really terrible. I can't deal with it. It eats away at my soul, like a virus. It eats away at my confidence and my ability to feel good about myself, and it puts me into a depression. When I was quit for those couple of months back last year or whenever, it was fantastic. I felt so great about myself, and my outlook on life was fantastic. I want that again.

I plan to use SR as a tool to stay sober. I live in a small town with a public job, so "in person" AA meetings is not an option for me. But I feel like I can do this.

Thanks for listening.

Johnny

CAPTAINZING2000

Ah did you drink in your small town bar or lock yourself up in your house an drink alone?

FreeOwl

Sounds eerily similar to my story.... I went another 7 years or so before getting serious about sobriety.

I also live in a small town... been going to AA on and off for three years, it's never become an issue. I encourage you to let go of your concerns about that and get to some meetings. It's been a huge help for me. Maybe there's another town not far away where you could attend without worrying so much? SR is great but having face-to-face support and a program to work is a real powerful tool.

You CAN do this.

ontherightpath

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of similar stories and tons of support!

Can I ask a question without you getting offended? Why is aa not an option? Because you live in a small town and are afraid of what people think? I live in a small town with a public job as well, there should be no shame in getting help, and all of those people who cast stones already know I have a drinking problem, they saw it long before I ever set foot in an aa meeting

Glad you're here! Stick around!

FreeOwl

also; the fact is that most people will respect you a lot more for your sobriety than for your drunkenness.

The few people who might criticize you for taking charge and choosing sobriety are likely problem drinkers themselves or else people not worth your concern.

instant

welcome. Sober life is easier once you get used to it- the torment and struggle can end

RevivingOphelia

Welcome!

It was also the anxiety and panic after a binge that got me to finally give it up. I couldn't take the morning afters anymore and thought this is no way to live.

You can do it!

Treerat66

Hi JohnnySober, welcome to SR

GreenEggsAndHam

Ah the shame of addiction. What you don't realize now is that you should be very proud of yourself for seeking help for your addiction and working on recovery before things get even worse. I felt such shame and humiliation walking into my first meeting, but I walk in proud now. Those meetings are a gift to me and I'm doing something good for myself by going. What other people think of it is their problem.

Anyway, I wish you luck and welcome to SR. You can stop and AA is not the only way to get sober, but one option that should not be dismissed too quickly, IMO.

Good luck and keep posting here. SR is a very supportive site!

JohnnySober

I almost always drink alone.. I very rarely go out to a bar to drink. Sometimes people do come over to drink with me though. Honestly though, I'd usually rather just drink alone.

JohnnySober

I don't feel it's only the people in the AA meeting, but rather it's my family that I wouldn't want to confess my alcohol problems to. Chances are, they already know that I have an issue with it, but they do not know to what extent. I honestly just don't want a big deal, or any deal whatsoever, made out of it, I just want to slip away into sobriety and not have anyone notice, really. I don't feel like I want to approach my wife and say "I am going to start going to AA". I don't think she will understand.. she'd say "But you're not an alcoholic" and she'd complain about it, seeing how we have two young children and countless things to do, I just wouldn't be able to justify taking the time to attend meetings. I don't even feel like I'd want to, anyway. I feel like I can make this all happen without "in-person" meetings.. at first it will be difficult but hopefully it will get easier. I've been reading a lot of books and I find they help.

JohnnySober

Thanks! I don't blame you for walking into meetings feeling proud. You should. And I know that anyone with an addiction should be applauded for taking steps to end this addiction. It's just that I am a very private person and I'd prefer to battle this issue on my own (or at least, with the help of SR). I don't want to come "out of the closet" per se, with my family, and have that feeling of awkwardness I am sure will follow. My parents are both alcoholics, and if I told them I quit drinking and am now in AA, it will be awkward around them, especially when they drink. I just don't want that. I can quit drinking under the radar. I only ever drink at home, usually alone, anyway.

abcowboy

Hi there and welcome to SR! From experience, I can tell you that the path to sobriety you've chosen is a very difficult one, I tried it time and time again...... only to relapse. I too preferred to drink alone and when I finally realized that fighting it alone wasn't working, I sought out more help. I'm not saying you can't do it, just saying it really helped me to have the face to face contact and discussion from my small town AA group. Whatever path you choose, all of us here at SR are ready and willing to offer support, you just have to reach out....

JohnnySober

Thanks abcowboy. You gave me something to think about for sure. Honestly it must sound pathetic to some of you to want to "hide" going to AA meetings.. but if I could do it without anyone knowing about it, I would feel more at ease. It sounds bizarre, I know.

IOAA2

Hi Johnny. This dis ease we have is cunning, powerful, insidious and as such makes us believe the non truths if we want to. Becoming honest with ourselves about our drinking is the first thing we need to do and continue doing. Alcoholism is a very progressive disease and it can move very fast causing a total loss of everything because we get a "I don't care" attitude among other feelings.
I'm old fashioned and present facts. We don't have to sober up AGAIN if we don't pick up the first drink.
We get sober and stay sober by working on our reasons that we drink, usually the fears we have and keep private.
There are a variety of ways to get sober and the one I chose was the only one in town at the time. The bottom line is they work IF we work them all the time.

BE WELL

GreenEggsAndHam

Not at all! Oh gosh I remember my first time going into an AA meeting that is held at the same church where both of my kids went to pre-K. I was convinced that their teachers who I had built a relationship with would see me. They haven't so far, but I no longer care if they do. I can totally relate to what you are saying.

There are other ways to get sober so you do have options. Some people do well just posting here. Some need a little more help. I applaud you for joining SR and taking that first step.

abcowboy

JS, not sure how small your town is, only 4500 in Vermilion, and I've been going to AA weekly for 3 months. I still have friends that mention getting together for a drink, they appear to have no idea that I quit drinking and joined AA lol. I don't shout it from the rooftops, but I don't hide, and those that mention getting together for a drink......I just tell them I stopped drinking because it was getting to be too much of a habit.....

EJ43

Hi Johnny! I am new to all this, 46 days, still feels like 5 mentally. I totally relate to the family thing EXCEPT for the spouse. My husband is the only person that knows, really knows and I can tell him anything. Recently I was talking to him about how exhausting the scheming and hiding was getting at the end (well hopefully the end) and he just looked at me and said he knew everything I did. No judgement. She knows Johnny and will probably be relieved, supportive and happy you want to go in another direction. Give her a chance. I know I couldn't begin to dot his without my husband. Good luck and hang in there!

KateL

Welcome Johnny xxxx

JohnnySober

Thanks for all these great pieces of advice everyone. I plan on spending a lot of time on SR with you fine folks. Gonna beat this addiction starting.............. now