Brooke1234

How do you deal with children when you are an alcoholic?

Jade1224

What do you mean?

How old are they?

Dee74

Hi Brooke

I presume you mean as a parent, but I'm not sure exactly what you're asking?

D

Brooke1234

They are 10 and 13. I mean that when they were younger...they did not understand why mom was "checked out at night" Now , they are asking me questions... The shame level is rising, and and feel more pressure to do something

Brooke1234

How can I help them? I was a child of an alcoholic and nothing was ever said. It was like the white elephant in the room. I don't want to be like that

Jade1224

I think honesty is the way to go. At least with the older one.

But you need to have a plan.

Have you decided to quit for good?

The best thing to do for them is to get to yourself sober. Detox safely.

Adnamaeel

Brook,
I can't speak to your circumstances, but I truly believe that if you are not honest with your children, you both teach them and give them permission to not be honest with you.

savarna

The best thing u can do is quit drinking now and lead by example , children are sponges they soak up everything from there parents positive and negative there is still time

Renarde

I quit. I told my spouse and quit. I love my kid so much and I have one shot at parenting. I have a little one but I think they can tell when you're not invested in the present moment with them because you're preoccupied with your addiction. She seemed thrilled when I quit and was more I tune and attentive during our time together.

Jeni26

The best thing you can do for your kids is to stop drinking...I know it isn't easy, I've been in your shoes, but my kids were older when I stopped and I wasted many years.

Decide on a plan to quit, then give it everything you've got. Get support wherever you can. I posted on SR a lot and joined a monthly support group. I also had AA, and went for therapy. Do whatever it takes. Don't make false promises to your kids. I am also the daughter of an alcoholic, and my Dad's tears and regrets every few weeks meant nothing to me.

The best way to make amends is by becoming the parent they deserve you to be...there is no better feeling in the world than suddenly realising that they have regained trust in you.

Talk to them, teach them about alcoholism, but above all show them by your actions that things have changed.

hopefulinAus

I relate. I could get away with it when they were little. Now I can't. Over the last few months they have started making comments. My 11 year old has been learning about it at school. He made a remark about me losing brain cells. I feel so uncomfortable during those discussions that remembering them helps me avoid succumbing to temptation. There are alcoholic genes on both sides of the family so they are already behind the right ball. The best thing for you and I to do is stop modelling alcoholic behaviour.

Brooke1234

Thanks....this is helpful. So much guilt and shame in what I have done. The same was done to me as a child, and I vowed as a child never to repeat it!!

teetotalitarian

From a child of two alcoholics, HONESTY. Also, reinforce HARD that it's not their fault and you're not drinking because of them AT ALL. It's a DISEASE.

Those might seem like gratuitous caps, and maybe they are, but having my mom say, "I have a disease. It's not your fault." would have meant a lot to me when I was a kid.

Drinking is not in reaction to something they did. It's not because they are stressing you out, it's not because they leave their toys out, because they cost you too much money, etc. Kids are masters of feeling guilt on behalf of unwell parents. I sure did.

Also, don't ever make them tell lies for you. Don't make the older one responsible for any younger ones. No lies!

ReadyAtLast

The best thing you can do for your children is quit. They will learn by example and I'm sure they know a heck of a lot already at their ages. I'm not sure from your post if you are asking for advice on how to quit or just what to explain to your children but the best thing to do is quit.

hiding drinking won't work-they are not stupid. Lying isn't good either. The best way to help them is to have a plan to quit and do everything you can to quit. your children need and deserve a sober mum and you deserve it too.

I don't think just saying it's a disease and I've no control over it and keep drinking will achieve anything. If you show them you want to quit and take steps to do that that is the best thing you can do for them. You do have the power and control to do something about it,if you want to.

There are many mums on here ( me included )

KateL

Kids know what is going on anyway - I know mine did from a very young age. I got sober and explained that drink had a terrible affect on me, as it does some people. They were just glad to have me back. Mine are much older now, but as I said in an earlier thread, my grandchildren have never seen me drunk xxxxxx

Thepatman

I have a 7 year old son. He once told me when I was sober for a month, Daddy why are you so patient these days? Once it was you look weird daddy.

They know something is off. That is why I'm sober now. I believe Alcoholism is partially genetics but also from behavioral observations.

I looked at my mom drunk when I was young, when she was sad she would drink to oblivion and cry. So I learned that when I'm sad, if I drink it's the solution type of thing.

I would bet you that if you get sober you won't have anything to explain other then why are you so happy now mom and spend more time with us? Than you can say whatever you want, momy was sick a bit for a while. When they are adults, then the time might come when you need to tell the hole story becqause they are experiencing with Alcohol.

You will have the tools and experience to help them, so see this as an experience, but stopping is key I think.

EJ43

Hi hopeful! I have children the same age, plus a younger one. My middle guy is learning about substances at school, but has informed me he will never ever drink. Trust me, they know. My youngest two have picked me up off the floor, they have all watched me throw up the next morning among other cringe worthy moments. It still wasn't enough for me though. I finally did stop and am in 47 days, so still new. I am a better mom in so many ways, but it is still really hard. I am seeing a therapist and am really really new going to meetings. Things are improving for me, physically, in my relationships and definitely in my home.....but even with all these improvements, it is rough....hence my problem! But it is WORTH IT! We laugh! They are beautiful moments! I don't have a glass of wine in my hand that is my
Main focus, or hanging with friends drinking telling my kids to go play. We go out for pizza, we TAlK about things important to them....it's so so so worth it times a gazillion! I read here in the morning and at night. Just a reminder to me to hang on. Stay here and give it a wholehearted shot, you won't regret it!

FreeOwl

when you're sober, your children never see you 'checked out'.

they see you present, they see you facing life and dealing with it, they see you leading an example they can ground themselves in.

I think the best way to deal with children when you're an alcoholic is to simply...

BE SOBER.



You can do it.

IOAA2

That's the sad part of it. In general most alcoholics love their children and never want them to follow our path. For many years I heard this at meetings and shivered. I know several families of children where 4-6 are in the program and have an alcoholic parent.
Unfortunately children seem to learn an awful lot by just watching from an age of pre crawling and perhaps of genetics also. The logical suggestion is to stop drinking and become a power of example.

BE WELL

ontherightpath

I have been in these same positions. My oldest (now 11) would get so mad at me! You're acting weird, calling daddy, who travels, being downright scares of me because I would drink, and make irrational demands and then pass out. Have to ask him what happened the night before. He has been my number one supporter and appreciates my willingness to get sober. I stopped talking and started proving. The last thing I need to do is get my child to believes lines of bs, at such a tender age. My motto, for me, is prove now, talk later. Answer any questions but don't get too into it.