What they say is true, it REALLY does get worse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NB canada
Posts: 57
Thank you so much everyone, for the kind words...really. I cried this am while reading them. I fall victim to the whole `no one understand mentality``...but in reality they do...I`m not unique, and I need to realize this. It`s almost funny....I have ALWAYS been able to admit I`m an alcoholic...almost flippantly...but you know, I was different...and could stop anytime...I remember a few months ago, going on to my mother about how I Didn`t need rehab....`` I`m not a b c or d...`` she was rolling her eyes......probably because I had urinated on her couch the night before after drinking...but yeah haha...I can talk the talk....although my charm is starting to lose its effect....( starting to look and sound like what my friends and I have always referred to as a " hard ticket")....
I have to remind myself that even though I feel like this now..I do have reasons to go on, and keep trying...right now the self hatred is so high that it's hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak....but how many times have I thought things couldn't get worse, then they did....then they got marginally better...then drinking ruins it again....so this time...I'm going to hold tight, and when things DO get better...I am going to be open to it, and allow for them to continue to get better...rather than hitting the same wall over and over again.
I have to remind myself that even though I feel like this now..I do have reasons to go on, and keep trying...right now the self hatred is so high that it's hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak....but how many times have I thought things couldn't get worse, then they did....then they got marginally better...then drinking ruins it again....so this time...I'm going to hold tight, and when things DO get better...I am going to be open to it, and allow for them to continue to get better...rather than hitting the same wall over and over again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 623
You have to maintain your focus on sobriety, no feeling lasts forever, and little steps, each hour at a time, will slowly help you mend...I know how you feel, its horrible, you feel you will never get over this black time, you will. Walk, post on here, watch a dvd, just look after yourself, and your body and mind will thank you x we are all here for you 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome....
thank you.
Your story helps me stay strong in my choice of sobriety at a time when I need those reminders.
You can do this.... harden your strongest PLAN ever. What will you do differently? What program will you work? What tools and support will you ensure are part of your recovery?
thank you.
Your story helps me stay strong in my choice of sobriety at a time when I need those reminders.
You can do this.... harden your strongest PLAN ever. What will you do differently? What program will you work? What tools and support will you ensure are part of your recovery?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NB canada
Posts: 57
I'm having a rough day today, so I am going to ramble a bit...
During my last binge, I didn't put a deposit on a trip my son has been looking forward to all year....I will have to sit him down tonight and explain he's not going with his classmates..one thing I have always really good at is judging other alcoholic parents.....at least I CARE about my child, he always comes first...yeah not so much the case these days....and he is going to be heart broken....mom can't fix it this time , in fact...it's her fault....
One of the things I'm going to struggle with the most I know, is finally being honest, not only with myself, but with other people.....when I drink, I am a master liar and manipulator.....
Two women came over this am and filled my fridge with healthy food and basically force fed me and then drove me to do errands as my anxiety is so high right now....so kind, and they have no idea I have been tearing them apart to people for the past couple of months, complaining about them, how they don't respect my personal space, they have no boundaries blah blah blah...to the point that other people have gotten a negative view on them, and believe everything I say....they have been trying to keep me functioning for the sake of my son basically, but I was furious that they were getting in the way of my drinking...so I have managed to turn many people against them...it's sick really how I treat people....
I also received a lovely letter in the mail from a friend who's away right now....four pages that he took the time to sit down and write and commend me on being sober.." what are the positive reasons? none of us know, as this is the first time you've made an effort. what I DO know, and others know, is that your heart and mind have always been attractive. Which is the answer to your question as to why myself and others continue to reach out. Free from your demons, there is so much room for all the right kinds of things and people in your life. I am rooting for you, and know there are so many possibilities in your sober future. Continue to strive, and the striving will get easier. You have help, because you are making an effort. As long as you continue to work honestly on your healing, then you will heal."............this person has no idea that the last time we had a coffee....I bold faced lied to his face when he offered to stay and keep me company to keep my mind off of drinking...said I had an appt and promptly went to a bar and drank my face off.
Sober me despises drunk me, and is ashamed at how easily I lie and take advantage of people...which in turn makes it hard not to drink. I have always dealt with shame and regret by drinking though, and am trying to break the cycle. I am letting myself cry and be aware that I am in the wrong...and to not escape from this by drinking, I won't get a buzz on to tell my son about the trip...nor will I call up my drinking friends to " get out of the house" " because I'm so stressed out...". I can't keep running away from all of this...but I'm really, really hating myself right now.
During my last binge, I didn't put a deposit on a trip my son has been looking forward to all year....I will have to sit him down tonight and explain he's not going with his classmates..one thing I have always really good at is judging other alcoholic parents.....at least I CARE about my child, he always comes first...yeah not so much the case these days....and he is going to be heart broken....mom can't fix it this time , in fact...it's her fault....
One of the things I'm going to struggle with the most I know, is finally being honest, not only with myself, but with other people.....when I drink, I am a master liar and manipulator.....
Two women came over this am and filled my fridge with healthy food and basically force fed me and then drove me to do errands as my anxiety is so high right now....so kind, and they have no idea I have been tearing them apart to people for the past couple of months, complaining about them, how they don't respect my personal space, they have no boundaries blah blah blah...to the point that other people have gotten a negative view on them, and believe everything I say....they have been trying to keep me functioning for the sake of my son basically, but I was furious that they were getting in the way of my drinking...so I have managed to turn many people against them...it's sick really how I treat people....
I also received a lovely letter in the mail from a friend who's away right now....four pages that he took the time to sit down and write and commend me on being sober.." what are the positive reasons? none of us know, as this is the first time you've made an effort. what I DO know, and others know, is that your heart and mind have always been attractive. Which is the answer to your question as to why myself and others continue to reach out. Free from your demons, there is so much room for all the right kinds of things and people in your life. I am rooting for you, and know there are so many possibilities in your sober future. Continue to strive, and the striving will get easier. You have help, because you are making an effort. As long as you continue to work honestly on your healing, then you will heal."............this person has no idea that the last time we had a coffee....I bold faced lied to his face when he offered to stay and keep me company to keep my mind off of drinking...said I had an appt and promptly went to a bar and drank my face off.
Sober me despises drunk me, and is ashamed at how easily I lie and take advantage of people...which in turn makes it hard not to drink. I have always dealt with shame and regret by drinking though, and am trying to break the cycle. I am letting myself cry and be aware that I am in the wrong...and to not escape from this by drinking, I won't get a buzz on to tell my son about the trip...nor will I call up my drinking friends to " get out of the house" " because I'm so stressed out...". I can't keep running away from all of this...but I'm really, really hating myself right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
hell yeah....
sounds to me like you have a lot of support and faith in you on your side.
Here's an idea; give up the beating-yourself-up and join with those others...
give yourself SUPPORT and FAITH in you.
try it for a week.... can't hurt.
sounds to me like you have a lot of support and faith in you on your side.
Here's an idea; give up the beating-yourself-up and join with those others...
give yourself SUPPORT and FAITH in you.
try it for a week.... can't hurt.
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