A Concern
 

I have a concern that maybe some of you have experience with and can give me some insight. I'm finding it extremely difficult to talk to my spouse about my urges for alcohol. Every time he asks if I'm "OK" I always respond "Sure, no problems!" even though I've been battling with some crazy urges all day long. Some days I might have an extremely hard day just because I had to go to the grocery store where they sell wine, to the point where I damn near have a meltdown in the parking lot. But, when he comes home he has no idea of this. I act like everything is totally cool.

Some background: During my alcoholism I hid my alcohol from my husband. I'd been doing this for several years. Even before we got married. Whether it be hiding wine in the laundry basket or taking sips of his whiskey stash and then replacing it when it got too empty. Sometimes he'd find an empty bottle and confront me about it, and I'd tell him I'd quit, but I never did. Finally he told me he'd divorce me if I didn't quit. So onward to recovery I went. I really wanted to quit anyway and was sort of relieved that he finally found out how bad it was. This is the simplified version. The extended version was actually quite traumatic for us both.

The reason I feel so uncomfortable talking to him about my urges is because 1. I'm afraid it'll stress him out 2. I don't want him to get angry 3. I don't want him to control some aspect of my life (i.e. taking my money away or my car keys). He very much likes to fix things, but I don't want to be fixed by him. I'm finding effective ways to stay sober and deal with these urges through AA and SMART recovery and here. I just feel like once again there is another side of me that he doesn't see. Like I'm hiding something from him all over again.

Thanks

I really really respect you for this post and your honesty. I come from his position in my marriage which just ended, but that's another story. My husband hid it from me. When I asked if he was OK I just generally meant are you drinking, are you ok to drive, that type of thing.

What I told him is this and I think it applies in your case too. As a spouse, and you have hinted yours is codependent as I have been, we are just too close to the situation to hear all of your thoughts and feelings about this because it will trigger ours and then we are all a mess. This is why one needs a sponsor who can understand. I told my husband that while I will always encourage him, I cannot be the one he comes to for those type of things.

It would also likely help your spouse to go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or a program to get support for the codependency also.

If this applies to you, I am betting you could say the same and he would get it. I hope you have a sponsor who can support you during your times of need that you need understanding. I wish you success with your recovery!




Good Luck and God Bless!

I think that is why being here is so helpful, as loving and supportive as my husband is, he is still a spectator. It is kind of like the difference between being a fan of a basketball team in the stands rooting for the team, and being a member of the team, sweating on the floor, getting your game jersey dirty. As much as we are vested in the same goal, we are in different spots. That's why being here is so helpful, I feel like I am among my sweaty peeps gettin' it done! :)

Practice these phrases:

I am addicted to alcohol and I think about it frequently, but I am working hard to remain sober.

I appreciate that you want to try to fix this for me, but you can't fix my addiction. I have to work on that alone. I am sure that is frustrating for you. Maybe you should consider attending an alanon meeting to get some tips from other spouses of alcoholics.

Hi Lulu, I'm in a similar position to you. I was, at times, screaming for alcohol but on the outside serene and calm, a bit like a swan.
My husband said I could talk to him when I told him I come here but when I try to start to explain he doesn't really want to know or doesn't understand, not sure which.

So, I vent frustrations out here or reD posts which are familiar to me and, in a way, feel comforted I'm not on my own.

I'm a few months down the line and it is getting easier but sometimes the cravings and madness enters my head but I'm learning to go through the feelings. I'm sure it will get better for you too.

In my experience its been a big help to have a spouse on board even though you might find it embarrassing. I feel terrible that mine has tried to help so many times and I end up walking in the door wasted again. I guess its just one of my reasons i need sobriety so I can stop hurting those who would do anything for me.

well said, jaynie04

IDK - my wife is my rock, my inspiration, my comfort and my friend. Sometimes I say "I want a drink, tell me I'm I dumb dumb". There are many variants, but you all get the idea. We've been together going on twenty one tears, and it is important for her to understand my "tells". Do it enough, like I do, and he may on his own offer you some herbal tea if he sees you fidget like my wife does. Sometimes I get caught in a gaze, and she brings me back to earth by talking about stuff that get me riled up (the new bag she bought) but gets me off the drink thought. Even sometimes she will figure out nocturnal activities to completely shake the thought :a213: The point: my wife is my partner, in sickness and in health. She is so in tuned with me, as any spouse can be, that it is like we both fight the disease together in normal course and not in fire drill mode.

And in all this, she has her wine when she feels it, and her scotch when it calls her. Life moves on, trust me, just take alcohol off its pedestal.

Yes.

Marriage was never meant to be a relationship in which one's partner is therapist, lover, best friend, co-parent, confidante, rabbi, priest, buddy, sex toy and mommy or daddy to the other. I've learned that there are many people who believe that if they don't live up to the expectations of one or more of these assumed roles that they are either doing something wrong or are failing in their relationships. Or that there's something wrong with them. Despite what I believe to be a social fallacy, no one person can fulfill all the needs of their partner.

One of the trademarks in healthy relationships is the existence and maintenance of other interpersonal relationships that fulfill one or more of the many needs that one's partner is simply incapable of meeting, through no fault of their own. Some of these "relationships" are simply activities that are not shared with one's spouse, and which may or may not involve interacting with other people.

A lot of folks disagree with this, and many are threatened by extra-marital relationships, even when those relationships make for a happier marriage. I'm not at all talking about having an affair, which typically is a red flag that there are some serious, unresolved problems in the relationship. I'm talking about living independently within a relationship.

For me, the relative health of my relationships mirrors my own individual health as a human being. This is only a part of the reasoning that goes into the suggestion in AA not to make any major changes in early recovery, neither severing existing relationships nor initiating new ones of the romantic variety. Our psychopathology and other issues are reliably thrown into sharp relief and come to full bloom in our relationships with other people, and we ignore this information at our own peril.

Beautifully described. Thank you. So many people project all of their wishes, expectations, needs, sources of happiness and desire for meaningful interaction into one interpersonal connection, one relationship. I feel (and most of my life experiences so far support this) that it's utterly unrealistic.

For example, I consider myself bisexual. No need to get into how all of my interests cannot be found in one single person. And right now I'm in a quite satisfying relationship with a girlfriend, but I can't talk with her about my alcohol problems much. It does not mean that we don't have a good relationship, at all. There are just different points of focus and this even changes in time.

Please don't view a relationship as flawed just because it cannot bridge everything!

Thanks Endgame, now I'm all depressed and $hit.... Kidding! Thanks for the informative post. For the OP, my situation is different but if I want to talk about my cravings, my H is not the one to do it with. I'll say, don't you miss drinking, H says NO. End of conversation. Oh well, I come here and talk about it. Praying for you Sweetie.

I also hid my drinking from my husband, as much as possible. And, like you, I rarely spoke to him about my feelings in early recovery. And, I disagree with you thinking that means that you are, yet again, hiding something. It's really hard to understand addiction unless you've been there, which is why we find comfort here. You are doing the right thing by finding ways to deal with your urges that work for you.