messed up
 

Made it to 43 days. Now drinking again. Can't believe I'm actually sharing this. Feel like I let down all the people on SR that has been helping me. To be honest, I had a feeling this day was coming. Everything that helped me to stay sober, going to AA, posting/reading on SR, reminding myself what a mess I was and how much work it took me to get this far, and realizing how much better things are now, just seemed to be slowly losing its effectiveness. Don't know why. People on this forum always say that something must be missing for someone to pick up again, but I don't know what that can be. I have managed in the past to drink for one or two days, than quit, but this is rare. Usually, I end up blowing a week or two. I'd rather be dead than go through that again. Most of the time, I don't share with people if I am not doing well. My experience with this is that most of the time, people really don't want to hear it, don't care, or think I am making a big thing out of nothing. No offense to AA, I think it is a fantastic organization, but I've shared my concerns there and it rarely helps. The typical answer is that I have to try harder, or there is just silence. So here I am sharing this news with all of you. Hope everybody is doing well. Take care.:react

Hey 2much :)
I don;t feel let down - I know first hand how hard it is.

I think this is your big red X marks the spot.

I was never good at asking for help either - I thought I was a burden, a pain, a nuisance....and that was borne out to me a few times when I tried to reach out and got nothing back.

I realise now either I was reaching out to the wrong people, or I was expecting too much from them.
I wanted/expected ppl to fix me - and that's my job, really, with their help - not the other around.

I dunno what your experience is but I'm sure you can identify with at least of those?

I really believe you can do this 2 much.
Pull out of this dive before it gets too dark and deep.

Dump whatever booze you have left and talk to us :)

D

Aww you did not let us down.

So, a couple of things. One thing - you say people don't care when you share with them that you are not doing well so you don't bother. Do they actually say this to you? Do you have some expectation when you talk to them and they don't meet it (I'm learning to lower my expectations, myself). Is this your perception or reality? Do you assume they don't want to hear it?

Do you call someone when you are going to pick up a drink? What I did differently when I wanted to pick up last time was call three people, the last being my sponsor and drove straight to a meeting. I had to be honest and just tell them that I wanted to drink.

Do you have a sponsor and are you working the steps?

btw - 43 days is incredible. You can do this if you pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and keep talking to us and others.

Sweetie, you pick up again because you are an alcoholic. We all are. There are very, very few of us who maintained sobriety on the first try. The good thing is though, that we kept climbing back on that wagon each time we fell off. Here you are doing the same thing. Climb back up here; we saved your seat. :)

Your a brave, honest, courageous person for posting . . . you've let no one down!! :)

As Dee says, share with us, we want to listen . . . hell I'll stay up all night to see a fellow member make it through!!

SR is here for the good and the rough times!! :ring

Keep trying.

There is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy...

Sorry you are struggling.

Have you got phone numbers from the meetings?If you have call someone before you pick up a drink.Have you got a sponsor yet? If you haven't ask for one.

43 days is amazing,start again,you will get there.

Wishing you well.

I messed up too. this was my 5th day and I couldnt take it anymore. I feel for ya. Tomorrow is a new day.

Hop back on The Wagon, 2muchpain; it is headed to some really amazing places.

Sorry to hear it 2B but glad you shared with us. Really don't want you to suffer again. You don't have to. You are stronger than that and have us on your side. No matter what, please keep posting..... for yourself, and for us.

I guess part of my problem is that I have always been the go to person if someone has a problem. I was the together person that could come up with solutions to other peoples problems. After a while, I got tired of this, and would talk to them about some things I was dealing with. They appeared bored, and found some reason to leave. That hurt, and I knew two things. One, they really didn't care about me and two, I was on my own. Yes, I expected them to give me some time also, but I was wrong. My expectations were not realistic. I don't blame them. They found a sounding board and took advantage of it. Makes sense to me. My career, before I moved on was to fix other peoples' problems, and I was good at it. A lot of peoples lives improved because of the work I put into it. I have spent most of my life helping others to improve their lives. Some came back and thanked me for what I did for them, and although I didn't think I did much, it was nice to hear. Although I know I am wrong in thinking this, but maybe there is a part of me that feels I deserve something after all the years I gave to others. I know I'm wrong because I never once expected anybody I helped to repay me in any way. In fact, if someone did, I would tell them they owe me nothing. I did it because it was the right thing to do. I think I'm beginning to feel sorry for myself which I know is not a good place to be. D helped me with that. I am truly happy to be me, and am grateful for many things. I have really nothing to complain about. Life is good.

Some times even the healers need to be healed 2much.

Addiction for me was like a vast black sea on a moonless night.

I needed someone on the shore, someone with a different perspective, to help guide me into safe harbour.

The way I see it now, I was on the shore in relation to other people, and I could help guide them in...but I had no perspective on my own situation.

I needed help.

D

I'm sorry you are in a funk 2much. We've all been there. Tomorrow is a new day. Hang in there and don't give up.
Wishing you well,
Malcolm

2 much,

A hug for you.

You are one of us and we are with ya!

Come on back and try again. You can do it. You proved it before.

http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g1...ps4e522861.jpg

You haven't let anyone down, it takes guts to be here and be honest. I understand what you mean about being ok taking care of other people but finding it hard to find someone to go to when you need help.

I think alcohol used to help me bridge the gap between the capable illusion I imagined I presented and the hot mess I was underneath. I think that is why so much has to change apart from just quitting drinking, some relationships need to rebuilt and some don't work anymore. I have made it a point to try to be authentic as much as possible, learning to say no is hard, but the short term anxiety is bearable, much more bearable to the long term angst and resentment that come from being drained.

And I do believe we often indicate to others how to treat us. I think that you have realized something very important. My old therapist used to tell me that I wasn't being fair to people because I wasn't really giving them a full set of operating instructions.

This may be a short term blip (please make it that), but it is obvious that the wheels are turning and that you are doing a lot of important soul searching. Asking for help here hopefully will be the beginning of a beautiful thing for you!

^^^me in a nutshell. I am exactly the same way. Always there for everyone. Even when I first used AA when I quit there I was a newbie helping others when I was struggling myself. I find myself coming to the same conclusion as you. But, let's both remember that our friends here at SR are here for us and no one expects anything other than to support us when we need it.

I'm a year and 7 months living sober...join me. We can do this. Even if the only people who will be "there" for us are virtual - the people here are better friends to me than many in my regular life and I've never met a single person in the real world. Heck, this place IS my real world a lot of the time :):thanks for sharing. You helped me tonight :)

Not sure if this helps you, but some of us in my rehab group (including myself) relapsed and quickly came clean with the therapists and the group. My therapists called this a "recovery relapse."

Being honest with people about drinking/using again, and exploring why you did it and how to change it next time is what they look for people in recovery to do after a relapse. Lying about the relapse, hiding it, holding your feelings in, and continuing the behavior is the kind of relapse you do not want (and the kind I had many months ago that eventually landed me in rehab!).

I am proud of you for telling all of us. I hope you can talk to people in your life outside of SR to help you through it.

:hug: You did it before, you can do it again, and better this time. Get back on the wagon and hang on for dear life. :hug:

Good stuff GE and H!! There is a very pretty girl behind that mustache :)

Take suggestions 2much :)