BruceSA

Hello Friends,

Starting to feel itchy somehow. Recovery is going very well, though, and I haven’t had any cravings or climbing up the wall stuff. Physical symptoms have long since gone, but yet I’m feeling a bit restless. I’ve been into a number of bottlestores now to get cigarettes, wood for a braai, etc and I feel literally nothing, like the shop is selling umbrellas or potted plants.

I’ve been thinking that for the last 36 days or so, I’ve read about, thought about, heard about etc the word “alcohol” just a few too many times. I think I’ve become figuratively saturated with it. I’m getting a bit cheesed off I think. I want to get out of this cocoon and start living a normal recovering alcoholic life – whatever that is? Please don’t get me wrong here, I’m extremely grateful to have got this far relatively unscathed, it’s just something is gnawing at me.

I know I’ll always be different when it comes to alcohol, and I have an illness that is perhaps in remission (don’t know the right word here), but I know I will have it bubbling underneath for the rest of my life and it will kill me if it gets the chance. But when does that life start? I feel like I’ve overdosed on alcohol issues and want to give it a break. I also realise that I am very new to sobriety and need to watch myself carefully. Any sign of danger and the hermit crab will be back in his shell.

I don’t think this is inviting remission or playing with plutonium, I know the dangers and am well aware of the consequences. I’m just “gatvol” of being in an alcohol environment for the moment. Don’t know if this makes sense? Maybe it’s like an artist who works all day creating art but doesn’t feel inspired when they get home because they have been at it all day.

I’m not turning my back on SR or anything else by any means, I just think I need a slightly different focus and emphasis in my life for a little bit. I am deeply grateful for all the support here and will still be around, except maybe in a slightly less “concentrated” format for a while.

I have to go away for a week or maybe more tomorrow again and let’s see how things are cooking when I get back home? I’m very confident that I can navigate through the temptations of mega-heavy drinking associates in South East Asia and I learnt a lot the last time.

I’m actually looking forward to this trip and have been planning to do a bit of travelling to some remote coastal areas over a week-end whilst I’m there, or maybe next time. Taking my survival kit, as well as my recovery song, some prints of inspiring SR posts and photostats of Step 1, etc, as usual.
See you soon. Keep sober, warm and safe.

Any ideas / thoughts / experiences, please?

Everything’s gonna be all right. Rockabye.

Bruce.

GracieLou

Are you in a recovery program such as AA? If so it sounds like it is time for you to get active in that program.

Action is the key. Sounds like it is time to get busy.

It is not time to take a break, it is time to dig in

doggonecarl

I think it's perfectly normal to feel that "alcohol" is dominating your recovery in the early days of sobriety.

My thoughts? It should.

You have 36 days sobriety. Don't be so "saturated" with the environment of recovery that you turn your back on it. I have seen a lot of posts that read like yours...if the posters come back, it's rarely to surprise us with their continued success. It's usually to tell us they are right back where they were when they were drinking.

Hope that isn't the case for you. Good luck.

seahorse661

I completely get it; I felt that way after about 3 months, that I just wanted one day to go by without feeing like my whole life was about recovery. But I had learned through previous attempts that, for me, it's a dangerous way of thinking. It soon becomes not focusing on recovery at all, missing meetings and I know what's at the end of that road.

Recovery can't be the only thing you focus on, but it should be a priority.

Take care...

matt4x4

Yeah either god is, or isnt. Either work the AA program, or not.

Dee74

There's some good advice here Bruce.

Honestly I think you'd be thinking about alcohol at 36 days whether you were here or not.
I certainly did.

It worries me a bit that you're contemplating cutting yourself off from support before another trip away.

Make sure this isn't some self sabotage, ok?

D

GreenEggsAndHam

Hi Bruce

I can only tell you my personal experience:

I felt the same exact way several months ago after about 21 days of sobriety. I felt that this recovery forum, my monthly thread I was participating in here, AA, etc. was making me think way too much about alcohol. I was pretty much over drinking, didn't feel any temptations, and ready to just move on with life without all these reminders of drinking.

So I left everything and I started drinking again shortly after. I think my "relapse" lasted at least 7 months and ended with me in rehab and back here, in AA, and with therapists.

I'm at about 30 days now and don't feel tired of hearing about alcohol at all this time. All of these recovery methods are what I need to keep me strong and remind me why I'm not drinking.

You may just need a break, but watch out for that tricky AV and really check your reasons as to why you feel the way you do. Good luck to you!

BruceSA

Thanks, everyone, for your responses, I greatly appreciate them.

I have read them carefully and have been thinking about them. Printing this topic to take it to SEA with me as reference !

I have been to two different AA meetings, and somehow, it's just not really my cup of tea. I am planning on my return to try another couple to get a balanced idea of what happens and take it from there. I have bought a copy of the Big Book and have been working my way slowly through it.

I know it was pretty silly of me to post this topic here on a site that is dedicated to sobriety - looks like I'm going against the grain, but I somehow don't think I am. And perhaps this is not what others in any stage of recovery want to see someone else doing?

My resolve is strong - stronger than it's ever been and I appreciate your concerns. My intention is not to turn my back completely on my focus on recovery, but to get a hint that "there's other stuff out there". Slowly but surely.

I will continue on SR and am looking forward to reviving this post every anniversary on 27th of each month, with good news.

At the first sign of trouble, I will be back in my shell.

Many thanks again, I appreciate your feedback and valuable pointers.

Will be back in just over a week, maybe a bit longer, depending on work.

All the best in sobriety,

Bruce.

Dee74

In the end you have to plot your own journey Bruce. Best wishes.
You know where we are - see you in a week or so
D

BruceSA

Thank you Dee.

I'll see you in a week or so,

B.

yeahgr8

I've got a sponsee who I have just taken on from another sponsor. He booked a holiday for a few days when he was with his old sponsor, he will be about 50 days since his last drink by the time he goes.

Is this a good idea for him? No of course it isn't a child could tell him that!

So, as anyone with any sanity at all would advise, why doesn't he do the work on himself necessary to change then go on hold in x number if months? Answer is because he thinks he still knows better and, even though there is a huuuuuge amount of evidence through his own personal experiences that this is not a good idea his insanity looks like it will prevail. So he will either take a drink or not and I'm not his mother so I'm not going to keep telling him to have a careful think about going or not.

GracieLou

You are not going against the grain and in fact are doing exactly what you should do.

When I get the squirrley feelings I have learned I have to reach out and that is what you did. Remember a problem shared is a problem split in half.

I used to think that if I tossed an idea around long enough I could solve the issue or problem I was having but that only took me back to drinking because it was the only way I knew to solve my problems or at least ignore them for a while.

Now I call people, go to meetings and reach out to find those answers. Open to suggestions and the willingness to get help from others was a key factor in my recovery.

Never, ever be afraid to reach out and ask for some help or bounce a problem off someone. I can tell you that in the last year there has not been one time that after I did reach out that I regretted it, not once. I always felt better and got some clues to what was going on with me.

I had NO idea how to be sober, NONE. I had to learn how to live a sober life and by taking suggestions and then applying them is the reason I am here today.

jdooner

Sounds to me like your heading towards a relapse. Mentally you are preparing yourself to drink. Your special and will always have a unique relationship with alcohol. Your basically saying (reading between the lines) that your good at 36 days in (guessing you drank longer than 36 days to get here) and so your going to surround yourself in SEA with heavy drinkers in a business setting.

To me this is you gearing up to drink again - hope I am wrong. Don't be too proud to check in from SEA and let us know how your doing. SR is a great life raft.

LadyinBC

When I was about 3 - 4 months I took a break a 2 week break because all my time had been spent at daytox, AA meetings, SMART, WFS, etc. and I felt overloaded with so much information.

When I went back to the meetings again I realized how much I really missed and needed them. It kind of re-enforced for me that I needed something so that I could keep working on myself.

My thought would be just to keep yourself in check and look out for that stinky thinking. And you are smart for taking a survival kit with you.

Have a great time and please check in with us when you get back.

LBrain

Well chap, sounds like you got it figured out...

you seem like the kind of guy who has one or them thar newfangled computer type phone thingies, I'm sure there is wifi where you're going to be. SR is just a click away.

Look ahead of time where you can find an AA meeting whether you like them or not. The old saying, "Any port in a storm" applies here. AAers will be glad to help no matter where you are or where you are from.

Go with ammo. You may not have to use it. But it's there if you need it.
I keep 2 fire extinguishers in my house. Never used them. But I still check them to make sure they're in good working order.

DrunkTx

Man o man - I totally get it Bruce. I quit in November 2+ years ago, and somewhere around week three, I got over the singular focus on alcohol. Doesn't mean I didn't respect alcohol, doesn't mean I didn't read SR, doesn't mean I didn't post every now and then. What it did mean was that I realized that drunk thinking idolizes alcohol, and I wasn't going to let it continue to rent the space in my brain. I hate alcohol, it is evil. But I also refused to let it win by consuming my thoughts. My only counsel: to they own self be true. If you are wavering, get help. If you are craving, come read. If you think you have kicked it, know you didn't. Otherwise: sober living is the best thing in the whole world - go experience it. Don't let alcohol occupy any more thought than it has to.

Be safe, be sober...

BruceSA

Thanks LB.
My phone is paraffin driven and was probably used by Noah, so it's going to be wifi from site.

DT, you summarised it perfectly, wish I had your wordsmith skills!





These trips are certainly not some arbitrary carefree holiday, lounging around under a palm tree – it’s part of the way I make my living: it’s my business, my livelihood. And believe me, they make sure they get their pound of flesh off you. So whether it’s a good idea or not, I don’t have much of a choice unless I sell my business shares?



I’m not sure how this bit relates to the questions I asked? Can you elaborate, please? You make reference to being a sponsor so I assume you are with AA? If so, is this the approach that is typically adopted by sponsors in AA ? I’ve only been to two different sessions and I plan to try a few others when my body clock adjusts to being on home-time, although it’s only 6 hours difference it plays havoc with me for a few days after getting home.

Thanks,

Bruce.

BruceSA

I appreciate your concern about a relapse. That’s exactly the reason why I planned this carefully and took precautions. If you’re interested, have a look at the posts I wrote around the previous trip and the culture of drinking there and the “fit in or push off” attitude they have. It’s not a business trip where you spend hours every day wheeling and dealing in dark smoky rooms and toasting each deal. I expect to be on site typically 14 hours a day – over the weekend a few additional hours - outside, inside, climbing all over the place (and it’s big!). Sure there were a couple of benders that I attended and there will probably be this time but I stuck to my guns and drank water. I should probably have mixed some alcohol with the water to kill the bugs [An attempt at humour, not suggesting a subliminal trigger to drink].

I’m not saying I’m “good” (implying ready to kick up everything and leave ? ) at 36 days. I’m saying I want to look at the definition of a few other words in the dictionary, not exclusively chapter and verse on the word alcohol. Widen my scope just a teeny tiny bit.

Honestly, if I wanted to drink, I wouldn’t mess around wasting time planning it, I would simply do it?

At home it’s less than a 5 minute ride to the bottlestore and hey presto, you can quench your desires to your heart’s content.

5 minutes between me and oblivion. I know that.

I haven’t done it and I don’t intend to do it. Not ever.

And being part of SR is part of my plan.

Thanks for your concern, I do appreciate it and it's top of mind.

Bruce.

yeahgr8

I didn't get that the trip was for business from your original post. I thought you were asking for advice on whether to go away in very early sobriety not what you should take with you. In that case my suggestion is portable DVD player with DVDs or tablet with pre-downloaded films on it.

You are right I am in AA and sponsoring this guy who is doing the work and all he can to recover from alcoholism. Before he came to AA he stated dry for months at a time but after time his life seemed so boring, wretched and miserable that he might as well take a drink. He's always tried to get sober his way and not listening to others hence why get a little concerned when people with just a few months in AA are making huge personal decisions.

Hope your trip is fun as well as for work:-)

BruceSA

Thanks Yeahgr8,

I understand your point now, appreciate the response.

Tomorrow I start in earnest, there's not much time for sightseeing currently, these guys know the meter's running and keep my nose to the grindstone!

I'm going to try out a few more AA's when I get home, I don't really have a chance to check them out here.

Thank you again and looking forward to coming home. Next time I think I'm going to bring my wife along (and leave the credit cards at home "accidentally" )

Cheers,

Bruce.