Mrrryah1

These last couple days have been tough. I’ve been obsessing about alcohol quite a bit. I’m finding my mind is extremely “noisy” right now. Lots of stuff going on up there, lots of negative self talk and crazy thinking. It’s like my brain is moving so fast and in so many different directions that I can’t even keep up with it. Sometimes I just want to drink so that I can slow it down and/or shut it off for a little while. I know, even in that moment, that drinking won’t help anything long term, but when I feel like I’m losing all control of my sanity, sometimes all of the consequences and the risks that I’m taking by picking up just don’t matter that much anymore. All that matters if the temporary relief that I know drinking WILL bring me. I usually just decide that I will just deal with the consequences when they come up…. But the desire for temporary relief overrides the desire to avoid consequences or harm that drinking will bring. Just for that moment. And that’s the moment that I pick up.

Anyways – with all this brain noise - I don’t know if I should be medicated again (I stopped taking all of my anti anxiety/depression meds about 6 weeks ago) or if this is just early sobriety stuff that will eventually dissipate. Hopefully the latter. I don’t like meds (unless they give me some sort of pleasurable effect – in which case I LOVE meds – lol).

So - I was strongly thinking about picking up wine last night, but I went into the SR chat room instead. Upquark (SR user) really helped me, by asking me questions like “why do you want to be sober” and “on what days are you the happiest”. White knuckling it, I answered the questions, but giving those questions my thought for a minute was a good enough reminder as to why I’m doing this, and how I want my life to be. It helped me hold on through that obsessive mind state. I’m not going to lie – the obsession didn’t go away. I struggled all evening. But I held on.

And I’m glad I did. I don’t like waking up feeling hungover and guilty. I woke up still feeling crazy. I still do. But at least I’m not crazy AND hungover.

But when it comes down to it – I think the SR chat might have saved me from a relapse last night  And especially Up – so thanks – if you read this!!! 

Have a great 24 everyone!

2muchpain

Congratulations on 8 days!!!! The first week is really tough. Should get easier for you from now on. Do you mind if I ask why you quit taking the medication for your anxiety? Quitting meds and alcohol at about the same time sounds kinda rough. I'm on meds for anxiety and depression and never thought about quitting them, but everyone is different. Hope the next week goes better for you!!!!!!

Mrrryah1

Well, I was experiencing some less than pleasurable side effects and having difficulty taking them responsibly. So, I moved, and my spouse packed away my meds somewhere and we couldn't find them after the move, so I didn't take them for a few days. Rather than re-schedule a Dr. Appointment and get a new prescription, I basically just decided to say screw it... and stopped taking them. I had been on them for almost 2 years consecutive, and all of a sudden I could feel again. I was crying, laughing, feeling all of these emotions that I hadn't been feeling for so long. And even though some of it was negative, I was just happy to feel again. And happy for the side effects to go away. So now I'd really like to avoid going back on them if I can.

KateL

You're doing great xxxx

SoberLeigh

8 Days; great job, Mrrryah; your thoughts and emotions will likely fall into place but it does take time.

huntingtontx

Good job on eight days. I think most of have a lot to deal with in mind noise when we quit. We have to deal with all the emotions we have been pouring alcohol on. It does get better. Don't pick up the first drink, no matter what. I am glad up was there to help you. Sr is such a supportive place to come. I truly believe we can all do this, one day at a time. I am very proud of you.

deeker

Mrrryah1 it is so great that you came to SR and went into the chat room. That is exactly
what you needed to do. You just showed how SR can really help.

So many people come into SR and then the day they really need SR like the day they are
craving they don't and then come back and tell us about their relapse.

If we don't use SR when we really need it, then why are we here.

It took so much strength on your part to talk it out with someone here.. And shows that
deep down you really do not want to go back there.

Mrrryah1

You’re right Deeker – I don’t want to go back there. But I’m not optimistic that I’m not going to encounter another headspace where the desire for temporary relief is greater than the desire to stay sober. Sure, I might have tried & stayed sober last night, but I’ve also had plenty of nights in the past where I did try talking to another alcoholic/addict, I did go to a meeting, I did pray, and still I felt like I was going insane, and still the desire for the relief won out and I picked up.

So I guess I can be proud of my night, but I still feel hopeless and discouraged.

I’m just hoping right now that if I can hang on – white knuckle – through the first couple months, then my mind will start to calm down a little bit and this will stop happening to me.

I’m still scared, I guess, is what I’m trying to say, and doubtful. But thank you for your kind words of encouragement. <3

Dee74

Hi Myrrrah

I'm glad you got through last night

I guess the answer is whatever you deem it to be for you, but for me I'd rather be on prescribed meds than risk trying to fix my head with a drink?

D

LBrain

Congrats Myyyyyyyyrah! Being scared is good. It's when you think nothing of it, then it's time to worry. Stay strong.