I've been following this forum for probably a year or so but I've never actually posted anything. I've just read stories, rather they were success, semi-failure, whatever. Today is the day that I become part of this family.
My hands are shaking and my eyes are watering up just getting the courage to post this. I am at rock bottom right now. I've lost almost [everything] to this addiction; most importantly my self. And right after that, the love of my life. Though I am confident I will have her back one day.
For the passed 3 1/2 years I've been lying to myself. I've been telling myself that I don't have an addiction, I'm ok, etc.. While the people around me have noticed me turning into this "cold" and "one track minded" person. Especially my fiancÚ, who now wants me to work on myself before we are ever back together. Which is fair. Because my addiction is not fair to her, our family, nothing.
I have a torn miniscus in my right knee and that's when it started. I never went in asking for the pills; I was just given them. The prescriptions flowed like wine. After awhile I noticed it started to feel better and better. So, hey, one more or two more a day couldn't hurt. Then in later 2012 I was hit by a bus in my car that displaced discs in my spine. So, more prescriptions, more prescriptions. It has gotten to the point that I take so many, even though I am somewhat clear headed, my body barely comes down from the high. And when it did, I popped another pill. I'd take a handful everywhere; even when I didn't [need] them.
When I was being seen for me knee it was 40, 10mG norco's. Started off fine, then would end up running out in 20 days, then 15, then 10. Bus accident happens and it's 7.5mG norco's, but 120. Started out 20 days, then 15, now I can run through that many in 7-8 days.
Today, I flushed them all down the toilet. At 11:50AM (2 hours away) I am going to my personal doctor to break down, admit what's going on, and get help! I am SICK AND TIRED of being SICK AND TIRED. When my breakfast, lunch, and dinner come in pill form, there's a problem. A big problem. I have wasted so much time, energy, and thousands of dollars on my fixes between prescriptions that it's absurd.
And in being honest with myself; yeah my injuries are bad. But it's not something Tylenol or Aleve can't fix. A very close friend of mine who gave me some tough love yesterday told me that her and her husband (a military veteran) know people who are amputees who don't swallow as much medicine as I do. I've known her for almost a decade and she's one of the people that mentioned what a drastically different person I became.
I am 29-years-old and I do not want this life anymore. I want nothing to do with it. I've lost everything now, so that only means I have everything to gain back. Which has got to be my ray of hope. My sunshine in this darkest of times.
Thank you everyone for taking the time out to read this. TODAY starts a whole new me.
And I am really glad I finally decided to sign up here!