RiverFriendAgn

Hi all,

I've been posting here for a long time and like many others I am always teetering on the fence with my sobriety. I suck at it to be quite honest but my heart and soul so badly wants to be free of this addiction.

I went to a great mens AA meeting on Saturday morning and was feeling good. I enjoy it so much and it's a huge help though I do not have an actual sponsor. Anyway, yesterday we dedicated our new little one at our church service and had our friends/family/godparents over for pizza and beer. Well, of course I thought why not just a couple. And a couple turned into quite a few. I feel like I desecrated on a holy day for my new son. I have an RX for xanax which really helps when I am not drinking but ended up snorting 1mg of it while I was drunk late yesterday. This is a first for me and I haven't stuck anything up my nose since I quit doing dope some 10 years ago. I truly believe I wouldn't have abused my RX had I not been drunk.

I felt okay this morning, no hangover, remember everything, still took care of my kids (though trust me, my wife was there and sober the whole time so there was no chance the children were neglected...I am a good dad despite my struggles). I woke up this morning with shame, guilt, and fear for where I am heading if I don't seriously knock this s%$^ off. I asked my father if I did anything foolish and he said absolutely not, I was a good host and under control, a bit tipsy he said, but wasn't a mess or embarrassing myself. But he did say (and his mom died with a bottle in her lap) that for me he believes it's all or nothing.

I told my wife and closest friend that I had snorted some xanax.....I have to be honest with the people that care about me the most. While they understand, they are very worried as am I. I told my wife this morning that I have got to stop this once and for all and was literally in tears as I've struggled so hard. Make absolute resolutions only to fail within days or months. Anyway, suggestions. My dad says change environment...hard to do working in the music scene but my sobriety is more important though I haven't made those serious changes. I'm thinking about getting a real sponsor, close by in my hometown for some accountability and to continue meetings and check out Celebrate Recovery tomorrow night as well. I WANT TO STOP THIS NOW.

biminiblue

Well, it wasn't the music business that set you off. It was picking up that first drink.

I feel the way your Dad does. I can't have that first drink. I just can't.

Keep going back to meetings, sounds like a safe and healing place.

ScottFromWI

Those sound like great ideas to me. I'm not in AA, but to me it sounds like you haven't even accepted step 1 yet as you thought it would be OK to have "just a couple" at your party. Accepting that one cannot drink doesn't mean accepting that most of the time and still having a couple when you have a special celebration.

Getting a sponsor would definitely help in that area.

doggonecarl

Want to know what's not working? Being only a couple days sober and hosting a party with beer?

Take alcohol out of your sphere...at least until you get a good, solid base of sobriety under your belt.

Not sure what else to say. Make the changes that need to be made, or you are doomed to repeat the mistakes.

Dee74

When I got sober, for good I had to concentrate on three things Rvr

Finding the right support, using that support when I wanted to drink, and changing my life to reflect my commitment to recovery - my life was pretty drink sodden.

That was a great life for a drunk, but a terrible one for someone who wanted to be sober.

D