Hi, new here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 47
Hi, new here.
I hope this isn't a duplicate post. I composed a huge post and then my phone died.
I'm Claire. I'm a 38 year old woman in Australia. I'm a single mother of 2 boys and have a professional job.
I'm in despair. I've been in counselling for a year. I've tried AA. My counsellor is wonderful but even she admits she has nothing left in her toolbox for me. She suggests and offers me so much and everything she suggests, I nod thoughtfully and say "I'll try that" but I never do. She gives me worksheets on mindfulness etc etc and I just don't do them.
I've had a few alcohol free days in the last few weeks. No more than 4 in a row. I'm using antabuse to moderate. Yes I know antabuse shouldn't be used as a moderation tool and I know I'm kidding myself.
I'm drinking approx 2 bottles of wine a night. Sometimes less but not often. I am desperately scared about my health. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I do not like AA. I just don't know what I need to do for it to finally click that I CANNOT DRINK.
My boys have started to make comments about my drinking. They're 11 and 8. They don't deserve this and I want better for them.
I'm Claire. I'm a 38 year old woman in Australia. I'm a single mother of 2 boys and have a professional job.
I'm in despair. I've been in counselling for a year. I've tried AA. My counsellor is wonderful but even she admits she has nothing left in her toolbox for me. She suggests and offers me so much and everything she suggests, I nod thoughtfully and say "I'll try that" but I never do. She gives me worksheets on mindfulness etc etc and I just don't do them.
I've had a few alcohol free days in the last few weeks. No more than 4 in a row. I'm using antabuse to moderate. Yes I know antabuse shouldn't be used as a moderation tool and I know I'm kidding myself.
I'm drinking approx 2 bottles of wine a night. Sometimes less but not often. I am desperately scared about my health. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I do not like AA. I just don't know what I need to do for it to finally click that I CANNOT DRINK.
My boys have started to make comments about my drinking. They're 11 and 8. They don't deserve this and I want better for them.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi and welcome Claire.
You'll find a lot of support and ideas here. Hopefully you'll find something that clicks
Check out our March support thread too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-6-a-15.html
what do you think it is that keeps you drinking?
D
You'll find a lot of support and ideas here. Hopefully you'll find something that clicks
Check out our March support thread too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-6-a-15.html
what do you think it is that keeps you drinking?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 47
What keeps me drinking is instant gratification. I am so bored and restless all the time. Drinking gives me a few hours of relief. I feel festive and fun when I drink for the first few hours. I know intellectually that those few hours are not worth the following hours of guilt and remorse.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 643
Welcome Claire, another Aussie girl here! It is a real roller coaster and sometimes it throws you off but I keep hoping the ride will end and I can feel at peace without alcohol. I am 51 and had my first drink at 16. I would binge drink when growing up but there were lots of times I wouldn't drink for months. However the last 5 or so years it has become a regular thing, but the scariest thing for me is drinking and realising you have no off switch.
I have a 21 year old daughter who doesn't drink. She says she doesn't need to drink to have a good time, all her friends do though. I have tried over the years for her not to see me drunk but she' snot stupid. We as parents are meant to be the role model for our kids, and I can't go back and change the past. Your kids are still young enough for this not to affect them any more. Don't leave it as late as I did just because you said you were bored.
I hope you don't think this a lecture, it is not meant to be at all. I just want you to see the light earlier than I did. It's worth the battle, I'm sure your boys would think so xxx
I have a 21 year old daughter who doesn't drink. She says she doesn't need to drink to have a good time, all her friends do though. I have tried over the years for her not to see me drunk but she' snot stupid. We as parents are meant to be the role model for our kids, and I can't go back and change the past. Your kids are still young enough for this not to affect them any more. Don't leave it as late as I did just because you said you were bored.
I hope you don't think this a lecture, it is not meant to be at all. I just want you to see the light earlier than I did. It's worth the battle, I'm sure your boys would think so xxx
Teigan5
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 34
Hi Claire, I'm from Scotland and can totally relate to what you are saying about self medicating. For years I was doing the same as the alcohol gave me an escape every night, which was great. I have had many medical scares as a result though, I have only just woken up to the fact my mental health has been dramatically affected by using drink in this way. My anxiety and depression has been increased by the drink and also it has enabled me to disguise within myself the problems I have been having. The drink has allowed me to bury my head in the sand every night.
I have taken a couple of weeks off work to help me get on the road to recovery. I have been dry now for 5 days, which doesn't seem much, but it is a milestone step for me in the right direction.
I have recently started a new job, transferring onto a different contract with some of my friends. I am a lot more experienced than them, however I have coped the least. My drinking was almost doubling and was was continually making mistakes at work, unable to make simple decisions and work out problems I would before have found easy. I looked at my overall position and realised the drinking at night was really affecting my thought processes during the day. Because of this I was making more and more serious mistakes, getting myself into trouble and hence increasing vastly my anxiety and depression levels.
I woke up last Tuesday and decided this can't go on and I need help. As if I didn't I would loose everything from my job and eventually my relationship with my good wife. I haven't been doing myself or those around me any favours by not sorting myself out.
I have started to go to AA meetings and finding it very hard, but know I have to do this as can see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I want is to be the kind, loving and interesting person I used to be and could never have written this if I was still on the drink. I know 5 days does not seem long, however I am already starting to feel a little better inside as the days go on.
This sight has been a life saver for me as the support and understanding is so conforting.
You can do it. Please just think of how wonderful it would be to be living without drink and able to function "normally", normal as in the way you want to be within your inner self. I do hope you like myself are able to get through this.
You have already shown in your post this is something you need to do. What you see with your kids really hurts you, and by being kind to yourself you will in turn be kind to your kids. You probably feel a lot of guilt regarding the kids which is only natural and most importantly shows how much you care about them. Hold onto this as it shows you are a good person and worth saving from this awful disease.
I hope this helps you and sorry for the long post, but if we all help one another we in turn help ourselves to get through this and look forward to good times in the future.
Kind regards and stick in there girl as your already on the first step to getting free of this.
I have taken a couple of weeks off work to help me get on the road to recovery. I have been dry now for 5 days, which doesn't seem much, but it is a milestone step for me in the right direction.
I have recently started a new job, transferring onto a different contract with some of my friends. I am a lot more experienced than them, however I have coped the least. My drinking was almost doubling and was was continually making mistakes at work, unable to make simple decisions and work out problems I would before have found easy. I looked at my overall position and realised the drinking at night was really affecting my thought processes during the day. Because of this I was making more and more serious mistakes, getting myself into trouble and hence increasing vastly my anxiety and depression levels.
I woke up last Tuesday and decided this can't go on and I need help. As if I didn't I would loose everything from my job and eventually my relationship with my good wife. I haven't been doing myself or those around me any favours by not sorting myself out.
I have started to go to AA meetings and finding it very hard, but know I have to do this as can see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I want is to be the kind, loving and interesting person I used to be and could never have written this if I was still on the drink. I know 5 days does not seem long, however I am already starting to feel a little better inside as the days go on.
This sight has been a life saver for me as the support and understanding is so conforting.
You can do it. Please just think of how wonderful it would be to be living without drink and able to function "normally", normal as in the way you want to be within your inner self. I do hope you like myself are able to get through this.
You have already shown in your post this is something you need to do. What you see with your kids really hurts you, and by being kind to yourself you will in turn be kind to your kids. You probably feel a lot of guilt regarding the kids which is only natural and most importantly shows how much you care about them. Hold onto this as it shows you are a good person and worth saving from this awful disease.
I hope this helps you and sorry for the long post, but if we all help one another we in turn help ourselves to get through this and look forward to good times in the future.
Kind regards and stick in there girl as your already on the first step to getting free of this.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi Hopeful. Welcome to the site.
Congratulations on at least posting....I found this site invaluable for finding out more and feeling more empowered to make real changes in my life and deal with being an alcoholic.
Teigan5....5 days is huge, as is 4, Hopeful. I know it all seems insurmountable now, but day by day, those days add up. You only have to deal with one at a time.
I think the hardest thing in the beginning was filling in my drinking time...over time, that too changes and the nights stop feeling so empty without a drink, and you actually look forward to not drinking. It's all baby steps, concentrate on getting your health back and the benefits will come.
Congratulations on at least posting....I found this site invaluable for finding out more and feeling more empowered to make real changes in my life and deal with being an alcoholic.
Teigan5....5 days is huge, as is 4, Hopeful. I know it all seems insurmountable now, but day by day, those days add up. You only have to deal with one at a time.
I think the hardest thing in the beginning was filling in my drinking time...over time, that too changes and the nights stop feeling so empty without a drink, and you actually look forward to not drinking. It's all baby steps, concentrate on getting your health back and the benefits will come.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi Claire. I see your join date is in 2012, but you only posted once back then? Please try to come here if you are having cravings...I know you have tried lots of things...but if you could just give it a shot and try to hang around here for a bit.
It can't hurt, can it?
You really will find support here. Share your thoughts and feelings...there are many here who have tried and failed, but finally it sticks. Please don't let past setbacks with sobriety define you! You are worth this!
It can't hurt, can it?
You really will find support here. Share your thoughts and feelings...there are many here who have tried and failed, but finally it sticks. Please don't let past setbacks with sobriety define you! You are worth this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by hopefulinAus 
She suggests and offers me so much and everything she suggests, I nod thoughtfully and say "I'll try that" but I never do.
until I was willing to do anything suggested so as to escape my condition
I never got onto a solid road to Recovery
you have a lot going for you
ones to love (many drunks and addicts will lose these in time)
today is a good day in which to make a real decision to stop
note
AA if given an ((honest chance)) has helped many
this board ((if used)) will also be of much help
MM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 385
Hi Claire,
I found it helped if I didn't tackle the whole issue of "never drink again". That was (and still is) a bit big for me to handle. What helped me start to string together sober days is just forgetting the big picture and not drinking "today". This I have found has helped me break the bad habit of drinking. I did alot of drinking purely from habit. I did get a few cravings early on but they were quite mild. YOu'll be surprised at how well you can do just by breaking the old habits!
As you have said you can manage the odd day without alcohol maybe you could try it along these lines.
Talk as much as you need on here. Hope it all goes well.
I found it helped if I didn't tackle the whole issue of "never drink again". That was (and still is) a bit big for me to handle. What helped me start to string together sober days is just forgetting the big picture and not drinking "today". This I have found has helped me break the bad habit of drinking. I did alot of drinking purely from habit. I did get a few cravings early on but they were quite mild. YOu'll be surprised at how well you can do just by breaking the old habits!
As you have said you can manage the odd day without alcohol maybe you could try it along these lines.
Talk as much as you need on here. Hope it all goes well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 47
Thank you Croissant.
I drank again. Bought 2 bottles, tipped out half of one in a feeble attempt at drinking less than usual.
Starting to feel I am actually in real trouble. I was fully aware of all the reasons why I could not and should not buy wine this afternoon yet I still went and did it.
Life without drinking for me feels like black and white tv, compared to full colour tv for everyone else.
Anyway thanks for asking. I'll try again tomorrow.
I drank again. Bought 2 bottles, tipped out half of one in a feeble attempt at drinking less than usual.
Starting to feel I am actually in real trouble. I was fully aware of all the reasons why I could not and should not buy wine this afternoon yet I still went and did it.
Life without drinking for me feels like black and white tv, compared to full colour tv for everyone else.
Anyway thanks for asking. I'll try again tomorrow.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Sorry to hear you've struggled. Don't forget we all have at times.
I think all of us have bought alcohol when deep down we didn't want to.
I remember early in my first attempt at sobriety I'd start to panic on the train, knowing I'd have to be head down tail up and get myself past my local liquor store on the way home. It was hard, very hard. But I could only get better at it by just doing it. Walk past it, when everything in my being "wanted" alcohol.
People here would say "play the tape forward" - drinking is more than that moment, it's tomorrow morning when you regret it...even later tonight when you go to bed all fuzzy and wonder why the hell did you do it.
What can you do when you get home to fill your time? And yes, life seems black and white without alcohol. That's because alcohol has squeezed all the colour and life out of your days. Slowly....life can be so much more than you think.
...and yes, that is true. It just takes time and practice...to uncover all the colour that really can be in your life.
Please stick around and think about it.
I think all of us have bought alcohol when deep down we didn't want to.
I remember early in my first attempt at sobriety I'd start to panic on the train, knowing I'd have to be head down tail up and get myself past my local liquor store on the way home. It was hard, very hard. But I could only get better at it by just doing it. Walk past it, when everything in my being "wanted" alcohol.
People here would say "play the tape forward" - drinking is more than that moment, it's tomorrow morning when you regret it...even later tonight when you go to bed all fuzzy and wonder why the hell did you do it.
What can you do when you get home to fill your time? And yes, life seems black and white without alcohol. That's because alcohol has squeezed all the colour and life out of your days. Slowly....life can be so much more than you think.
...and yes, that is true. It just takes time and practice...to uncover all the colour that really can be in your life.
Please stick around and think about it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Life without drinking for me feels like black and white tv, compared to full colour tv for everyone else.
It's a leap of faith to get sober, but it's not that risky cos you have so many people around you here who've done it, survived, and thrived
The first few weeks are not fun - I wont try and pretend otherwise - but generally the fear of what things will be like is way worse than the reality
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
I could not do it until I did it, and then I could do it because I was already doing it, and afterwards it seemed like I could have done it all that time but just wouldn't do it, because I was scared.
You have to get started someplace to start at all. It is much better to try and fail but have learned enough to try (and perhaps fail that time, too) again than to be stuck in that same track, going around and round and round.
Shoot for a full day sober, then add one more if you are feeling up to it. And maybe you aren't up to it. But you have one full day under your belt now. And then next time you shoot for a full day sober, and hopefully chain another day onto the back end of that first day, and now you have made it two days, and the momentum starts building up, and maybe you add a third day, and maybe you fall off the wagon, but in either case you now have two days in a row, and next time maybe you make it three, or four, or seven, or twenty-seven, or seventy, or seven hundred and counting.
I think that is how I got the ball rolling. It's been awhile, so maybe my recollection is losing its sharpness, but I think it was something along those lines. I figured that even if all I ever managed was to alternate 2-3 weeks of sobriety with weeklong benders that would be 2/3 less drinking than I was doing. Thankfully it has worked out a little better than that.
I don't know if that is likely to help anybody else, because we are all special snowflakes, and I can barely understand how I think. Others are somewhat of a mystery to me. But it helps me to write it out and maybe it is food for thought.
You have to get started someplace to start at all. It is much better to try and fail but have learned enough to try (and perhaps fail that time, too) again than to be stuck in that same track, going around and round and round.
Shoot for a full day sober, then add one more if you are feeling up to it. And maybe you aren't up to it. But you have one full day under your belt now. And then next time you shoot for a full day sober, and hopefully chain another day onto the back end of that first day, and now you have made it two days, and the momentum starts building up, and maybe you add a third day, and maybe you fall off the wagon, but in either case you now have two days in a row, and next time maybe you make it three, or four, or seven, or twenty-seven, or seventy, or seven hundred and counting.
I think that is how I got the ball rolling. It's been awhile, so maybe my recollection is losing its sharpness, but I think it was something along those lines. I figured that even if all I ever managed was to alternate 2-3 weeks of sobriety with weeklong benders that would be 2/3 less drinking than I was doing. Thankfully it has worked out a little better than that.
I don't know if that is likely to help anybody else, because we are all special snowflakes, and I can barely understand how I think. Others are somewhat of a mystery to me. But it helps me to write it out and maybe it is food for thought.
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