One of my main stumbling blocks to quitting - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 03-30-2014, 04:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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One of my main stumbling blocks to quitting


1st a little background: I have been habitually trying to quit for over 10 years. I have made it 6 months, 4 months, 2 1/2 months, 1 month about 5 times, 10-20 days about 30 times, and 1-10 days infinity times. I come hear all the time reading and using techniques people have suggested like playing the tape, urge surfing, and one day @ a time. And I have gone to AA briefly which i really did not like as I have pretty severe social anxiety which greatly intensifies whenever I decide to quit.

I'm not a super terrible alcoholic as I never drink till 2 pm and never exceed a 12 pack. But i do get a 12 pack everyday for days or weeks at a time.

I have a house, car, and live comfortably so there really isn't a rock bottom except for health concerns which could get worse. And i'm single with very little responsibility as i made my money early in life with a comfortable nest egg.

My main problem when trying to quit is my anxiety and depression. And my main stumbling block are these words, "you always quit in the end, why torture yourself. All this can go away and you can finally feel some release" I mean i can be going great with a ton of confidence that i will never drink again. I can beat 4 or 5 really bad days in a row by using above techniques. And when it passes be super happy that I didn't drink and feeling how utterly stupid it would be to continue drinking.

Then out of nowhere I have a day when logic won't work. I can read everything i've wrote down about being miserable, dark, etc. I will come here and read but in my mind i'm already having a drink. And i will seriously say my stumbling block words, then something about not caring about death, because everyone dies in the end, life is short anyway, and you win devil, you win. It has become such a pattern, i feel powerless to stop it.

right now i feel the only thing that will stop me is something really, really drastic. i do continue to quit and i'm on day 3 right now. and i hope to never give up.... anyway sorry for grammar, punctuation, etc. i think years of abuse have stopped me from writing coherently anymore. i don't know what i'm really asking but i've been on this forum for awhile so i figure it can't hurt to get it out there.
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Old 03-30-2014, 05:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Just a thougt, but do you seek help for your anxiety and depression once you quit drinking?
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Old 03-30-2014, 05:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Soap, welcome to SR

I have a similar problem. It’s like a chicken-and-egg scenario for me…did I have anxiety/depression first, or did the alcoholism cause it? My question would be the same as that posed by ScottFromWI. Do you seek support for it when sober? Maybe now that you have begun your recovery journey, you could speak to your doctor about the underlying anxiety/depression issue?

Me, I have tried to seek support for the anxiety/depression when not drinking, but I ended up hooked on diazepam…and now still drink, too. So I guess I don’t have any answers – just want you to know I understand where you are coming from. Hang in there, soap…day 3 is GREAT. Keep it up. You can beat this.

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Old 03-30-2014, 05:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi soap and welcome!

We've all been exactly where you are before. There's nothing that sets anyone here apart from you on this one:

Quote:
Then out of nowhere I have a day when logic won't work. I can read everything i've wrote down about being miserable, dark, etc. I will come here and read but in my mind i'm already having a drink. And i will seriously say my stumbling block words, then something about not caring about death, because everyone dies in the end, life is short anyway, and you win devil, you win. It has become such a pattern, i feel powerless to stop it.
One of the hardest things about sobriety and recovery is hanging on at that point. In fact, it's one thing to come on here the morning after a bad hangover or after we've done something horrific and say that we're quitting. The word "easy" isn't really accurate but that's the point where we've indulged ourselves and don't yet want a drink. The words get spoken but they don't mean nearly as much as they do when your dilemma in quotes occurs.

You have to do whatever it is that's necessary to power through that. Have a plan in place and if need be incorporate the help of a trusted friend when this occurs. The plus is that as bad as this feeling is it does dissipate. It doesn't go on and on and on and the more you commit yourself to doing what's necessary to not give in the quicker it will pass.

You have to really unconditionally want this. The first few times of making yourself get through this will be tough. Each time that you do it gets easier. In fact, after a few times you come to realize that where those times really suck that this can be done.

It doesn't sound like you have a particular trigger time that you can plan for. It was probably a bit easier for me because I knew that if I could get through the weekend that was half the battle. I hated weekends for a while at first. Then I appreciated waking up in the morning not feeling like a piece of crap. So beforehand I planned things on Friday and Saturdays that completely took away my ability to drink. Then, I MADE myself do them.

Where you don't have a defined point in time it's best to plan ahead. Life gets better, MUCH better.

This board is essential at these times too.

You CAN do this!
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Old 03-30-2014, 05:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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i did see a therapist for awhile that put me on medicine. but the medicine always seemed to make me crazy and give me dry mouth. and my anxiety never went away. i was just scared of seeing my therapist so i went back to my safe little world hiding at my house. but i am thinking about trying therapy or medication again just to try something.
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Old 03-30-2014, 05:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soap View Post

I have a house, car, and live comfortably so there really isn't a rock bottom except for health concerns which could get worse. And i'm single with very little responsibility as i made my money early in life with a comfortable nest egg.
What I am hearing here is something I have found in my own life, that material success and the comparative absence of immediate family responsibilty can insulate you from *some* of the consequences of drinking. This is a mixed blessing...we miss out on some of the "wake up calls" that others may find themselves confronting sooner in their alcoholism.

So if abstinence isn't inflicted on us by some external circumstance, it is up to us to find an inner motivation to get sober. For me, I think I have just finally gotten sick of all the hassle of maintaining a drinking life. From a cost/benefit analysis, drinking too much is just a losing deal. Happily, ten days in, I am discovering that abstinence is rewarding and pays off. That alcoholic voice, not the literal voice, is always there, though, and I hope he doesn't get the best of me. This is a fight. The SR crew is on our team and can help us.
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Old 03-30-2014, 06:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Soap

I think you're going to have to deal with your anxiety and depression to have any lasting recovery.

I realise last time you saw a counsellor it wasn't great but not all drs and counsellors are the same - I really think it's worth a second go

You can post more here too for support - I think the Class of March thread might be good for you - check it out:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-6-a-14.html

I know it's scary to reach out and to contemplate change...but the alternative is to do nothing and drink - & that leads nowhere.

you can do this

D
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