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Need some support- Breaking up with my boyfriend

Old 04-01-2014, 06:08 PM
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IM- The timing was somewhat intentional. I had my doubts about the relationship early on in my sobriety- and maybe even before. But I wanted to wait and see who 'sober me' really was. I did kind of have the one year 'rule' in my head the whole time.

Part of it was just coincidence though- I started to feel like not doing something about it was holding me back with a lot of things. I was spending my time thinking about how I needed to break up with my boyfriend rather than doing things with my life.
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Old 04-01-2014, 07:01 PM
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DG - sorry to hear about the situation. it sounds like you may be dealing with a short-term pain, long-term gain scenario. If he really cares for you then he can always give up the booze and pot, right? I get what you mean about partners in crime, but the fun times sound like they were over a while ago. At some point we all have to grow up, and realize that life isn't one never ending party. Maybe he will get there someday and you can be partners in sobriety.

It is great that you are putting yourself and your sobriety first.
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:40 AM
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Wow, DG, big news! That must be so hard. It doesn't sound like it was an impulsive decision though, just a very painful one for you both. I do remember reading about you having concerns about how it would all play out with you quitting weed and drinking and him not. I was really impressed you quit with it all around you. I guess I'm not shocked to hear he's moving out but am sad for your pain.
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Old 04-02-2014, 10:01 AM
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Well, today is the day he wants to start packing and move out the first load. This is so hard to face.

It doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping well and just feel burnt out this morning.
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Old 04-02-2014, 10:48 AM
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There is one key nugget we slowly learn in recovery: Feelings pass. Good emotions -- laughter, excitement, anticipation -- slip slowly. The hard ones slam us to the matt and are so pressing they seem they will never ease.

But. They. Do.

For me, some days are so hard that I have to slip back to a single purpose: I will not drink or smoke today, no matter what.

And when that hard day is over, if I don't drink or drug, the perspective of a new day casts softer light on every situation.

Pack the box, help carry it to the car, cry, give him a hug. Then close the door and scream and kick and throw things. Or just sit and stew remembering no matter how hard this sucks or hurts or seems unbearable, it will pass.
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Old 04-02-2014, 10:50 AM
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Stay strong, DG ! Do you have a clean friend you can call on later to hang out with ? I know it's really hard right now, but is there some "tool" that you can use to step out of the spinning mind even for a few minutes ? Give yourself some internal space and stop the mind from completely taking over your inner Knowing. Can you just go to the bathroom and spend a few minutes even just to do some deep breathing ? You'll get through this - I KNOW you will ! Remember, just like the Life-transforming decision you made when you decided to quit all your "bad" habits - they weren't easy in the beginning either, but you sure do know they were right thing to do now. Well, here's another one coming your way - you'll rise to the occasion again ! Just try to make it as easy on yourself and him as you can - sending you lots of love !
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Old 04-02-2014, 11:11 AM
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Happy, I really don't have any friends that live nearby. But I do have one or two people I could call later.

Memphis, you're right, it feels like it's never going to get better. I know that it will, that just seems so far away though.
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Old 04-02-2014, 11:26 AM
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Hi DG, hope all going as well as it can for you. You seem very level headed, I know a year sober things must change in our lives. I've changed my mind lots of times but there always seems to be one niggle at the back of my head, and getting the strength to act on my thoughts and stick with them takes a mountain of climbing.

You're there, you've made your new road and you've got the strength to keep going. I loved your words regarding thinking more about the break up with your boyfriend rather than doing things with your life.

Great words, I will heed, thank you. Even when we are venting here on SR, unbeknowingly we may be helping others.

Keep positive, keep sober and if you feel it's the right thing to do for you, then it is.xxxx
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Old 04-02-2014, 11:30 AM
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Mags- glad to hear you found something of use from my venting.

Well, I thought he wanted my help packing, but he took off to go hang out with some friends for a bit and then has an appointment this afternoon. So, I'm home by myself. I know I 'should' be doing some things to take care of my life- work, paying bills, chores, having something to eat, etc. I just don't feel like doing any of it. I feel overwhelmed.
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Old 04-02-2014, 11:50 AM
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You feel overwhelmed because it is overwhelming. We always had an out in the past when things got too heavy. We could just numb out.

That was the biggest awakening I had to face when I go sober. Feelings floored me. I had no way to cope with them. Alcohol and drugs were my solution. They worked. That's why I became an alcoholic and an addict. Booze and benzos and pot completed me. You take them away and what is left isn't very pretty.

This is where the real fight begins, DGO. When the crap hits the fan like it is for you. You are dealing with the the heaviest thing life deals us -- the loss of a relationship -- which outside of the death of a loved one is as bad as it can get.

Maybe you can tap into some dark emotions and use them for some good. How about anger? Doesn't it **** you off that he didn't join you on this self-discovery journey called sobriety? I know you said there were other areas of the relationship that have gone sour, but isn't the fact that he sat there smoking up while you posted here every day about your struggles? I did the same thing to my ex-wife, smoking and drinking with friends during her earliest days of sobriety, thinking I was a good sport because I took care of the kids alone in the mornings so she could hit an AA meeting. Pretty selfish and naive.

Another black emotion that you need to tap into is fear. There is nothing scarier than ending a relationship and heading into that great unknown of being alone. I know there is a crush out there you have been musing over, but besides that embrace solitude, realize there is some freedom in it that you haven't enjoyed for some time, when you can go pound drums or watch a sappy movie or hit the asphalt and not have to worry about what the significant other is doing.

But the real way to tap into fear is to set you butt down and face the big suck that is about to happen, that time when the last of his stuff is moved out and the door locks and it is just you. Well, say hello to DGO, that woman nearing a year of no booze and nine months of no pot. That's when the real pity party will begin and that is when I would face the greatest temptation to get stoned, drunk or both. When that moment comes you need to realize a big truth and that is that you have embarked on the hardest path anyone like us ever takes: Dealing with the life on life's terms without an escape.

It's going to take a lot of pain and tears but at the end of the day what will emerge is a strong woman who in no uncertain terms knows what she wants: Sobriety.

Then you will have to offer that crush of yours or someone else what we have seen here in your posts: A sober woman with a sober view of life and a sober perspective on relationships that has a tremendous amount of good to offer.

Give in to the anger and fear and remorse that is washing over you. Embrace it. It's what makes you courageous and will result in serenity.

It. Will. Get. Better.
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Old 04-02-2014, 11:57 AM
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I'd say start packing for him - DON'T let him drag this out for you, so you take the bull by the horns and start packing for him. If he doesn't like it, tell him the decision is made and IF he needs to party with his buddies to deal with this, fine, but you are not going to allow this to be dragged out for days, hence you are going to pack for him. Get on with it and get him out ASAP. That's your job TODAY - nothing else. Stay focused ( I apologize if this is being too pushy as far as advice giving)
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:11 PM
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Excellent post, Memphis. Thanks.

Happy, he wasn't out partying, just getting a bite to eat and probably letting his friends know he's moving out of town. I know I sprung this on him, so I'm willing to give him some time to move out. I don't think he's trying to drag anything out, just that he hasn't really planned it very well. But then he hasn't had much time to plan, so I can't fault him there.

He IS being nice about things and I'm thankful for that. A lot of people when facing situations like this can turn into real azzhats and he hasn't done that.
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:15 PM
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that's really great and yes, you're right. He really didn't have any time to plan for this. Gentleness in these times is always the best way to go. You know how to handle this.
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:34 PM
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Great post, MemphisBlues!

DG,

I think feeling overwhelmed, though not pleasant, is perfectly natural regarding the circumstances. Give room to these feelings; they are valid, acknowledge them, sit with them. IT IS OK, they WILL NOT harm you.

Don't run. That's the wisdom of no escape.

"To willingly reside in our distress, no longer resisting what is, is the real key to transformation. As painful as it may be to face our deepest fears, we do reach the point where it's more painful not to face them. This is a pivotal point in the practice life."
Ezra Bayda, Bursting the Bubble of Fear

I think this does not only apply to meditation practice.

Thinking of you, stay strong in the pain and vulnerability, it's so worth it.

J.
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Old 04-02-2014, 10:25 PM
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Well, I made it through the day without drinking or using. Even managed to get a little work done and played some drums for a few minutes and did a little yoga to take care of myself. For where I'm at that all seems like a pretty huge accomplishment.

Now I just hope I can manage to get to sleep at a decent hour.
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Old 04-03-2014, 02:26 AM
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I wish there was a shortcut through the pain, DG. Sadly if there is I don't know it. Some things only heal with time and distance. Just try to occupy yourself with positive things in the meantime.
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Old 04-03-2014, 02:47 AM
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Drinking and using will, at best, simply put you in a pain holding pattern DG - you know as well as I do you either have to deal with the pain later anyway or re-administer the 'medicine'....most times getting wasted just made me feel worse.

Much better to deal with it, as hard as they may be...

I hope he does start the move soon tho - this limbo must be hard on you.

D
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Old 04-03-2014, 02:52 AM
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Originally Posted by DG0409 View Post
Well, I feel like I'm a wreck.

Had a serious talk with bf last night. I think he'll be moving out soon. I'm second guessing myself a lot now. I know with him, he probably will be pretty quick about moving now that he's decided and I don't know how to face that.

Then I start thinking about the things I'll miss and wonder if I didn't try hard enough, if I should have done something different.

We haven't made any definite decisions other than him moving out. I know he's still open to staying together or trying to work out something. It's hard for me to just say, "I don't want you in my life". It wouldn't even be true. We've been together a long time and he's a really good friend in many ways- it's hard to imagine my life with him.

On the flip side, we've both been miserable, and I can't see continuing things as they've been. As much as I want to hold on, I'm not sure there is any way to continue contact that would really make us both happy.

I'm not sure where things are going. I'm scared. I hurt a lot. It all feels surreal. I feel like I'm at super high risk for some sort of slip or relapse. I'd love to just get drunk or high or both right now. One part of me knows it wouldn't help, but it's definitely been in my thoughts and I know that's not a good thing. It's really hard to think about focusing on my recovery while I'm an emotional wreck.

We talked last night and I couldn't get to sleep afterward. I was up until almost 5 this morning. It's really hard to just be with my thoughts and feelings.

I know I need to go back to basics when it comes to recovery. So, first off is a commitment not to drink or do drugs for today.

I need to stay close to SR and force myself to keep eating regularly- I found myself skipping meals yesterday and I know that is not a good place. Low blood sugar just makes it so much harder to think straight and be stable emotionally.

Then it's time to fall back on healthy outlets- drums, walks/jogging or working out, writing on here, doing chores or yard work to stay busy, reaching out and finding people to talk to, etc.

This is really hard. I have to remember where making serious relationship decisions while drunk/high got me in the past. It never made things better. I made bad decisions and I paid the price later. Those days I spent drinking rum and smoking cigarettes all day long in the garage after my last break-up are not days I want to repeat. Days when sometimes I didn't even have a shower.

Wherever my life is going, as long as I'm clean and sober, there is no way I can make as much of a mess out of it as I have in the past. It's hard dealing with the uncertainty of it all. I can't see into the future and see how things would be if I made this decision or that decision.
Im right there with you.. We have to fight the good fight.. We will win just don't give up.. Im trying so hard.. Be strong.. Im judst as scared as you..
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Old 04-03-2014, 09:10 AM
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Myth, I know you're right that there is no shortcut. And Dee, I know you're right too, drinking or getting high would just make me feel worse about everything.

bnmbh- Keep hanging in there.

I slept OK. Not great but OK at least. I think several bad nights finally caught up with me. I woke up dreading the day.
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Old 04-03-2014, 09:34 AM
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I hope your day is going better now, DG !
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