Need some support- Breaking up with my boyfriend
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
There are some things in your favor here. You don't have a baby. And you have a job. And you have your WONDERFUL SELF. I wonder if you see yourself the way we all see you? I don't think so. To me you are extremely admirable, well-spoken, VERY smart, a talented poet, strong, spirited. I could go on and on. I bet you're very beautiful, too!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
We love you, DG. You have finally achieved a step you have reasoned about soberly and rationally. You know he is unhappy in the present situation, too: it will be difficult for both of you, but think of it as setting him free. You will both move on to a higher place. I am proud of you for finally taking the step.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Good Morning DG,
I just saw this thread and wanted to check on you, my friend. I am glad that you have finally had this talk with him and now it is out in the open. This is just the next step in improving your life and moving forward with confidence in your recovery. I hope you have gone for a nice run this morning and are keeping your chin up.
I'm here for you if you need to PM me.
Take Care.
I just saw this thread and wanted to check on you, my friend. I am glad that you have finally had this talk with him and now it is out in the open. This is just the next step in improving your life and moving forward with confidence in your recovery. I hope you have gone for a nice run this morning and are keeping your chin up.
I'm here for you if you need to PM me.
Take Care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Thank you all for the wonderful, thoughtful responses.
I'm feeling much calmer about things today than I was right after I first talked to him. Maybe I'm having trouble feeling that it's really real.
I definitely had thoughts of wanting to escape from my feelings and drink or get high, but this morning, I am so glad that I didn't. The feelings have eased on their own and I'm glad I just sat through the pain. I expect that there will be more difficult emotions to come. There is a lot to deal with still- him packing up and moving his stuff, and then just getting used to the quiet and not having him around when he leaves. I like quiet and time alone (one of the reasons I haven't liked living with him) and yet I am dreading it a bit too.
We still haven't really defined what our relationship (or lack thereof) is going to look like once he moves out. I know he'd still like to try to make things work, but I think we may just not be compatible in ways that are needed for a romantic relationship. I'd like to still be friends, but that may just be too difficult with him wanting more. Likely there will be more difficult discussions to come about these things.
At least I am no longer avoiding the issue. It was hard to bring it up, but something had to happen. Talking to him, it was clear that he was pretty miserable too. At least things will be changing now and we won't be stuck in the same dynamics we've been in.
I'm feeling much calmer about things today than I was right after I first talked to him. Maybe I'm having trouble feeling that it's really real.
I definitely had thoughts of wanting to escape from my feelings and drink or get high, but this morning, I am so glad that I didn't. The feelings have eased on their own and I'm glad I just sat through the pain. I expect that there will be more difficult emotions to come. There is a lot to deal with still- him packing up and moving his stuff, and then just getting used to the quiet and not having him around when he leaves. I like quiet and time alone (one of the reasons I haven't liked living with him) and yet I am dreading it a bit too.
We still haven't really defined what our relationship (or lack thereof) is going to look like once he moves out. I know he'd still like to try to make things work, but I think we may just not be compatible in ways that are needed for a romantic relationship. I'd like to still be friends, but that may just be too difficult with him wanting more. Likely there will be more difficult discussions to come about these things.
At least I am no longer avoiding the issue. It was hard to bring it up, but something had to happen. Talking to him, it was clear that he was pretty miserable too. At least things will be changing now and we won't be stuck in the same dynamics we've been in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Well, I'm back to feeling like a total wreck. Boyfriend said he planned to load the car up and move some stuff out tomorrow. I knew he wouldn't waste much time about moving out, but I didn't think it would be quite so soon.
I'm having second thoughts like crazy. I'm going to miss him. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I think about how I'll miss him and then I think about all the things that weren't working for me.
I'm wishing for sleep- I wish I could just drink till I pass out or smoke some weed to help me sleep or get some sleeping pills or anything. I know that I'll be glad later that I didn't but that doesn't help me feel much better now.
I just feel terrible. I'm worried, I'm anxious, I'm afraid and I think my heart is breaking a bit. This just really sucks. I feel helpless. I don't know why I typed that, it was just what came to mind. I don't know what else to do other than just to write about this a bit.
I'm having second thoughts like crazy. I'm going to miss him. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I think about how I'll miss him and then I think about all the things that weren't working for me.
I'm wishing for sleep- I wish I could just drink till I pass out or smoke some weed to help me sleep or get some sleeping pills or anything. I know that I'll be glad later that I didn't but that doesn't help me feel much better now.
I just feel terrible. I'm worried, I'm anxious, I'm afraid and I think my heart is breaking a bit. This just really sucks. I feel helpless. I don't know why I typed that, it was just what came to mind. I don't know what else to do other than just to write about this a bit.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I'm sorry DG - I think most of us come into sobriety not really knowing what to do when we make a decision that we feel/fear might hurt someone else.
I was not very good at it to begin with, and yeah my AV seized on that.
But getting through something like this sober will show you that A. you can make decisions based on your personal happiness...and stick to them
and B - you can deal with emotion, sober - it's not fun, but it won't kill you either
You made this decision after a lot of deliberation. Trust yourself
I was not very good at it to begin with, and yeah my AV seized on that.
But getting through something like this sober will show you that A. you can make decisions based on your personal happiness...and stick to them
and B - you can deal with emotion, sober - it's not fun, but it won't kill you either
You made this decision after a lot of deliberation. Trust yourself
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Moving on can be painful. Even when it's for the best. Funny how even sober people will let a dying relationship linger on for far too long for the same bad reasons- fear of change, fear of loneliness, fear of being alone, etc. Being semi-miserable with someone is less scarey than being alone sometimes, and even failing relationships have their good times.
My last serious GF and I broke up about a year before I quit drinking. In this case booze wasn't really the issue since she's a borderline alcoholic as well. It was more just that she's more than a decade younger than I am and wanting to start a family. While I did try to at least consider the possibility I knew she could tell that my heart didn't want it. Bad timing, star-crossed, etc. It's a shame since I really did love her, and in basically every other way we were great together. It hurt to say goodbye but we did manage to truly stay friends, although not at first.
Be true to yourself DG0409. You seem like a good person and I know you don't want to hurt him. But it's no kindness to drag it out, and on some level it probably wasn't working for him, either.
Take care of yourself! Don't use this as an excuse to dive into the bottle or a five quart tub of ice cream!
My last serious GF and I broke up about a year before I quit drinking. In this case booze wasn't really the issue since she's a borderline alcoholic as well. It was more just that she's more than a decade younger than I am and wanting to start a family. While I did try to at least consider the possibility I knew she could tell that my heart didn't want it. Bad timing, star-crossed, etc. It's a shame since I really did love her, and in basically every other way we were great together. It hurt to say goodbye but we did manage to truly stay friends, although not at first.
Be true to yourself DG0409. You seem like a good person and I know you don't want to hurt him. But it's no kindness to drag it out, and on some level it probably wasn't working for him, either.
Take care of yourself! Don't use this as an excuse to dive into the bottle or a five quart tub of ice cream!
living sober
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: close to my dogs
Posts: 40
^^ditto!
Remember to breathe, focussing on the outbreath, sit with the feelings, accept them, don't try to run away from the pain, or the panic and eventually the emotions will subside- I used to work through panic attacks this way for many years of my life and even if it's hard it's a very empowering tool because you turn to your inner resources instead of an outer 'fix' that leaves you anxious and dependent.
Thinking of you, you'll get through this!
Julia
Remember to breathe, focussing on the outbreath, sit with the feelings, accept them, don't try to run away from the pain, or the panic and eventually the emotions will subside- I used to work through panic attacks this way for many years of my life and even if it's hard it's a very empowering tool because you turn to your inner resources instead of an outer 'fix' that leaves you anxious and dependent.
Thinking of you, you'll get through this!
Julia
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Thanks Happy & Julia.
Ugh. I'm running so short on sleep now. And there is so much to deal with. Now it's time to talk about what he's taking and what he's leaving, etc.
I know he's kind of pissed and blames me a lot for things not working. I'm just trying to let that go and not get caught up in any arguments. I'm sure some of it IS because of me but I certainly don't feel that all of it is because of me.
Something came up for him and he's decided to postpone moving the first load of stuff until tomorrow. It's going to be really hard helping him pack and I'm dreading when he first leaves and it's just going to be so quiet around here.
I accidentally overheard him talking on the phone to one of his friends last night and he mentioned how my quitting drinking and smoking weed had put a lot of stress on our relationship. That he tried to cut back to be supportive but he still wants to party. I haven't tried to push my sobriety on him really. I've tried to let him decide what he quits or not. When he talks to me, he likes to emphasize how much he's cut back on things. But hearing him really be honest to his buddy about how he wants to still be doing them was good for me. I don't think he would be that honest to me about how he really feels about it. I really do think there is kind of an incompatibility there as I am REALLY dedicated to being clean and sober. I don't want drugs and alcohol around me and especially not in my house. He has cut back on things, but it is clear that there is no real recovery there.
It's kind of tough though... we were such good 'partners in crime' back in the day. There were a lot of good times getting drunk and high and hanging out. I just couldn't keep it up, my alcoholism was progressing and I could have ended up in jail, dead or had other really bad consequences. But I miss what we had and my getting sober has played a big part in changing the dynamics and ruining things. He really made a great drinking/weed buddy. I miss that, but I can't have it back.
Ugh. I'm running so short on sleep now. And there is so much to deal with. Now it's time to talk about what he's taking and what he's leaving, etc.
I know he's kind of pissed and blames me a lot for things not working. I'm just trying to let that go and not get caught up in any arguments. I'm sure some of it IS because of me but I certainly don't feel that all of it is because of me.
Something came up for him and he's decided to postpone moving the first load of stuff until tomorrow. It's going to be really hard helping him pack and I'm dreading when he first leaves and it's just going to be so quiet around here.
I accidentally overheard him talking on the phone to one of his friends last night and he mentioned how my quitting drinking and smoking weed had put a lot of stress on our relationship. That he tried to cut back to be supportive but he still wants to party. I haven't tried to push my sobriety on him really. I've tried to let him decide what he quits or not. When he talks to me, he likes to emphasize how much he's cut back on things. But hearing him really be honest to his buddy about how he wants to still be doing them was good for me. I don't think he would be that honest to me about how he really feels about it. I really do think there is kind of an incompatibility there as I am REALLY dedicated to being clean and sober. I don't want drugs and alcohol around me and especially not in my house. He has cut back on things, but it is clear that there is no real recovery there.
It's kind of tough though... we were such good 'partners in crime' back in the day. There were a lot of good times getting drunk and high and hanging out. I just couldn't keep it up, my alcoholism was progressing and I could have ended up in jail, dead or had other really bad consequences. But I miss what we had and my getting sober has played a big part in changing the dynamics and ruining things. He really made a great drinking/weed buddy. I miss that, but I can't have it back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
It's totally understandable that you're remembering the "good times" , but as you said, that was when you were participating in that lifestyle too. That's not your Truth now, so no matter how painful it is right now, it is setting yourself free to live the Life you REALLY want ! You'll look back on this decision as another right move for you. He will have to travel his own chosen road. May I make a suggestion ? Do you have a good, sober friend who would be willing to hang out with you for a day or two on the day he leaves ? I would make some plans to keep busy, go have some fun - a movie, dinner or something - on the day he leaves. Get out of the house yourself. Try to distract your mind from swirling in the " what could have been; what we had, etc."
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
You did NOT 'Ruin' anything DG. You have chosen to improve yourself in the way that YOU see is best for YOU. He is not ready to follow your lead into a clean and sober lifestyle and you cannot control that. This is the next logical step in your progression and is necessary for you to continue moving forward.
Please do not beat yourself up over this. You are focused on what is most important in your life, a completely clean and sober way of living. I am VERY proud of you for the progress you have made and have complete confidence that this is the next RIGHT thing to do.
Take Care of yourself today (and always....).
Please do not beat yourself up over this. You are focused on what is most important in your life, a completely clean and sober way of living. I am VERY proud of you for the progress you have made and have complete confidence that this is the next RIGHT thing to do.
Take Care of yourself today (and always....).
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Ironic timing or subconscious working? No big changes until one year.
You will get through this, even though it seems scary. I wish i had the self awareness that you have when I was in my 20's. My life would look very different today.
You're starting the next chapter. Get excited about the alone time! Plan small self endulged evenings. Pamper yourself. No going back you're not the same girl you were, and you never will be. And that's the beautiful thing about sobriety!
You will get through this, even though it seems scary. I wish i had the self awareness that you have when I was in my 20's. My life would look very different today.
You're starting the next chapter. Get excited about the alone time! Plan small self endulged evenings. Pamper yourself. No going back you're not the same girl you were, and you never will be. And that's the beautiful thing about sobriety!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I had people in my life who were great for me in the day. Always a party, always had my back, a place to crash, a lift home (via the bottle shop)
When I got sober, I needed a different type of person around me.
It was hard to break those bonds - even tho I knew I had to, I wanted to call this sober thing off more than once back then. I'm glad I didn't
It was the right thing to do for me - I think you'll find the same DG.
When I got sober, I needed a different type of person around me.
It was hard to break those bonds - even tho I knew I had to, I wanted to call this sober thing off more than once back then. I'm glad I didn't
It was the right thing to do for me - I think you'll find the same DG.
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