serenitynowplz

My husband and I have been married 5 years. 2nd marriage. Over the past 4 years he has been the one I have hurt with my drinking. He is one of the main reasons I know it has to stop. However.... He is one of those guys who can have two drinks and be done. I just recently quit. I can already feel how much better life can be for me sober and I really want this to work. Here's my question... Last night we went to Mexican restaurant with the kids. I ordered a diet coke. He says out loud... I was really hoping u would have ordered a margarita. Then he ordered a beer for himself. We got home and I told him that I was really trying not to drink and I didn't understand why he would say he wanted me to order a big margarita. He said very defensively that it was bc he wanted a beer. I dropped it as I could feel a fight brewing. Brought it up again later and all he said was ok. Why doesn't he get it? I know he prefers me sober. I don't understand and it feels like he's trying to sabotage me. Thoughts?

sugarbear1

he ordered the beer anyway.

?

serenitynowplz

Yes he ordered the beer. Had two. I know that my sobriety is my responsibility but it hurt that he would say he wished I would have ordered a margarita when he knows where that would lead. My 14 year old commented with curiousity wondering why I wasn't drinking and I simply told him that a margarita had 600 calories and if I drank one I would no doubt want another one.

aasharon90

It was explained to me that in order for a
family to survive addiction and recovery
within the family, is for all to get involved
in some sort of recovery program to insure
a healthier, happier unit.

When each person has their own program
to work, we don't need to work each others
programs.

I worked my own recovery program for
myself to remain sober, however, the rest
of the family didn't see any reason to
work a program because they were not
the ones with a problem with addiction.

So, even tho my spouse and kids continued
on with life, school and work, we had problems
with communication and understanding.

They eventually went their ways in life
and so did I. Our marriage ended at 25yrs.
sad to say but, happily remarried 5 yrs now.

Nonsensical

I have the addiction and I barely understand it. My wife doesn't get it at all, and I don't expect her to.

Communication solves most problems. When the time is right have an UNEMOTIONAL discussion about what you are trying to do, WHY, and what you would like from him in terms of support.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

GreenEggsAndHam

Sounds like my husband. I was even in rehab and he told me it's ok to drink at restaurants on the weekend. It's not really so much a matter of him not getting it, but his own desire to drink and how the dynamic has changed. We have an couple's appointment with my addiction therapist next week to work things out a little.

LadyBlue0527

serenitynowplz,

Completely get where you're coming from. They just don't get it.

The next time he asks you to order a Margarita tell him that you're willing to do that if he's willing to put up with the aftermath.

I get that this is our problem and not theirs but how can a person complain about someone's drinking and then ask why they aren't ordering a drink? Then, to give the reason that it's because they want to order a beer and don't want to drink alone?

I have to ask, how deeply has your drinking really hurt him? He wants you to not drink but only when it's convenient for him?

Time for an honest conversation.

serenitynowplz

Thanks everyone. Not feeling so alone

serenitynowplz

Actually, I know exactly what he would say if I said I would order one if he wanted to deal w the aftermath. He would say if I would just listen to him and stopped when he told me everything would be fine. I've told him before he cannot control my drinking, nor can I sometimes, so its better for me to not drink at all. He jokes that I need a shock collar.

least

That's not funny.

Let time convince him. Stay sober and change your life and he'll see the difference. Do it for yourself.

DrunkTx

All - I think we might be a little hard on Serenity's husband. I agree this is no joking matter, and I even agree that although we own our sobriety, we can take all the support we can from our families'. That said, we assume that they know or can even empathize with how grave the situation is in our minds. Not a perfect parallel, but I'm a pretty strong bike rider. Riding straight uphill with no hands against traffic gives me no angst at all - I'm quite confident with my ability to assess the road, the cars, etc. Not saying I'm Olympic or tour de France worthy, but I'm just comfortable on the road. My wife on the other hand, has the fear of god about her when cars are on the road with her. It's near paralyzing. I joke about it, I get frustrated, I get angry - because it makes no sense to me. She's just being a baby, right? I think everybody gets my point. To Nordics - stopping at one or two both physically and mentally is no different than putting on their shoes. For us - it's like standing on a cliff, with complete despair and a one way ticket to heaven/hell.

Could it be that he is trying to joke with you, so it isn't so awkward? Again, not saying that is right - but his intentions might be. I'm going on year 3, and my wife supports me and drinks around me - we can joke about it, and at the same time, she'll grab my hand and hold it if I reach for the bottle. This is a journey - give him time to get on the bus with you.

Dee74

Hi Serenitynowplz

I think, unless you have the problem, it's very hard to understand it.

It would be nice if our loved ones understood too, but that's not always the case.

The important thing is you understand - and you know you have an enormous amount of support here

D

LadyBlue0527

Does your wife ask you why you aren't ordering a drink just because she feels like having one and doesn't want to drink alone?

If serenitynowplz had not said "Over the past 4 years he has been the one I have hurt with my drinking" I may not have made the statement that I did. Non alcoholics don't understand addiction and I've heard many others on this board stating that their spouses have asked "Can't you have just one?" I get that and understand how that could happen.

In this case though she's offered that there have been issues and she's hurt him over the past 4 years because of her drinking. The only exception here is that I don't know what that means. Did she just say a few things to him that upset him? If that's the situation then I retract the statement.

courage2

Serenity, when I first tried to quit, my husband did this whole put-upon thing when we were going to a Mexican restaurant (what is it with Mexican restaurants?) about if I didn't drink, he couldn't, because we couldn't get a pitcher. As it happened, he had a beer, I think, I don't remember.

Mostly, he still doesn't get it. He's never had a drinking problem & doesn't want to believe I have one. But when occasionally I get whiney and say something like "I could really use a drink tonight", nowadays he says, "no, not tonight."

I don't look to him for serious support against this thing. I look to people who know about alcoholism -- on SR and in AA.

I think your husband will soon learn to appreciate what you're like as a sober woman!

serenitynowplz

To answer the question, I have hurt him in many ways with drinking. He's the one who has to take care of me when I'm nearly passing out, he's the one who gets the phone thrown in his face (only once but still), he's the one that I tell to get the f away from me and stop telling me what to do, he's the one that has picked me up off thenfloor when I've passed out in front of the babysitter, he's the one whose watched me flirt with other men when we are out and I'm drunk, he's the one who has woken up unable to find me after I've left the house drunk to pass out on q friends front porch, he's the one who tells me to stop amd takes my drink so then I drink a friends drink instead.... I could go on and on. Yet somehow he says im not an alcoholic bc I can chose to stop if I want to as I've done before. A 5 month stint and then 3. He just thinks I have anxiety and control issues so I selfmedicate. What he doesn't know is that when he was up brushing his teeth after we split a bottle or two of wine, I was downstairs sneaking a shot or two of vodka before bed and even sometimes throwing a xanax in the mix too. So he knows it was bad. He just doesn't know how bad. and the shock collar comment was totally a joke on his part but hell I think it would work. kidding there but I've always said I wish I had an iv w the perfect dose of red wine to get me to the point of lovely, consistent buzz and nothing more... just the right amount to not wreak havoc.

Ruby2

I was thinking about this very topic last night but from a different perspective. My husband is also an alcoholic and in AA so he fully understands where I am coming from. I was thinking that it is a lot easier when we are both staying sober and I have his support. We were at a Mexican restaurant - it is odd that this seems to be a theme on this thread - and I was glad that my husband wasn't drinking because the margaritas were certainly a popular item at the restaurant.

I'm sending my support to you even if I haven't got any particular advice. My family are the ones who have trouble understanding it all. They just don't get it. I know they love me but I am the one who educates them.

MythOfSisyphus

Since I don't know your husband I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's an idiot instead of an A-hole. Assuming he genuinely wants to support you and isn't just being passive-aggressive then he simply can't understand what addiction is like.

LadyBlue0527

"the perfect dose of (insert drink of choice here) to get me to the point of lovely, consistent buzz and nothing more... just the right amount to not wreak havoc."

That is the never ending proverbial chase of the white rabbit. A problem drinker/alcoholic/addict's never ending quest. It's a fantasy and doesn't exist.

It's how a normal drinker drinks and something that we can never do, but we'll go to the ends of the earth trying.

It's also self torture. Here's a question. When you get to the point where you have this buzz what then happens if you stop? Are you happy to just leave it at that? I know that I wasn't. When I got to that beer where I would say to myself that I had to slow down or that after that beer I had to stop I would make that final (final heh heh who was I kidding?) beer last as long as I could. Then, when it was finished I would reason that maybe if I just drank a water and took a break that maybe then I could have a beer after. The whole time that I was drinking that water all that I thought about was the forthcoming beer as a reward for taking a time out with the water. The more I thought about it the faster I chugged that water so that I could get back to the beer. Once I had another beer in hand all bets were off, screw the water. This happened all the time. Trying to kid myself. It was torture. The only way out was to quit for good.

Back to the OP. I think I have a better understanding now. From what you explained it sounds like you're at where I was the 2nd time I quit. I had definitely said and did some horrific things around my husband but at that point it was a problem and didn't happen every single time. So when I had quit that time he was invited down to his friends, who is a hardcore alcoholic and he knew that he was leaving me at the house alone while he was going to drink (he's normal, can have a few and stop). He said "I wish you could just have a few and stop before you get out of hand". Boy did I promise that to the ends of the earth and run with it. I was going to get my beloved beer back! It was sickening when I think back because I realize that my actions were of a crazed person who is about to get their fix. So I started drinking again and things got progressively worse. I quit a 3rd time. Once again, him not understanding addiction, I ended up drinking again and this final journey was the worst. It was almost a sure thing that every time that I drank he was going to hear my wrath. I belittled him, called him names, threw things, did unspeakable things, the person I became and what I did to him was horrifying. If he didn't understand addiction before he did then. If anyone were to offer me alcohol and hand it to me now he would bat their hand away. More importantly, I would bat their hand away.

It's sad that it had to get to the point that it did. Words and actions can't be taken back. They can be forgive but they will never be forgotten.

I hope that you are able to have a talk with your husband and be honest about how bad things really are. He needs to understand that this isn't just a little problem and things are only going to get worse.

FreeOwl

you may or may not be able to understand the motives, feelings or possible confusion of conflict within your husband.

All you can control is your own truth, your own communication.

I think it's good that you reminded him about the importance of sobriety to you. Maybe also reminding him that it's OK if HE wants to have a drink, just please go ahead and do what he wants without making statements that may threaten your sobriety.

This is a tricky area, but I think simple, straightforward and honest communication about it can help couples navigate that trickiness without it needing to be painful.

Hang in there, I wish you strength as you continue to work through this issue and honor your sobriety.

KAD

Why is it non-drinkers get harassed for not drinking in the first place? Imagine your scenario like this: you're in the restaurant and you order water to drink. Your husband says, "Oh, I was hoping you'd order a Coke because I wanted Dr. Pepper." Sounds absurd, right? It's absurd because alcoholic beverages aren't really "beverages" at all. They're drug-delivery devices. Just like with any drug, people feel more comfortable (justified) using/abusing them if those around them are using/abusing them, too. I can't help but get perturbed when I hear stories like yours because I've been there. My current significant other, even though my drinking once caused us to split up for 9 months, has still commented that maybe I could drink NA beer, or maybe I could learn to moderate. Why is it so damned important to be able to drink poison (or even pretend to)?! I know it may come off as being defensive if you responded that way, if you ever find yourself in the same position again, but maybe it would get the point across?