ReadyAtLast

How did you get on at work ?

1lifeleft

So today has passed without major incident but I'm still in mental turmoil, imagining the terrible things that could still happen. The girl left early today to go to doctors, the dark part of my mind instantly associates it as something to do with what happened, part of a case being raised against me rather than coincidence?


She seemed fairly normal, surely if she was going to go down that route she wouldn't speak to me at all and wouldn't be in today? She wouldn't just blindside me like this?*


My wife is home tonight, looking forward to seeing me. I'll be dreading the police at me door all night, dragging me off why my wife is distraught and confused.


I can't believe any of this is real, can't believe I could put myself in a position where I could lose everything. This whole thing is like a nightmare, I can't stop sweating, shaking, obsessing about it. I could lose my wife, my job, my family and friends, could be put on an offenders list, could even go to prison. I just want to escape all this, can't even hope that it will all be ok

1lifeleft

Update - so I just saw the girl I'm giving myself an ulcer over. I was driving through town to pick up a parcel and I saw her walking with her boyfriend, looked like they'd been shopping. They seemed perfectly happy and playing around as they walked, not like they were going through a crisis caused by me. Gave me hope that I'm making it worse in my head than it is,aybe she's pretending it didn't happen to, maybe the excuse to go to the doctors was just to get off work early... I know I'll still be massively stressing for weeks.

resolute50

I say,just don't fall into that indefinite cycle.
Drink>do something stupid>drink again to forget about stupid thing you did>start from beginning again.

I broke that cycle,and you can to.

1lifeleft

I know what you're saying, I'd love to forget this if it comes to nothing but then what have I gained from it? It's difficult cos I don't believe in fighting your nature, and at my core I know I'm an animal more than a man, but "even though I'm no better than a beast, don't I deserve to live?". I want to make my own decisions, not give myself over to a blackout and the control if alcohol. If by some miracle I'm allowed to learn from this experience without paying the ultimate price, I plan to.

ScottFromWI

Do you have any updates on what your plans are for staying sober and not repeating the incident? I think that should really be of utmost concern right now.

1lifeleft

My plan for staying sober is not drinking today. I plan on saying the same tomorrow.

I'm more concerned with this drama right now because if the sky fell on me then I would have nothing left to live for.

resolute50

Sounds like there's more drama going on in you mind then in real life.
Everybody makes mistakes and being drunk is a sure fire way to make more.

1lifeleft

I usually imagine things are much worse than they are, it's part of my anxiety I guess. I know booze makes anxiety much worse, such a vicious circle. Provided I don't lose the people close to me, I intend to reach out to them and make it known I accept I have a problem

Mags1

Hi 1lifeleft, I'm pleased your worries have not been founded.

I did a lot of things I regretted, I think most of us here may have, booze loses our morals, changes who we are, for some. We always called my dad jeckyl and Hyde, such a nice man sober but evil when drunk. No similarities just it brings out things that our morals would stop when sober.

I hope you manage your 1 day at a time, that is how I do it, I don't count each day anymore, month by month, now, but I am aware of how I wasted my life when drunk, hid behind it, also.

So reminders of what once was without dwelling too much, like on sr member said, it's ok to glance through the rear view mirror, then move on.

ScottFromWI

I personally think it's important to have a concrete plan in place rather than just "not drinking". Right now you are scared out of your mind by what you did over the weekend ( and justifiably so ) and you are using that as your motivation to quit. That fear/incident will fade though - and you'll need something else to fall back on. It's tough to imagine now and tough to look past the current troubles, but you really need to focus on the real problem eventually ( your drinking ).

1lifeleft

I agree completely Scott, failing to plan is planning to fail and I want to succeed. It's just difficult to deal with my anxiety at the moment, hopefully as I'm able to calm down about the worst happening I'll be able to focus on getting better

1lifeleft

So today passed without incident, I'm starting to relax again. I was uneasy when I thought the girl seemed a bit cold with me, later she kind of smiled at me instead of completely blanking me as we passed so I try tell myself if something bad was going to happen it would've already.

A colleague who drinks a fair bit himself seems shocked I've decided to quit entirely, I guess if he's able to hold it mostly together unlike me. Made me think a lot of my friends who drink a fair bit are going to have a similar reaction, temptation to "just have one you'll be fine" etc... But today is another day I won't drink at least.

1lifeleft

I really should see a shrink, it can't be normal to be this obsessive and paranoid. Definately one of the reasons I drank was to calm myself down, it works great but afterwards I feel even worse.

As much as I have the paranoia telling me that everything is going to wrong, I have another telling me to calm down, if something was going to happen it would've happened by now. That voice tells me a drink will calm me down and make me see sense again...

I know that person isn't to be trusted anymore, he lies and is looking for an excuse for me to drink until he can take the reigns again and leave me to deal with the aftermath.

I guess I'll just have to deal with the twitchy one, the one who can see disaster around every corner. Two more days until she leaves, maybe after that I'll finally be able to relax and get on with my life. My new sober life that is. Unless she decides to try destroy me as she leaves.

Apologies if this rambling isn't relevant, it helps to write things down sometimes.

ReadyAtLast

Dont be afraid to post your feelings. This is the problem with incidents. Over time, the memories fade and we aren't in as much trouble as we thought we were. So we drink again. But then it happens again -or gets worse.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

ScottFromWI

Feel free to write whenever you choose, if it helps you get sober its relevant.

Try to remember the big picture too - this incident is merely a result of a much larger problem that you need to deal with. And that problem won's simply go away when this person leaves. Have you done anything to specifically work on your sobriety at all? As you are already noticing the addiction is trying to talk to you once again now that the immediate problem has somewhat subsided.

1lifeleft

Well I've been thinking about it a lot, trying to figure out how I ended up here in this state. I remember the 1st time I drank, must have been 13ish and had some bucks fizz at a family party, after which I kept stealing white wine to make spritzers... I'd forgotten about that for the longest time, I realize now that was the first real sign that this disease was in me. I'd had a little and liked it, so more must be better was and still is the mentality, no matter how many hulk level hangovers I get.

I'm open to more practical suggestions of things I could do and would be happy to hear any that anyone feels like sharing. I don't think AA would be good for me, I don't play well with others, also hate public speaking and verbalising feelings.

Holli

I highly recommend professional counseling -- alcoholic or not, EVERYBODY can benefit from this.

ScottFromWI

There are several recovery methods that don't involve group meetings or public sharing, check out the subforums here dealing with Secular methods for several.

Having said that, don't dismiss AA just because you "think" it wouldn't be good for you - you wont ever know unless you try. Many people go to meetings and never say a word. The worst possible thing that could happen is you go listen for an hour and hear others who have the exact same problem you do talk about how they overcame it or are overcoming it.

You could read the big book, it's online and free. I am not in AA but I still read it from time to time, there is a wealth of info there.

You could see an addiction counselor and just talk about your drinking.

You could call your local addiction resource center and see if there is an outpatitent program you could sit in on.

There are many good books out there on addiction/alcoholism too - check out the sticky at the top of the newcomers forum for information.

Bottom line is that there are a host of resources out there, the key is accepting that you need the help and taking advantage of it.

1lifeleft

Thanks man, lots of good stuff there. I think I'll start with the big book, I enjoy reading