kiki1988

Hi everyone.

This thread is about my Dad. He has been in AA for more than 20 years, and he's really happy that I have decided to join and get help with my alcohol problem. He was the first person I told when I made the decision, because I knew saying it out loud to him would make it real - no takebacks.

I live in the UAE and he lives in Ireland, and it would be normal for us to speak on the phone every couple of weeks. Since I told him, he calls or texts every day. I know he is being supportive, but I'm finding it very overbearing.

While I'm still over here and it's a call/text, that's fine, but I'm going home for a full month in May/June. I'm concerned because contrary to what people here and at AA say, my Dad has a very set view on how recovery works. He will expect me to go to a meeting every day, and 100% avoid bars and pubs. That's problematic because the whole reason I'm going home for the month is because two close friends are getting married - and Irish weddings are synonymous with booze ups. I understand his concern, but I'm already trying to learn coping methods for being in these situations, and there is no way I am skipping these events.

Any advice on dealing with him?

seahorse661

Remind him that he has no control over alcohol-including your addiction to it and the way you choose to recover.
And remember he is behaving this way because he loves you

ando68

Talking to him about how overbearing you find it, might help both of ye. Finding your own footing is important, along with all the support you feel you need. Careful planning around your attendance at the social functions would be wise, that of course depends on you feeling strong enough to attend them at all. In your own words, you will be entering a boozed up scene. Keep your priorities close by your side.

doggonecarl

I came to SR after 35 years of drinking and a lot of failed attempts at quitting. I had to accept that my way wasn't the "right" way. So I listened to those that had attained sobriety, no matter how counter it ran to my thinking. Avoiding alcohol and alcohol-fueled social events, like bars, pubs, and weddings, was one of those things. I followed that advice until I had more than a couple months sober. Was it the "right" way?

It was right for me.

FreeOwl

some folks get that way, because that's what works for them.

but I agree that reminding him that the 'right' way to work a program is the way that works for each of us is a step you probably ought to take.

Spend some time telling him what you feel works for you. Tell him about your concerns honestly. Ask him specifically for what support you want from him.

Be prepared to hear objections and advice from him.... this will be because he loves you. He knows what addiction is and he wants to spare you from some of the hard lessons he's probably learned the hard ways....

Have compassion and realize that if the roles were reversed, surely you'd want to do everything you could to help your son avoid the darkness.

There's no simple answer here, but I think it starts with honest communication with your Dad.

Aellyce

I would probably choose a compromise. One question: are his suggestions potentially harmful / negative on you? AA meetings may not hurt...? I also live far away from my father on a different continent, similarly to you we speak on the phone ~every other week, and I don't visit frequently. My dad never had alcohol or addiction problems, but can be a little difficult in other ways... So when I do visit, my goal is to have a good time and make him happy - what is a few days for me, really? I would probably go to AA with him during that time - you did not say anything about your feelings towards AA, so I assume perhaps it might also be an interesting boding time for the two of you?

As for your other plans: that's more your private call, how comfortable you feel in those situations. If you have done it before and you feel strong, I don't see it a necessity to report to your father where you are going to see your friends? Or if it's a very small place, perhaps make plans with your dad very clearly in the beginning of your stay, tell him you would attend AA with him but will also want to see your friends on your own. That would be a sort of boundary setting.

Now the everyday calling/texting sounds a little excessive but remember he is your dad and worries about you. I have had periods like that with my own father (even more with my mother before her passing) and usually I tell him very directly what I think. Try to ease his worries rather than fight, although this is not always easy and I've made a few mistakes getting angry over the phone that I felt very guilty about later. Probably with time if he sees you are doing well, he will worry less and bother you less.

I definitely would not get into control and power struggles with a close relative like him if his intentions and suggestions are generally constructive. Of course all this depends on your more complex relationship history - I'm giving these suggestions based on what you've shared in this thread.

kiki1988

This is the thing, I'm going to about 3 meetings a week, which is a good amount for me at the moment. I don't feel the need to go every single day - but he told me when he sobered up he went to 2-3 meetings each day and he will expect me to go to at least one a day.

The weddings are for people I have been friends with since secondary school - long before booze became a factor in anything. Although the weddings will be big drinking sessions, they are also important moments in my friends' lives and I'm not willing to miss out on that. All going well, I'll have 3 months under my belt by then and with the help of AA and you guys, I'll be strong enough to go and have fun without drinking.

FreeOwl

all sounds fair to me.

I go to meetings when I feel the need. Havent been to one in several weeks because of my travel and custody schedule and I've been missing it. I have found little bits of 'drinking nostalgia' creeping in. Tells me I need to get back to get back to a meeting soon.

I never really felt the need to get to a meeting every single day and certainly not multiple per day. Just felt like too much for me. But, I know many who have really felt the need for that as well.

A wedding of my friends would be an important event for me as well. I'd go in with a plan. I'd have a strategy for what I planned to drink as an alternative to alcohol. I'd have a set answer for what I would tell people who asked or insisted I participate in drinking. I'd have a 'bailout protocol' if i found myself too tempted or overwhelmed and needed to leave. I'd do all of that for ME - but maybe in your shoes I'd share it all with my Dad and listen honestly to his perspective. I'd do my best to help him feel OK about it, but I'd also let him know that this is MY recovery, not his.... I'd remind him that we can only take our OWN inventory. I'd tell him I loved him and thank him for his support and I'd let him know he means the world to me, just like being there for my good friends.....

I believe you can do this if you feel you can and you have a plan. I've done similar things in sobriety and know many others who have as well. Go into it conscious, aware, and prepared.

sugarbear1

tell him to call his sponsor....

the only right way is to not drink, specifically the first one.

(my sponsor took me to bars to read the big book & eat some food)