fromashesirise

Hi everyone. I'm not sure how much to write or what to write about exactly. I am new to recovery from alcohol, very new, as in it's only day one. By the way, this is not my first day 1. I have tried and succeeded with this before, but somehow end up back on the wagon every time... I don't drink everyday and if I can help it, I do not always drink too much. Then there are the many times that I do. This can be especially problematic to a mother of an almost two year old. Although she is always taken care of during my "episodes" it is not okay and I should be giving her the best version of me that I can, not the drunk me or the hungover me or the preoccupied with when I could get drunk again me. I have suffered from mental illness for many years, with some treatment here and there, but let's face it. Treatment is expensive. That being one of the reasons I have found myself here at this moment. I have been looking around at rates for alcohol counselors and psychologists and the best I can find is 65 an hour. That could add up fast and while I think about that some more, I will get acquainted around here. What else? Hmm... Well, I am 25, a SAHM, used to work in education, attended college, own a home, love to scrapbook and craft, enjoy working out at the gym and going to the zoo. But I have this side of me that gets out of control with alcohol sometimes, but not always. It's not something I can rely on either way because sometimes it's not a drinking emergency and it's just 1 or 3 or whatever, but other times it's 10 or more drinks with blackouts and me doing something ridiculous and out of character like punching a hole through my parent's screen door, true story by the way. Anyway, I have a problem here obviously and I don't know what the word for it is, whether it's alcoholic, problem drinker, binge drinker, maybe something else entirely. Regardless of the word, I would like to address the problem and make some changes. I have wanted this before and have tried with some level of success, but I always end up back in a habit of drinking too much too often. I have been drinking heavily since I was 13, with periods of more or less drinking and sometimes none at all. I have experienced a lot over the years, somethings that I bet no one could even relate to. It's the kind of thing that you try to find on google and nothing comes up type stuff. Well, I come from a whacked out childhood with my parents split up and back together with boyfriend and girlfriends in between two many times to count. A lot of guilt and responsibility was placed on me from a very young age about this. I ended up in the hospital from alcohol poisoning and almost died when I was 17. I got married when I was 18 in a really odd sequence of events stemming from my now husbands parents sending him here improperly. I have dealt with infidelity and then lost my God parents as a result of me staying in said relationship. This hit me hard because my relationship with my parents is complex and I at least had that. There's really not enough time for me to write all the little things that have happened and led me up to this moment. Everything has not always been bad, in fact there have been many good things too. I would never take such a thing for granted because I know just what it is like to not be taken care of. I really hesitate to press submit thread because I am afraid maybe I didn't tell it like it is or maybe I said something that I should not have. I suppose I have to start somewhere and it is here, now.

ChrissieB

Welcome, love your name I rise, this is a great site, great support from people who understand. I attend AA and find it amazing, perhaps it is something you could look into and I know there are alternative methods people us. We do this one day at a time stay away from that first drink each day. xx

Hevyn

Welcome fromashesirise. It's so good to have you here.

I'm glad you see what alcohol is doing to your life & that you want to change. Once it was in my system there was no telling what would happen to me. It was dangerous & risky each time I picked up. I had no choice but to stop all together. It's so much better to have a clear head and to be free of it. We know you can do this - please keep reading and posting.

DeterminedGirl

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like we have similar backgrounds.. I know it isn't easy to talk about it all.

You're doing the right thing

Eibon

Welcome!! Great to have you here. I have only been on SR since Wednesday last week (am now on Day 4) and this site really does make a massive positive difference. There is always someone line ready and willing to listen and support. You are doing the right thing and this first step is huge! Well done.

Boobeary

Good morning Ashes,
Glad you're here. I second the above. The people here are super supportive, and I'm finding that checking in regularly is really helping me through this whole process of learning to be sober.

BTW, I love your name!

KateL

Welcome xxxx

fromashesirise

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome! As for my name, I chose it based on the phoenix and how although the phoenix goes to ashes, one day the phoenix rises from the ashes again, renewed. My past makes my soul ache and there are many aspects of my past that tend to linger and still cause pain. I hope to be rid of this ache, become renewed and maybe one day look back at this and feel far from it.