Misc72

came home early the other day husband was sneaking smoking cigarettes. smoking isn't that big of a deal it was the sneaking behavior. It makes me feel like I can't trust him. I always believe that people that lie about small things Will lie about big things too. He has apologized and I am having a hard time moving on from it. I'm in a state of anger and disappointment. I hate holding a grudge. I don't know how to forgive and move on from this. We have both been sober for 4 months. And of course I worry that he's going to be sneaking out with drinking too.

FreeOwl

I donno.... when I smoked I really struggled with the quitting and also with the shame and guilt of not being able to.

It's another addiction.

I'm not sure you can automatically generalize that it means he's a liar in "the big things".

Have you tried sharing with him that you'd rather know the truth and if he's struggling to quit, have him be honest with you so that your trust in him isn't compromised?

Cigarettes are a bastard of an addiction. I'm not offering an excuse here, but it seems to me that honest communication and opening the door to understanding his struggle might be more effective than losing faith in him.

robgt350

i can see your point, but i dont think i can see if some one has lie about small things will lie about big things. but that is just me.

Anna

It sounds like you and your husband have to sit down and really talk, and lay down some ground rules about what's acceptable and what's not.

If sneaking smoking is a boundary for you, then what will you do if it happens again?

Misc72

We talked it out then hugged it out. I explained we are a team and must rely on each other and trust is everything. I'd rather him smoke openly than sneakingly. He says he just wants the occasional smoke. It doesn't work that way with nicotine. Then if I accept this what else will I have to accept. Anyway... wish us luck. If it happens again, I will need to do some thinking of what I can allow in my own life and expectations of a partner.

Aellyce

Would probably be best to talk with him openly and make him feel that he can share his struggles with you honestly. Non-judgmental is the best approach, like we do here on SR. He's probably less likely to hide things from you that way. Does he want to quit smoking at all? There are different possible approaches to aid quitting cigarettes if he is committed, but it's quite difficult for many people to give up the habit.

littlefish

Well, we alcoholics can also be codependent. Is it really your responsibility to monitor his smoking? His quitting smoking is really up to him and it's his business. And even the drinking is too.
Although you both quit drinking together, and congrats on your time btw, your journeys in recovery are your own.
Taking on the task of worrying, resenting, feeling anger...will that endanger your own recovery?