Saille

Hi all

Going through a relapse that started a few months ago, after about 5 years sober. Went to a party, thought I could handle "a drink"... I could not. Ended up drinking all day again, started abusing prescription meds, and it spiralled out of control from there. I am seeing my doctor for referral to detox next week. Maybe rehab too - not sure what I think about that.

I am still drinking now, hate it. First found AA when 19 years old (I'm 28 now) but could not grasp the 'higher power' / God concept so I eventually stopped going to meetings. Felt alienated. Somehow managed 5 (ish) years sober by myself ... probably just a dry drunk. I would like to try again, i don't want to live like this. Am here hoping to find answers/sobriety/support.

I am struggling now but I have determination, too... most days. I am just looking for support (please), not judgement. Family is not really in the picture right now. I can do better than this, I know. I need new coping strategies.

Thanks for listening (& sorry for rambling on). Great to be here.

Best, Saille

Anna

Hi Saillie,

Welcome, and no worries, we do not judge.

I'm really glad you found us and are looking for support for yourself.

Do you have a plan? I hope you continue to use SR.

least

You've come to a very supportive site. We understand how hard it can be to stop drinking. We share our experiences and strength and we hope to help you get sober for good.

Saille

Hi Anna & least

Thanks. A plan? Not really ... not to lose everything all over again? Been there, done that.

Whatever I have been doing was not working. I always felt I was just getting by by the skin of my teeth. Will see what the Dr has to say next week. I used to see an addictions counsellor & she used to help. But no plan as such, no. Just... stop drinking again. No idea how.

Thanks for your replies & your welcome.

Best, Saille

MythOfSisyphus

It's good to have you here, Saille. You know you can stop because you have before. You now understand that you need to; without that it won't stick.

SoulSister

I think it's easy for us that have had troublesome lives to have doubts about God.

I mean, if there is a God, how come he didn't help me. How come my life turned so badly?

There must be no God.

I would suggest to keep an open mind. In AA, some have trouble with believing in God.

I wouldn't let that stop you from starting at the title page and reading the book to find out if any new ideas appear.

There are many women in AA that might be helpful. They have found a way out and can point you in the good direction. Let them help.

FreeOwl

welcome back....

and thank you for helping me stay sober today with your reminder of how frighteningly easy it is to plummet right back into that darkness.

"a drink" is all it takes.

I wish you strength and joy as you shake off that haze and step back into the light of sobriety that - having had 5 years - you know is brilliant and wonderful by comparison.

AA and God.... I know what you mean. It's funny, because I have felt and known a force that I am comfortable calling Spirit at work in my life a few times.

Yet even though I've personally known that force - the word "God" conjures up immediate resistance for me. Yet I have opened to it more. I have let down my defenses and my secret fear that I'd be converted somehow into a scripture-quoting automaton by the Christian masses or otherwise allow my own views on spirituality to be abandoned to the rote-recitation approach that I have experienced in churches in my past.

But that hasn't happened. I've become more willing and able to hear "God" and equate that to what I know and can relate to about Spirit. Sometimes, I can hear "God" and simply see that as the powerful force that exists in my fellows in recovery.... the people here on SR and in the rooms and my friends who have also chosen sobriety. That, itself, a power greater than myself. That, itself, a manifestation of the energy that creates and powers life. If you question that there is a power that creates life.... look into the eyes of an infant.

To me, there is no question whether there is a Life Force that moves in all things. That's enough for me. And when I've opened myself just enough to let that in... to let the possibility that I can connect with that life force in a positive way that can help me stay sober.... that has been enough.

And the support and connection that I've found in the rooms since allowing that in has been tremendous in my ability to honor my choice of sobriety.

I hope that you'll find your own path toward opening that door at least a little bit. It doesnt have to be scary and it can be on your own terms.... and it can make all the difference.

KateL

Hi Saille xxxx

Saille

Thanks so much for your responses, guys – you really are helping me.

Thanks, MythOfSisuphus and KateL =)

SoulSister, I have started reading the book again. Maybe I will have fresh perspective this time around, like you said. I am trying to “get into” the bible, too. I have found meetings near me. Not ready to go yet (I am not at all a “sharer” or talker), but I think that is a start. I have also found online meetings I can attend. I’m searching other non-AA methods, too … just gotta find whatever works. 'Let them help' … yes, I have a problem with letting others help me. I’ve fended for myself most of my life. It is hard to let other people help me, but I am trying.

FreeOwl, I wish someone had said all that you said to me when I first tried to get sober. The more I read here, the more I find that people DO go through this same struggle – I thought it was just me. I had a sponsor for a while; we used the AA room as the 'power' at the start of my recovery. I’m still, to this day, not sure I ‘got’ it. We used 'nature' in the end, because I do have an affinity for nature - respect, reverence, etc. I wanted to be honest; didn’t want to be going down a path I didn’t fully accept, understand or belong to. Didn’t want to abandon my own beliefs. Thanks so much – your reply really gave me hope.

Thanks to you all. Good to be here.