PinotNOmore

Friends, I've come to a conclusion. I am totally, completely stuck in what I think is the bargaining phase of what I've been told are the 5 stages of grief/ loss.

On a positive note, I went to the meeting on Tuesday. Got up the courage to tell a little of my story (I assume it usually takes some sort of courage to tell a large group of people what is going on...) And everyone was very welcoming and supportive. I even got a few numbers handed to me which the old me may have just tossed, but this time I saved the numbers in my phone. Progress I guess.

I stayed after the meeting and talked to a few others and everyone is so open and helpful. I can really see the program working for me.......... IF I wasn't so gosh darn stuck in this bargaining bulls**t. After the meeting I felt good, but within an hour I had bargained with myself that I could get some wine. Con: I bought the wine. Pro: I dumped out the bottle after just 2 glasses. Swore I wouldn't drink today and then repeated the same exact thing, with two glasses, (my last over 2 hours ago) the dumped the rest. I keep coming up with such AMAZING reasons and excuses that even I can't argue with them.

So, I am def going back to another meeting. I even asked to make sure that the God thing isn't too much of a core thing, because that worried me a bit, and although I do believe, I'm not into it being "preached" to me. I was told it didn't have to be a part of it if I didn't wan't it to be.

So, I guess my question tonight, (one of many) is: How long were you stuck in the bargaining stage after you realized there was a problem?? Like, if you had to be completely honest?? And how did you move to the next step of acceptance? I've never had any major consequences of my drinking ( and I'm talking MAJOR, as I've had my fair share of consequences, don't get me wrong!) and would really love to escape that path if at all possible, but I am wondering if it's possible to quit, without hitting rock bottom exactly... Does that make sense?

As always, I appreciate all your responses and time!

ScottFromWI

It's absolutely possible to quit before you hit rock bottom. I'd recommend continuing meetings and spending a lot more time here. You will need to figure out for yourself how to get over the rut and take responsibility for quitting. Your history suggests that you won't do that on your own, which was the case for many of us too. Make a concerted effort and you might be surprised at the results.

ontherightpath

PNM, I love how you worded that post. Bargaining.... I continue to do it. I am sober today. I wasnt last night. And for all the intricate analyzing that we do, I just know that i have 24 hours behind me, and I am trying not to beat myself up. I did an online aa meeting tonight, will go to a face to face meeting tomorrow. And I will work harder on putting sobriety on the front burner. I have been really trying, and failing for almost a year and a half.

MythOfSisyphus

PinotNoMore, you really seem to have finally "got" it! I was stuck in the bargaining stage for at least ten years, maybe longer. Letting go of that was like jumping out of a plane having only a few minutes instruction on operating a parachute. But laying that burden down took a thousand pounds off my shoulders.

That's why I believe I will succeed and stay sober, forever. Because I genuinely, completely understand the only alternative I have.

No, Pinot- you don't need to hit rock bottom. You just need to see the facts that are smacking you in the face!

yeahgr8

No you don't have to hit rock bottom, I am working with someone in AA at the moment who is starting the steps and willing to change. You do have to recognise that you have to do more work on becoming willing to change than someone who has hit rock bottom though.

Treerat66

Rock bottoms are all different. My rock bottom was realising I didn't have the mental strength to refuse a bottle of beer. Looking back on my drinking, you could pick any one of many times you would have thought I would realise I had a problem. But after telling myself I wouldn't drink and then falling at the first hurdle, that was it.

My name is Andy and I am an alcoholic.

Nonsensical

Yes, but I found it easy to convince myself there was some way to continue drinking without all those darn negative consequences. Instead of accepting reality I wasted more time than necessary trying to be more clever than my addiction. Rather like playing tennis against a wall, thinking one day you'll win.

Addictions can't be bargained with. They can't be educated. They can't be reasoned with. They don't know compassion or fear or mercy. They have no inhibitions; no ability to make rational judgments. You can't negotiate with an addiction.

Addictions must be starved.

savarna

Nonsensical is right it needs to be starved our addiction , the more it's fed the stronger and worse it gets alcoholism is progressive gets worse with time and that's when u see the YETS things that are yet to happen start happening like jail DUI car accidents etc . No one has to hit rock bottom but most people rarely do permanently get sober if they do hit some sort of rock bottom the aa books even say this, but everyone's rock bottom is different , my rock bottom is my 5 year old asing me the next morning after I drank why mummy acted so different last night , omg it shattered me , sobriety comes first now before anything else and it takes dedication and strength

freethinking

During my last bender, I think I wanted to stop drinking for 2 whole weeks before I actually stopped. Just keep going to meetings, and you will have your "ah-ha" moment where you decide to put it down for good. Don't be discouraged, keep trying.

dwtbd

PinotNOmore
You sound like you are actually in a good place. Maybe not stuck but at least a holding pattern, forward is the goal, right?

I think you have decided alcohol consumption is a negative for your life and happiness. Take this idea and integrate it with all facets of your life. Step back and ask if you shoud be bargaining with a negative, accepting even a little negative is not a net gain.

Don't grieve the 'loss' of a negative. You got this

wish you well

GracieLou

This comment made me think of this.

Anna

I was stuck in the bargaining phase for over a year.

And, in that year, things got worse and worse very quickly.

The bargaining phase ended when my family promised to leave if I didn't stop drinking and my health was really a mess.

least

I was stuck in an endless loop of bargaining myself into drinking. It wasn't until I took drinking OFF THE TABLE as an option and realized I couldn't have even one drink. When I got to the stage where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, then I was able to stay sober.

KimsFriend

I have been in the bargaining phase for years now. This is my first "real" attempt at staying sober. It's crazy how convincing those voices in my head can be.
But if I want to move forward I must stick with sobriety. I have to.