frenchdressing

Despite the fact that I have made the decision to stop drinking, I came home today after a wonderful crafting trip with my mom, to find my partner out with his buds drinking, smoking weed, etc. I realize that I have to own my own sobriety regardless of others, but why is it so frustrating that he can and I can't? No excuses here -- but when I tried to quit smoking he still inhaled like a chimney. Now that I'm putting all my mental and physical efforts in to not knocking back some cold ones, I feel slighted that he's out doing what we used to do, and I'm here with cold dinner meant for both of us while he's inebriated?

I'm sure this is normal, and doesn't negate my willingness to keep on, but I'm actually angry. Am I thinking like a selfish jerk here? How can I challenge these thoughts? I don't want to appear holier than thou with my efforts to stay drink-free, but I'm super frustrated. Argh.

sugarbear1

those are natural feelings for a newly sober person to have.

if YOU have a problem, take care of YOUR problem and know you are doing the best you can for you!!!

I have no real experience with what you are going through, but if you can't drink, don't. Everything else might work out well in time. Know that you are doing a fabulous job at staying stopped!

FeelingGreat

Hi FD, try to separate the drinking from the bad manners. He has the right to go out with his mates for a drink, but it seems rude to let you cook dinner and just not turn up, if that's what happened. I suppose drinking out is better than at home in front of you.
Are you annoyed he's out having a good time and you can't participate? I can understand it's frustrating, but it's not exactly the drinking, it's the fun?
You could arrange some outings for yourself with him or with friends. Try to be prepared to let him go out without you now and then. If it's too often, or he's avoiding responsibility at home, address that rather than the drinking.
PS - it seems compulsory for smokers to sabotage those trying to quit.

Ruby2

I can understand. It is normal to feel this way. My husband kept on drinking and using despite me quitting. It was a lot of temptation but in many ways anger with him fueled my determination to stay stopped. I don't know whether I could have continued sober if I had not kicked him out of the house on his last truly outrageous binge - he went out partying on Christmas Eve and didn't bother coming home the next day.

My situation might be slightly different than yours. My husband and I both had a good stretch of sobriety before August last year when he relapsed and then I followed. Ultimately our situations are the same. We both want sobriety. You may find that you need time apart from your boyfriend to work on your own sobriety. For your own peace of mind.

At some point you may find that you can be around people who are drinking and like to drink but it is rough in the beginning. Eventually too you may need to evaluate whether or not you wish to continue to remain with your boyfriend if he continues to drink. Stay strong. No decisions need to be made today. It is all one day at a time. You are doing ok if you just got angry over his drinking and didn't drink yourself.

frenchdressing

Thanks everyone for the calming advice. I was also able to reach my mom and chat with her while he's out on a binge. She totally gets the whole situation. The problem I'm also dealing with is a lack of empathy on his part. He has had serious issues with drinking himself, and one day he'll get it I suppose, but while I'm trying to maneuver in this new world of sobriety, it's hard that I feel like I'm alone at least in my relationship to him. I certainly don't have a problem with him going out for a few drinks with his pals, but when it turns into debauchery, and I'm struggling in this new land of life sans drinking, it smells of hypocrisy, and discounting my feelings.

FeelingGreat

I know it's hard and frustrating, but just because you've reached the point where you want to quit doesn't assume he's reached it, or ever will.
Try to concentrate on yourself for now. Later you'll need to evaluate your relationship if you're sober and he's a heavy drinker.
If he's absent from your marriage maybe that's what you should address with him.

MesaMan

Good Counsel above.

I'm going it alone with a Drinking/Pot Smoking Wife. Week 10 for me tomorrow. She has made sincere effort to moderate [over]indulgence around me, and this is greatly appreciated. Her 3 closest Gal Pals are all Certified Bingers and Codies. They occasionally hit it to the point of snoring Blackouts. Champagne and Pot. Vodka and Pot. I can live with [and escape from] that which is 'occasional'. A significant personal breakthrough gained here at SR is the realization that I can't change anyone but moi. Humbling.

I have the luxury of separate Quarters to 'evacuate' to [a separate lil Guest 'Cabin' or a lil Trailer], and have developed Binger Escape Plans for various Scenarios at Home when it all gets too debauched. I also put ~12 el cheapo Motel Phone Numbers into my Cell just as backup. Can't be affected much if I'm not there. This is my way to 'take back' and own/control my situation. Otherwise, I'm letting Drunks determine my Reality. That really hacked me off during early Sobriety transition. Free at last.

Bars are fine by me. Dinners thus far with Drinkers are just 'OK'; not any fun fest yet unless they're moderate Drinkers. That is a real treat these days; to hang with Moderates or non-Drinkers. So long as my overall Social Circle includes some Moderates, I find I can cope much better. I also start clearing Dishes sometimes just to stay busy and act the accommodating Host while the Wine gets refilled nonstop. No longings or cravings, really. Just having to put effort into what used to be effortless Evenings during which everyone got really effed up. O'Well...

Once I realized I don't have to be stuck tolerating anything, the World opened up and the resentment largely evaporated.

I don't expect much empathy or understanding, so I'm not disappointed in the lack thereof. Like any other epiphany or breakthrough in Life, one often ultimately copes alone. I absolutely do not mean this as any 'woe is me' attitude. It's an individual Journey, and I'm actually enjoying owning 100 dot zero percent of it.

I doubt you'll get much empathy or Behavioral change from your Mate. Only you can change inside and accept that kinda-sucko Reality. It's liberating if/when you can. Or, as wisely suggested above, consider changing it down the Road. I plan to cope somehow.

It does get easier over the weeks. Pretty quickly, in my case. Keep the Faith and find some Moderates to hang with.

Anna

I hope you can continue to focus on yourself and your recovery.

least

As frustrating as it may be, you can only control yourself and your actions. Focus on yourself. Maybe he'll see how good your sobriety is and want it for himself.

Holli

I hear ya. My husband is in the kitchen drinking beer and making dinner for family. I am here checking in with SR and trying to find peace with the situation. I have been mostly successful on that front. Chocolate helps. :-)

Hevyn

Hi french. I'd be feeling very resentful too, but I agree that you have to concentrate on your own recovery. As least said, maybe eventually he'll come around and want what you have. Regardless, I'm glad you wanted to discuss it here! That's what the forums are for - we're never alone with our struggles.

Other than the frustration of his actions - you sound very upbeat and happy about your decision. Never give up.

frenchdressing

What a wonderful group of supporters - I thank you from not the bottle-of-a-bottle, but from the bottom of my heart. Unfortunately however, last night ended in one of the worst ways possible. I had hoped I could resolve some of my frustrations and hurt feelings with my bf the following day vs. when he came home after a long night of heavy drinking. Newton's Law proved too much for any hopes of civil conflict resolution. Instead, I received the brunt end of his anger, and as a result, a split lip and some bruises. I hate to sound victim-like, but it was like I suddenly found myself in a Lifetime movie.

This has never happened to me before. Subsequently, my mom retrieved me from the situation, and now I am at my parent's home, hitting ignore on my phone due the barrage of "I'm Sorries."

Despite the ugly outcome of all this, I can find many positives in the support of my family, the fact that I WAS sober and didn't stoop to his level, we have no children, aren't married, and I have a much easier out than some in this familiar position.

I shall keep the "progress" going and feel stronger than ever, albeit a bit banged up. Thanks everyone.