AuntieSoso

Until I got to a certain point in your post, I wondered if you were a friend that I just broke up with.

I don't know you, and clearly I've missed something that's gone on here because I am totally befuddled by your post, but I can say some things about my friend from the other side of it, because really I thought you could be her.

I would ask you, since you post that you seem to **** people off, how you treat people? Looking back over the years of my friendship, I saw many instances of someone who did and said many things to hurt me. I think she liked me because I presented myself as "easy to get along with" but really I didn't call her on her ****. So, yes, I was easy to get along with. But in the meantime, she insulted me and my family, argued with me over countless things, always had to be right, blamed everyone else for whatever problem she was having (yet refused to see the part she played in any situation), treated her husband poorly (belittled him, badgered him, "emasculated" him, bossed him around, etc.), was not sensitive to others' pain and situations, talked over people, turned every conversation around to focus on her, and on and on and on.

People don't like her. I made excuses for liking her, but really looking back on it I think I felt sorry for her and the crap she went through in her life. She claims that she doesn't care and that she likes herself, yet I doubt that based on her behaviors.

So I would ask you - how do you treat people? Can you look at yourself and the role you play in this situation of people not liking you for who you are? Maybe they don't like you for who you are because maybe you don't treat them well. Maybe you are rude. Maybe you are selfish. Maybe you are insulting. I don't know - like I said, I have no idea who you are. I can only speak to my experiences with someone who sounds a lot like you. The person I mention just doesn't get it. And when people have tried to call her out on her BS, they get the boot and then they are labeled as "crazy".

My point in saying all this isn't to be snarky, really. But to suggest that you really take a look at yourself and the part you play in this situation. Perhaps working with a therapist would be helpful?

Gibbons2

Until I got to a certain point in your post, I wondered if you were a friend that I just broke up with.

I don't know you, and clearly I've missed something that's gone on here because I am totally befuddled by your post, but I can say some things about my friend from the other side of it, because really I thought you could be her.

I would ask you, since you post that you seem to **** people off, how you treat people? Looking back over the years of my friendship, I saw many instances of someone who did and said many things to hurt me. I think she liked me because I presented myself as "easy to get along with" but really I didn't call her on her ****. So, yes, I was easy to get along with. But in the meantime, she insulted me and my family, argued with me over countless things, always had to be right, blamed everyone else for whatever problem she was having (yet refused to see the part she played in any situation), treated her husband poorly (belittled him, badgered him, "emasculated" him, bossed him around, etc.), was not sensitive to others' pain and situations, talked over people, turned every conversation around to focus on her, and on and on and on.

People don't like her. I made excuses for liking her, but really looking back on it I think I felt sorry for her and the crap she went through in her life. She claims that she doesn't care and that she likes herself, yet I doubt that based on her behaviors.

So I would ask you - how do you treat people? Can you look at yourself and the role you play in this situation of people not liking you for who you are? Maybe they don't like you for who you are because maybe you don't treat them well. Maybe you are rude. Maybe you are selfish. Maybe you are insulting. I don't know - like I said, I have no idea who you are. I can only speak to my experiences with someone who sounds a lot like you. The person I mention just doesn't get it. And when people have tried to call her out on her BS, they get the boot and then they are labeled as "crazy".

My point in saying all this isn't to be snarky, really. But to suggest that you really take a look at yourself and the part you play in this situation. Perhaps working with a therapist would be helpful?

Auntie, ummmmmmmmmm no. LOL. Quite funny, really to read your post. I sound like your selfish friend? Really?

Here is who I am: I pay my bills on time. Always. My ex BF set up a new computer for me, called me the other day wanting the money and I don't have it yet. I PROMISED him I will pay him when I have it. Did I forget? Of course not! The bill sits on the kitchen table and I will pay him once someone (I am trying to start my own business here) pays me. I offered to take money out of savings to pay him if he really needed it. He said don't worry about it, yet said if the situation was flipped, I would call him sooner. I said, "yes, that is true, but I am poorer than you are and would need the money sooner." (very much true). Is it his fault I am poor. No! And I WILL take it out of savings if I have to, if that would make him trust me more, or whatever.

Think of me? Huh? LOL. While I admit to not being Miss Social, for those in my life, for those I love, for my dog, any of my exs, for my mother, if I could do anymore for them,I don't know what it would be.

I would leave my job in the middle of the day to run my Dad to a Drs. appt. I even asked if my middle sister could do it once in a while, she, not even EMPLOYED, couldn't even show up in time, but I did. I did. Always did. Always will. She took my Dad to an appt. ONCE and showed up late and after that Mom and Dad didn't want her to do it anymore. So I did. Even if it took time away from my job (and keep in mind she is a housewife and has tons of spare time on her hands and I wasn't asking her to do it all the time, just once in a while), I DID.

I could bend over backwards to next Christmas for everyone and it is never enough. Me? Selfish? I can't seem to do enough for all of you. I try, and try, and try, and yes, for my family, I am the stupid, "little slave." I will do what you want because I love you and nothing more. Because I am supposed to, just like paying my bills. Because it is an obligation.

I drained $6,000 out of my savings account for the ex and the house fire. I LITERALLY worked pulling apart the attic until my hands bled, but it STILL wasn't enough to make him love me. I AM STILL ON MY OWN.

So now my grand question is, if what I do isn't enough for all you people, you tell me how to get someone to love me without having to just "do my own thing" and not care about your reactions or feel like I need it from all of you?

Gibbons2

So me selfish? LOL. Not even close. I couldn't try any harder. I couldn't call my EX more and want to get back together. I couldn't call my mother more and want to see how she is. I couldn't drive her any more places that would make me any better. I couldn't drain more money out of my bank account and wonder why my efforts weren't enough. I couldn't talk to my neighbor guy, who yes, is an alcoholic, and wonder why in all the time we have been friends, he is going to a casino with someone else (except that we ARE friends, which is what I want and we are talking about a man who is 20 years older than me).

I couldn't be more respectful, more honest, more nice to all of you, the only difference being is that if I don't think I can do it (and nine times out of ten, that is true), I stay here by myself, lonely. If I cannot do for you want is decent, right, true, honest, trustworthy, and good, I won't have you as a friend.

But if you KNEW me? Drunk or no, I am someone who would bend over backwards, I guess, just HOPING, that of all the times I called you, MAYBE you would call me back.

ontherightpath

Very powerful read Gibbons. You appear quite angry at everyone and everything. What works for me is to not have expectations. I stopped expecting other people to do things because I do something for them. If I do or say something, its because I want to do the next right thing. Repeat the serenity prayer... ... accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference. That prayer is powerful and can be very llife changing, when applied to all areas of life. For me, Drinking is a symptom.....

Findmyhappy

I can actually relate to you on the trauma aspect. I have let me past control how I feel about people (men mostly) as a whole. And while there are plenty of ****** people out there, there are plenty that just want to support you and see you succeed, message board or not. I think the one thing I've really learned is that it is possible for you to be happy and even though things will happen along the way that you can't control, you can make a happy peaceful life for yourself where other peoples stupidity won't even bother you. I look at my trauma now in a way where I can say, no matter what happens to me at this point, I'm gonna be OK! But with that said, it's my responsibility to do everything I can to make my world a more positive and peaceful place. I applaud you for reaching out.

jkb

I truly hope you sober up and start seeing that "perception is reality". I used to perceive that the world was eagerly "out to get me" when I drank. When I quit drinking I no longer viewed things in this way and hence my reality became a happier place.

Good luck and lots of hugs,

Jess

AuntieSoso

Well, like I said, I don't know you, but your reply sounds exactly like something she would write. All I can say is that if you have the same problems with multiple people, at some point you have to find the common denominator. It is hard to do, but a good look in the mirror to see what role you play (with a therapist) could help. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. I hope you can find happiness and peace from within - it won't come from other people, no matter how much you do for them.

This topic is an excellent opportunity for me to now sit on my itchy fingers, learn and move on, so thanks. And best of luck to you.

Jade1224

I am sorry you feel this way Gibbons and I know you are in pain from a lot of injustices that has happened to you. I think Auntiesoso is right. You have to find peace and happiness from within and stop thinking about what others are bringing you. If these people are poison in your life then cut them loose. You don't need anything bringing you down.

You sound very angry and I hope that one day you will learn to let things go.

SeekingGrowth

I think that often, how one perceives and experiences the world reflects how one perceives oneself. If you don't love yourself, if deep down you don't think you're good enough to be cared for and loved, then you often struggle to feel loved by other people. At some unconscious level, you project out into the world your own belief about yourself - that you are unlovable - and that influences how other people react to you. It also makes you inclined to interpret reactions of other people towards you as rejection, even if no rejection is intended. It makes you view behavior of people towards you in a very self-focused way, thinking it's about you and a message of how little they care for you, rather than recognizing that it may have nothing to do with you. As you might guess, I speak from personal experience here.

The fact that you feel compelled to go out of your way to "do for" other people to such a great degree supports the idea that you do not think you are good enough, on your own merit. I don't think you can "buy" love by serving, such that the more you give, the more you deserve to be loved - people either love you or don't love you just because you are you, and this is influenced by their own needs and what they are going through at the time.

I think that the more one tries to capture love by doing for others, the more one expects/demands from those others. You are resentful because you are doing so much for others and not getting certain treatment/services from them in return. So this tells me that you do things for others as part of an unspoken bargain that they know nothing about. Your service to others is not unconditional - you are "doing for" others in the expectation that they will behave in a certain way towards you. Your service orientation is not just a part of who you are - it is your fulfillment of a deal that you have decided exists but has never been discussed with the other party. It's no wonder that you find yourself disappointed again and again as those others don't fulfill their part of the bargain that they knew nothing about.

Last thought - I think an antidote to this problem is to stop focusing so much attention and effort on getting love from others, and to instead focus inward and to work on cultivating love of self. Identify the things about you that you love, do nice things for yourself, savor the simple pleasures, and be gentle and kind with yourself. I think that if a person can successfully develop a healthy love of self, that self-love is reflected out into the world. Your demeanor and behavior communicates that you are worthy and lovable. Also, it becomes easier to let hurtful behavior of others roll off you because you are not so desperate for external validation of your "lovable-ness" when you have developed the ability to give that validation to yourself. You become able to recognize that the person's reaction to you is about THEM and whatever issues THEY are dealing with on their journey, rather than a pronouncement of YOUR value and lovable-ness as a person.

Hope this is helpful!