Newcomer... For about the 8th Time
 

While I have been a member of the site for over a year now, I'm ashamed to admit I still haven't kicked the habit. I can do one night without alcohol, but then night 2 sends me speeding to the liquor store.

And now it has reached a fever pitch. I have been given "verbal notice" at work that my performance needs to improve or I will be terminated. This really wasn't a surprise as I really dislike my current position, so I have applied to places and have gotten two interviews with promising results but that just makes my anxiety worse (did I mention I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and depression?). So the only way I have learned to cope is by drinking.

Now I'm even more fearful because with new employment comes the obligatory drug and alcohol test and I'm afraid that I may be offered a position, give notice at my job now, then get told they are taking back the offer due to alcohol in my system and I'm off to the unemployment line.

I have been very open with my doctor about my alcoholism and he has prescribed me clonazepam to quiet the constant stream of thoughts in my head, but that wasn't enough to get me to stop. So he upped the ante and prescribed me Antabuse. This scares the hell out of me. I filled the prescription but it still sits in the medicine cabinet because I fear that I'm not centered or strong enough to not drink.

I only drink at night, and when I try not to, my anxiety just goes out of control and all I can think about is drinking to take away the negative feelings. I don't mix benzos and booze, and given the choice, I go straight for the booze. I just don't know how to sit and "be" if that makes any sense.

I want so much to stop, but I've really backed myself into a corner here. You'd think my present employment situation would be enough for me to make a change but it isn't.

So to wrap up the rant, has anyone ever had a similar experience? Taken Antabuse even though it scared you to death? Found ways to occupy your time so alcohol doesn't interrupt your life? My thoughts are just everywhere at the moment so I would appreciate any input.

welcome....

have you considered AA or an outpatient program?

Sounds to me like you've got a strong kernel of desire to stop, but perhaps lack the tools and structure and support to make that desire a reality.

Can you go to a detox for 3 or 4 days in between jobs? Sounds like getting off the sauce is part of the problem.

I was prescribed Antabuse and when I wanted to drink, I stopped taking it. I take naltrexone for alcohol cravings.

I go to aa, work the steps with a sponsor, go to therapy, and DBT therapy.

Welcome xxx

I'm glad you're back trying again. :) I would also recommend detoxing safely so you can start living sober. There are ways to help you detox safely and more comfortably than just going cold turkey. Ask your doctor for help in getting sober.

I've never taken antabuse tho if I had I would have been afraid to drink due to the horrible reaction.

I'm no doctor, but I speak from experience. I bet your anxiety is due to your drinking - that is, withdrawal. You think it helps, but it actually makes it worse.

I had a period in life when I was constantly anxious...life was hell! I'd drink at night and then in the day I would feel anxious until I could drink again at night. It's a cycle. I had always thought my alcohol intake was pretty normal - I was rarely getting blitzed, but I was still drinking to excess. It wasn't normal.

It took a few weeks after making my changes, but I noticed that the anxiety went away. Of course, I have stress...everyone does, but it's much easier.

Well done for keeping coming back!

I don't know if you've tried this, but do you have any meditation groups near you? That might help calm the mind and then teach you how to find that place of calmness in everyday life.

Be happy. Be at peace. Be well.

comingoutsober, I don't have any experience with Antabuse, but I have been prescribed meds for anxiety. In my experience, the racing thoughts and anxiety were always worst after a night of heavy drinking. In the few months that I have been sober, my anxiety issues have dramatically improved. You may find the same to be true, especially if you can get string together more sober days.

It also seems to me that you are standing at the edge of a big hole and the ground is giving way around you. You know that if you do nothing, or keep doing what you are doing, the outcome will not be good. You can wait until you slide into the hole and see if you are still able to crawl your way out.

Or you can step back from the hole.

Good luck. I am pulling for you.

Im sorry you are having such a hard time...all I can say is you really have to concentrate on not drinking, are you strong enough to start a new job at the moment? You will surely lose it if they randomly test you. I have been through that and resigned in the end as I was getting tested and I couldnt stop drinking. If you are drinking your liver enzymes may be up, so just going a few days without alcohol wont do the trick. I have also taken antebuse and drank, dont do it, I was very ill...can you take some time off work to try and tackle your problems?

Keep posting and reading on here, it really did help to centre me when my thoughts turned to drink. You can do it, but you need time and a break to start to heal yourself. Take care x

Glad you are back! I would go back to your doctor if I were you. I got prescribed Ativan for the first few days and it worked for the anxiety. Speak honestly with your doc. If you keep drinking after detox specially with medication that make you sick, You need more help to find the root cause.

You can do this. If you let finance kick into this negatively, like loosing a job, well you know it's downhill from there. Interviews are good, but I think moving the problem around is not a good idea.

Trying to help you here, but you know what the problem is, not the job, not anything else other than the poison.

Gather up your strength, speak to your doc, and get this sobriety train moving ;-)

All the best!!

take proper professional help it will help u cure withdrawals if any help u fight anxiety and insomina and try to concentrate on recovery no not indulge in anythingh that can worry u and goto aa meetings if u habve worries talk to them seek help from senior members i too do the same

I think this test is just for drugs. I took it and was drinking like a fish at that time and nobody said a thing. Of course I wasn't under the influence when I gave the blood sample.

Obviously I'm not saying you should keep on drinking...

Please don't be ashamed - we're all happy you came back. I hope some of the suggestions will help. Never give up. :hug:

Welcome back comingoutsober :)
Some good advice here - does any of it sounds like something you'd be amenable to?

D

Quite a bit actually. I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for responding and giving their insights. The thought of a detox program scares me as much as Antabuse does (anxiety disorders complicate everything). I have been completely honest with my doctor but I just think he is ill equipped to deal with my issues-- he is more of an MD than a Psy D.

I don't think it's so much that I'm physically dependent on alcohol but emotionally. I know I can stop drinking if I "have a good enough reason" for the next day (as if physical and emotional wellness aren't good enough reasons). I never need a drink in the morning and if I really focus I don't drink that night (or the next, etc.). The crux of the issue is my self esteem. My doctor asked me once "do you like yourself?" and holding back tears, I honestly answered "not really" and went on to explain that I've never really lived for myself but rather for others and how I should be; in the eyes of my parents, of society, of complete strangers. This task is so daunting that I just choose to turn it off with alcohol.

My mom is a recovering alcoholic of 10 years and she said the same thing. For her, alcohol was an escape, a way to detach from the world. She has given me some good insight on how to tackle the issue. She has told me about some transcendental meditation techniques that I have started and they seem to help.

Forever, I was against AA (mostly because my mom was in her recovery experience) but more and more I'm thinking that AA would be a valuable tool for me. I think it has gotten so bad because I finally came to terms with the fact that I am gay and came out a couple years ago but have been terrified to move beyond that because social interaction and relationships scare me so much. Only the people closest to me (or those the least close to me) know that I'm gay. I have chosen to remain static in my life but now the repercussions are catching up with me.

I know alcohol is a poison and that it makes my emotional issues worse, but the mid-brain is winning the fight against the frontal lobe at the moment.

I think tomorrow I will contact a more qualified counselor (while I still have insurance...) and start to really grapple with my issues. And I will definitely seek an AA group that is near me. I need to do something to achieve the life that I really want.

Thanks again for all of your input and I will keep you posted through my journey.

page 30 in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, begins a chapter called "More About Alcoholism"

I wish you the best of luck, professional help will undoubtedly help.

Be careful thinking you dont need alcohol physically, I was like that for a long time but it creeps up on you, if youre emotionally addicted youre still addicted. As long as you drink nothing will change, but you know that.

Let us know how you get on x

I'll back Toddle up on this...for me the physical addiction was over in weeks...the mental addiction/obsession was a much longer, fiercely fought battle.

I think it's especially so if you feel you still have some degree of control, in certain situations...an addicted mind can do amazing mental gymnastics with a belief like that....do be careful :)

D