trialanderror

Hello

New to the site here... have spent the past year or so reading through a lot of other peoples experiences...to the point that I have memorized most of them. I have been on pills for about 2 years now, off and mostly on. I am a single full time working mother and also am enrolled in school on-line. I stay on pills bc they help me concentrate and give me motivation to get stuff done. I am to the point now that if I dont have any I will say "I will do that when I have some pills" about something as simple as the dishes or laundry. I need my motivation back. I have been a mother for almost ten years and did not used to need the pills like this...I know somewhere inside me is the self motivated smart lady that I used to be. I can feel myself becoming less intelligent also...sounds crazy I know but I just mean more moments when I have to reeeally strain myself to remember something simple. It has to be the pills. Without them I dont want to eat, communicate, work, can't sleep, and everything just feels really hopeless. I cry a lot the 2nd day without pills and my body just feels miserable until I take a pain pill. Right now, I am on a 15mg adderall and it is only day 1 without pain meds and I feel ok. Aggitated a bit but I am moving around and not hurting. But I have been here before and I know that it is always day 3 and 4 that are the worst. I am just here for some support or advice. I want my life to be mine again.

Anna

I'm glad you posted and that you know you need to make a big change in your life.

Addiction does cause us to lose ourselves, no question about that.

I hope that you hang in there and get through the next few days.

Dee74

Hi and welcome trialanderror

Read around and post as much as you like - there's a lot of support here

We have a Class of March support thread you may be interested in
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-5-a-7.html

and a substance abuse forum as well
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

trialanderror

Thanks Anna and Dee,

I will make use of the information and support on this site as much as possible during the next few days.
It feels great that at least someone knows what I'm going through.
I have told nobody in my life about the problem.
My ex-boyfriend found out about it and then I quit for a while -
we got back together and I started up again.
I broke up with him before he had a chance to figure out I was doing it again.
I gave all kinds of reasons for breaking up at the time
but now that I am somewhat clear minded, at least off of the pills,
I think that my addiction and not wanting him to find it may have had a lot to do with everything. I miss him like crazy now... he was with me throughout everything the last time I quit, which actually lasted about a month before I made another excuse to do it again 'just this once' because "why not?... I have the money and who am i really hurting"? 'MYSELF that's who' is what I want to scream at my former self.

Anyways... rambled on a bit but seriously appreciate your kind words. Am hoping that even trying to 'impress' some strangers with my strength to refrain from those evil pills will be some sort of motivation. When I feel the urge I can think to myself how much it will suck to have to tell 'Anna' and 'Dee' that I gave in... that I caved... and that I doubted my own instincts that told me that those pills are leading me to a life full of regret and despair when I have plenty of beauty, happiness and love (even if I don't have a man right now - and not to brag but I could have plenty if I wanted one, but I receive tons from my young child - and that deserves to be protected) at stake.

I am sorry if I seem vague... I have given only a very brief description of myself and my problems out of fear that someone I know may recognize this as me. Heck, they could even recognize the voice behind these typed words as yours truly.
But I had to take the risk and put myself out there...
I have tried it alone and every time have failed.
PLEASE let this site be my answer.
I feel like I am struggling to save my own life everyday
as I count my pills, plan the week, worry about my bills and call my dealer.
THAT IS NOT ME! I am better than that.
I had a child at a young age and put my middle finger in the face of every single person who said I would mess it up. And you know what, I haven't. Not yet.
But I am walking a thin line - and even though I know what happens if I fall - I trick myself into thinking it is the pills that give me balance...
but it is the pills that create the thin line to begin with. Without them, I wouldn't need balance - I wouldn't need to be perfect - I could be me.
I used to be happy.
I haven't been truly happy for so long -
but when I take a pill they make me FEEL like I am happy.
Warmth and excitement.
When I stop, I can't find this feeling.
I KNOW I have SO much to be happy about, I am proud of the life I have built.
But it's like taking these pills for so long has burned a hole in my soul where I used to keep all my 'happy'.
So my biggest question to anyone who has gone through this before... CAN I EVER GET MY 'HAPPY' BACK... and if so, how long does it take and how did you convince yourself in the meantime that you WILL be happy again without your poison?
I guess I have conditioned myself for instant gratification and I need to wise up and accept that the REALLY great things in life take time.
(You see, as I said I KNOW a lot of things that SHOULD make me happy...
but these motivational phrases I'm blurting out to you all just don't come when I am crying on the bathroom floor...
but I did just notice that blurting it all out feels really great...
maybe I should start a journal, but don't be surprised if I use this as one for now).
Thanks again for your kind words.

Once I get through about a week this physical crappiness will fade & I should start eating and sleeping again, and I may stop using this site...
but that is just when I will need you guys the most
because once I am off of it for a while I convince myself that since I am clean now
I must not have been that addicted, so I can do it again... and again... and again.
So I will try real hard to stick around well after I think I am in the clear...
(BECAUSE THIS TIME I WILL BE!)
And who knows, maybe, I can then be one of You guys...helping another young mother talk through her addiction and get her life back.

BoatDaddy

Make the commitment to change and hang in there for the ride. I am pulling for you! The drug is the lie that keeps beating you down every time. Now you "need" the drug to just be even keel. The training starts with day one teaching your body and mind to function without the substance. I like to think of recovery as muscle memory exercise. The same way we "taught" ourself to use drugs or alcohol we need to reverse. It was almost a reflex for me to grab a drink every time I was stressed.

Now that I look back at my experience I needed a drink for almost every social event just to keep me from getting so nervous I shook. Now just work on the repetitions of abstaining from the substance and you will build your strength. We will be here for you and I am pulling for you to succeed... You can do this and you are stronger than you ever imagined!