kiki1988

Ok, it's not like I haven't had sex sober, but in recent years it has only been with someone I had either known for a long time or initially hooked up with drunk.

Not only can I not imagine having sex with someone for the first time sober, I don't know where I'm going to meet someone to have sex with in the first place.

On the list of priorities, this probably shouldn't be high, but it is a genuine concern.

SoulSister

This question might be best asked on the women in recovery forum. Try there and you might get some good advice.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/women-recovery/

kiki1988

Well, I'm interested in men's views too - but if any mod wants to move it no worries.

SoulSister

Oh, not at all! I just meant you might get some better replies on the women in recovery forum.

Nothing wrong with posting here too! I get it.

Dee74

If you want a full spectrum of views there's no need to move it Kiki

D

Paul123456

it should stay here as its also a concern for me too and im male, my girlfriend left me seven years ago when i first fell ill with a anxiety and panic disorder and i cant even imagine meeting someone now and if that miracle did happen then sex is a real concern because its been so long etc. its a horrible feeling and a real problem

FreeOwl

I found this issue to be one that is often-skirted but frankly affects almost everyone in sobriety.

Often our addictions were also linked to certain self-worth issues and became a normal part of most of our sexual experience. Even when we may not have been drinking at the time of having actual sex - if we were active in our addictions, alcohol wasn't far away and was a part of the who we were then.

So when we get sober, lots of anxieties and fears and self doubts can surface and that can play absolute hell with our sexual intimacy.

I've personally found that really talking about those concerns has helped and that taking the time to try and understand what's going on and then being patient and understanding with myself helps. Holding an 'ideal' of how it was - in the long run - really turned out to be a lot like the 'ideal' we sometimes thing we were as the life of the party when in fact we were a boorish jerk.

I've found that sex in sobriety is way better, deeper, more connected and real. But, it's also taken some frustration and confusion and fear and anxiety.

I read a book called "How to Make Love While Conscious: Sex and Sobriety" by Guy Kettlehack which was quite a good and honest look at this issue. You may want to look into it.

Patience, communication with your partner, taking time to understand your own issues, anxieties, fears.....

Weasel1966

I fit this category. I have been without for a few years. I put my sobriety first. But now that i have been sober for some time I would like to restart that part of me. It's one of the biggest issues for me at the moment. Where do I go to meet people.

I can "meet" someone for a quick discreet meeting but being sober also gives me a better sense of self. So to demean myself is not an option. So to actually connect that way is not easy to do.

I am not offering much for a solution but just wanted to say you are not alone. And I am a guy here as well.

hiddenzebra

You're not alone. It is (and has been) a huge issue for me. It's mostly in my head, but that's enough to make things difficult. I also require an emotional connection before "proceeding," and that can be most tasking indeed.

kiki1988

I guess the second part of my question is as important as the first - where do you even meet people?

I know a lot of AAs end up dating each other but I'm 25 and there are very few guys in any of the groups I would consider dating.

And besides, it seems a little introverted.

There must be ways other than bars and online??

FreeOwl

for me... I met people while doing things I enjoyed doing. Sober things, like working out, running races, going to see music, hanging out at the coffee shop, engaging in creative pursuits... living life.

When I stopped really "looking" and just focused on "living" - my path naturally led me to my current, very rewarding, healthy relationship.

FreeOwl

on the other hand, the OP is not the only poster on the forum. This is a topic that is oddly taboo in recovery support circles, so regardless of the 'legitimacy' of the initial query.... the thread's topic will surely be of interest to others and deserves legitimate response.

GreenEggsAndHam

This worried me too (due to body image issues) but it was fun sober. Alcohol reduces sexual sensitivity in both genders.

As for where to meet people - the gym, the park, special interest clubs or groups, enrichment classes, through friends, etc.

It may take longer to meet Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now, but it will be worth it.

digdug

There is a reason why it is suggested to what a significant amount of time (usually a year) before jumping into a new, sexual relationship.

It's hard for the newly sober mind to process questions like these.

Give yourself some time and a break. This will all work itself out.

I'll have a year sober on Friday. I've been dating someone for about 1.5 months and recently had sober sex for the first time since...I can't even remember. But it was fine. I was ready.

Concentrate on yourself now. Good things happen to those who stay sober.

freethinking

OK, I'll probably get slammed here for being sexist - but I am somewhat surprised a woman is posting this! Usually the question for us is where do we meet someone sober.

That being said, I am a firm believer sex is important to any romantic relationship and my advice is that you just fumble through as awkward as it may be. With time, sober sex comes more naturally. I am married, but sex definitely came more easy when I was drunk. Even with my husband I feel awkward at times sober. I still don't believe I'm as good at it sober, but I think most men (or at least my husband) are happy to get it even if the sex isn't superb.

Also, I was single (separated from my husband) for about 1/2 a year so I speak about sober sex from experience. And don't put all the pressure on yourself. Try letting the man take the lead if you feel doubtful in your sober sexual abilities!

aasharon90

I found that if living a recovery program
and there is an emotional, spiritual, honest
bond between both, then the physical part
of the relationship will be present.

Holding hands, a kiss, sitting together,
sharing thoughts, enjoying each others
company, strolling together, all have that
emotional connection.

To me, all of those elements are some
form of a sexual connection or bond shared
by 2 and can be totally fulfilling and satisfying
for a loving relationship.

kiki1988

And I'm surprised that you are the second person to say this. The other one was deleted by mods. Especially since you're a woman.

SERIOUSLY - what is wrong with people?


YES I am concerned about having a sex life.


For a group of people that pride themselves on being nonjudgemental, that sure goes out the window when a GIRL dares to ask about sex.


See, I have gone on dates sober and I have had laughs with guys sober and I have shared romantic moments with guys when I was sober so that is not so much of a concern to me.

But I have NOT had sex sober in quite a while, at least not with anyone new, so it is a concern.

But thanks very much, I will keep my mouth shut and my knees closed from here on regarding this issue.

kiki1988

Just noticed your username is freethinking - that doesn't really seem to be the case.

freethinking

I'm really sorry - you are right, and I didn't mean to offend you. You have every right to have these concerns.

OpioPhobe

Kiki - for what's it's worth I found sober sex to be hands down better than drunk/high sex. It wasn't even close. This is from a male perspective. Even a single drink would taint it in my opinion, because it would dull my senses. Also, alcohol would fog my concentration, and I just thought it was keeping me from experiencing it to the fullest. Other drugs were just as bad or worse than alcohol in ruining the experience. Just my 2 cents.