Having sex sober
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I have a certain amount of faith that with the right person it will be amazing, like most things these days I just can't see the path from here to there. It's just easier not to worry about stretch marks/fat/whether you shaved your legs when you're blind drunk.
Join Date: Aug 2011
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Yes of course the stretch marks and hairy legs are no worry when blind drunk, but neither is anything else. To paraphrase Brene Brown, it is impossible to selectively numb. In other words, one cannot numb out the bad while concurrently feeling the good. I can choose to obliterate the stretch marks with alcohol, but with that goes the nuances of how my partner's skin feels, the intensity of sensations...sight, smell, hearing, touch... all of it is dulled. Dulled senses interfere with a mind blowing orgasm. Just my experience, but it's way better sober. Way.
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Kiki - the whole stretch marks / fat / whether legs were shaved never caused a bad experience in my book. If a guy makes it to the bedroom there is a reason that he is there, and stretch marks are going to be the last thing he is concerned with.
I did have a girl once that was so drunk she puked in my bed and all over me. That was a turn off if there ever was one! I was already out when the sound of retching woke me up and then I got doused. Ugh.
I did have a girl once that was so drunk she puked in my bed and all over me. That was a turn off if there ever was one! I was already out when the sound of retching woke me up and then I got doused. Ugh.
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Originally Posted by OpioPhobe 
I did have a girl once that was so drunk she puked in my bed and all over me. That was a turn off if there ever was one! I was already out when the sound of retching woke me up and then I got doused. Ugh.
Not sexy.
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I think this concern is just as natural and important as any other aspect of life in recovery. Good sex life is one of the most powerful naturally rewarding activities and is known to make people happier and healthier in the long term. In my mind this question has (at least) two components: 1. relationship and 2. sex specifically. Probably most of us in earlier stages of recovery can use some improvement in both. I think many of our issues in these areas are very personal and individual, so probably it's best to approach it that way, honestly addressing where problems and insecurities come from in everyone's case. It's also very different when we try to adjust to sobriety in an already existing relationship or establish new ones from ground zero. In my opinion personal insecurity and discomfort is the best to address first even just in relation to thinking about sex and how we feel about it. This can be harder with a new partner I believe.
Where to meet people. I usually do via shared interests, like to become friends first, establish trust and compatibility etc. Can't see how the quality of sex life could really be high without a quality mental connection, for me at least.
My experience has also been that it's way better sober, it's way richer and real. For those of us with insecurities, I think achieving this requires trust and comfort as important elements.I personally feel lucky in this area because I'm in a satisfying and very open minded long term relationship - one of the few things that alcohol did not manage to destroy...
Where to meet people. I usually do via shared interests, like to become friends first, establish trust and compatibility etc. Can't see how the quality of sex life could really be high without a quality mental connection, for me at least.
My experience has also been that it's way better sober, it's way richer and real. For those of us with insecurities, I think achieving this requires trust and comfort as important elements.I personally feel lucky in this area because I'm in a satisfying and very open minded long term relationship - one of the few things that alcohol did not manage to destroy...
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Strangely i met someone on one of the larger meet up sites , after 2 years sober . 6 months later and things are very nice and a lot of good times have been had
For myself i've given up trying to understand of control such things and squarely leave that to those forces in life greater than myself .
I concentrated on being a well rounded , happy , independent person and have made progress in that direction , then someone was attracted to me .
The thing i'm wary of is using something external to me (drink , drugs , money, cars, sex) to change the way or deal with the way i feel inside .
So nowadays i look to feel the good and glory in life and then celebrate and share the wealth of that i've found in recovery , rather than feeling a paucity and looking for something to fill it .
It might not sound much of a big difference but to me it's an important one .
Bestwishes, m
For myself i've given up trying to understand of control such things and squarely leave that to those forces in life greater than myself .
I concentrated on being a well rounded , happy , independent person and have made progress in that direction , then someone was attracted to me .
The thing i'm wary of is using something external to me (drink , drugs , money, cars, sex) to change the way or deal with the way i feel inside .
So nowadays i look to feel the good and glory in life and then celebrate and share the wealth of that i've found in recovery , rather than feeling a paucity and looking for something to fill it .
It might not sound much of a big difference but to me it's an important one .
Bestwishes, m
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by mecanix
I concentrated on being a well rounded , happy , independent person and have made progress in that direction , then someone was attracted to me .
Where we might 'find' someone to have sex with ceases to be a concern, because it happens as it's meant to....
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 544
Originally Posted by kiki1988
Ok, it's not like I haven't had sex sober, but in recent years it has only been with someone I had either known for a long time or initially hooked up with drunk.
Not only can I not imagine having sex with someone for the first time sober, I don't know where I'm going to meet someone to have sex with in the first place.
On the list of priorities, this probably shouldn't be high, but it is a genuine concern.
Not only can I not imagine having sex with someone for the first time sober, I don't know where I'm going to meet someone to have sex with in the first place.
On the list of priorities, this probably shouldn't be high, but it is a genuine concern.
Obviously, sober anything is better than drunken anything. But you already knew that. With that said, when it comes to this subject, the first thing I would encourage you to do, is to get the order right.
Human beings don't have "sex."
Sex....."has" us!
Sex is a force. A non stop, tingling, electric, current, running between two people far beyond anything they can possibly explain. And if lust is the "trigger" of that force, than love, that feeling of warm, personal, attachment, is the trigger, of that "trigger."
Otherwise, sex will always "feel" like nothing, or worse, a violation. Put simply, without the love component, sex will always feel like just another act. No different than, say, washing the dishes. No matter what you "drink" or who you "meet". Thus, rather than looking for "it", rest assured in the certainly that if you continue to remain on this path, that force will eventually find you.
Hope this helps
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