Taproot

The "Addictive Voice," or AV, appears in many threads here, as I am learning. I am new at posting to Sober Recovery…this is the morning of Day 3 with no alcohol for me, and I am also learning that apparently I have an AV following me around too.

On Friday (just half-way through Day One for me) the thought crossed my mind that I could have a couple of beers, just a couple, and still post inspiring things about my sobriety on SR…the people at SR would never know, how could they? Then the next day I could maybe take the whole sobriety thing more seriously.

Then it occurred to me, hey these words sound just like the kind of thing an AV would say…maybe these words were tainted by alcoholism and didn't truly represent my own clear thinking. The thing that really sounded fishy to me was "just a couple," man have I heard that before, and "just a couple" rarely seemed to work out as promised. So no beer for me that day, and I am still on the right path here on day three.

This realization seemed like a mixed blessing: bad, because now it meant that I had another complication, my own private customized AV, to contend with…but good, because now I recognize that this AV thing exists, so maybe I can be more aware and be better prepared to resist it.

I am learning to prefer the words of those at SR over the words of my AV…thank you very much for being here and for your help.

tornrealization

You had a battle with the AV and won this round, good job. Sure it is easy to be dishonest on a message board, but who are you really being dishonest too? I would say it would be yourself. AV was lying by saying being dishonest on the board isn't a big deal therefore the two drinks wouldn't be either. You recognized the AV was truly the liar.

As for moderation. I just don't see the point. Those who moderate naturally aren't getting the high we got as drinkers. There is no magical one of two drinks that get us to the state we desire. It's a frustrating tease. A waste of money and calories. I find if I stop there I'm agitated and annoyed I can't have more and the mood is ruined without being drunk. I don't win with only one or two. None is also frustrating but fleeting.

Congrats on day three and keep up the good work.

jaynie04

Our AV is like the heckler in the front row, annoying, wants attention, and hard to ignore. But when we are able to toss that AV out the side exit the entire performance goes off swimmingly. BRAVO!

Mits78

It took me a while to be aware of that in myself. Its one of those "same but different for everyone" things. Congrats on your sobriety.

Compass7

I know what you mean Taproot! Before trying to be sober and joining SR I didn't know about the AV, but then again I wasn't trying to listen for it. I totally hear it every day and working towards sobriety that voice sure seems loud!! I know it was there before. I remember it when driving home with beer after work before I cracked that first one. Then after that first sip it was gone, I had what the mind and body THOUGHT it needed. I have daily triggers driving home from work and if I lay on the couch. I can't avoid the driving, but I can avoid the couch. Or just sit on the couch and typing to SR helps that AV dissipate. I getcha! I think it helps to be honest on SR. I don't mind discussing if I slipped up. It helps to get advice and can also be a source for learning and growing and preventing future slip ups. Happy Sunday and 3 days to ya!

CAPTAINZING2000

Alone in my head was a bad playground early in recovery.
What worked for me was being around a group of like minded people that; were trying to get sober.

wpainterw

Taproot: You say that "they'll never know..." Can you be sure of that? When you post on SR you talk to hundreds, maybe thousands of folks each with his or her own personal AV, many or most of whom may have spent months, years, decades lying to themselves and others (Sorry about that! Maybe I'm the only liar out there!). All these AV's and liars are like racehorses. Even though many of them have retired from the track they know the smell of the wet turf. They sense another liar coming down the home stretch. They whinny to one another in their sober stalls and say to one another, "Sounds familiar! Sounds like the 'good old days'! (But maybe those 'old days' weren't so 'good' after all!"}

W.

BrendonM

I find that because none of you know me personally I can actually tell the truth without worry. Anyone who has a personal investment in me (friends, family... etc) is hard to be honest with. Having a forum like this gives me the outlet that other people don't.

Taproot

That's a good point BrendonM, I also find it easier to reveal myself here within SR. I actually haven't made the leap yet to tell anybody in my "physical" life that I am deliberately not drinking…that thought is very intimidating. These SR boards are a comparatively safe place to express vulnerability.

ScottFromWI

You can absolutely lie here and probably never get caught. Same thing would apply in an AA meeting, therapy session, conversation with your partner/spouse, etc. It would be naieve to think that it doesn't happen. I did it on a daily basis when I was still drinking

You cannot lie to yourself forever though, and it sounds like you have found a way to be honest with your AV, which is very important. Keep being honest with yourself about your goal of staying sober and the rest will follow.

wpainterw

P.S. This reminds me of the old philosophical puzzle: "A drunk said that anything a drunk says is a lie." If the drunk was telling the truth then he was lying. In which case he was telling the truth. An endless loop. The only way out is for the drunk to sober up. Then he/she would no longer be a drunk.

W.

Taproot

The accumulation of lots of little lies, and one or two bigger lies, is corrosive to my sense of self-worth, and I hope to leave this stuff behind. Hopefully, identifying the AV will assist me in achieving that goal.

By the way, Scott, nice guitar on that avatar. I am more of a Fender guy myself, got an American-made Tele a couple years ago that is *very* nice. Also have an American Strat for about ten years that is a good comfortable friend as well. Rock on!

MidnightBlue

Congrats on Day 3, Taproot!

SR is a special place - I knew I couldn't lie here. Maybe, because no one will judge, but will help to sort out what went wrong and move forward?

And I know for sure my AV is hell scared of SR. Once I start posting here, it runs for the hills

Keep up good fight)

Hevyn

Glad you made it through that challenge unscathed Tap. Thanks for a helpful post!

sillysuzanfree

I've learned that it doesn't matter to me who knows about my sobriety or whether I'm lying or not. I'll know if I start drinking again and that's a lonely and dark place to be!

Congratulations on day 3!

wpainterw

Now that I think a little more about lying it occurs to me that alcohol is itself the greatest liar, the perfidious friend which becomes, with time, an alcoholic's sworn enemy. The tragic thing is that not all of us can drink and enjoy ourselves. Drinking, properly done, enhances sociability, draws people togetber, overcomes inhibition, shyness. Drinking in moderation is a good thing. But there are those to whom drink becomes the ultimate lie, the ultimate slaver, the Faustian compromise which rots away the soul. To those it enslaves it takes everything away, all that they have loved, families, homes, children, pets, jobs and above all reputation and self respect. Beginning as a perfidious friend it becomes, in time, the ultimate enemy. A powerful adversary, to overcome which one must fight oneself. I do not think I could have done this without the help of others. Those were the days before personal computers. It might have been easier had I had access to a website like this one.

W.

sugarbear1

I've done just that....gone online to a chat room and talked sobriety (I was coming here, but I was only lurking and reading the forums, a bit too under the influence to find the chat room, I did NOT post, I just read things in the forums) until one day someone thanked me for getting them to 9 months of sobriety. Oh, boy, I couldn't get one day again and they had 9 months....a wake up call for me!

I got sober about a year after this event, although I was embarrassed and stopped going to that other site. I didn't post on SR until after I had 2 months of sobriety and I even found my beloved chat room here!

I had to sleep in my own skin. I couldn't do that well while constantly lying to other people and for lying to myself.

Glad I am sober today. I wouldn't trade this in for anything.

Looking4Help123

Id like to say even these points are the continuing lie. Drinking, even in moderation, promises these things, but it is still lying.

It is ME that has to work on my inhibition, shyness or other character traits that may make me less sociable. That is if I want to be more social. By what barometer do we determine that someone less social is somehow a lesser person that someone who is more social? Why should shyness be frowned upon? We are not all the same. Why do we tie alcohol to a perceived "better" social result? The biggest laughs I've had, the best social times I've had, were had long before alcohol visited me. Just watch a children's birthday party. No alcohol necessary.

There are many ways we can become more "ourselves".... I like to think that none of them require alcohol even in moderation.

MIRecovery

To thine own self be true is on AA coins for a reason

wpainterw

Looking4Help123: I cannot agree that for most people, "Drinking, even in moderation, promises these things, but it is still lying." I cannot criticize those who, not being alcoholics, find pleasure and comradeship in drinking any more than those who find companionship in sports or bird watching. Alcohol does not harm those who can drink in moderation. To alcoholics it is devastating. “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.”

W.