Gibbons2

Dearest Struggling Newcomers by jus is the best post I have read here today.

Time for me to cut the cord.

Mish

Please stay with us Gibbons x

LBrain

Hello Gibbons.

I wanted to quote some of the things you wrote. I can offer a thousand cliches.
I can say, "Welcome to the real world."

I can tell you that when I was young I was accused of cheating and lying - all the time. And I never did! How is it possible for an 8 yr old to beat an adult in complex games? You did not see an airplane just land on the river - STOP LYING! I have thousands of example of this in my life. I have thousands of other examples of how my parents and family fffffff'd me up.

Why did I not get the promotion when I am clearly better qualified and a much better worker and employee than that guy - by far!? OH? Their wives hang out together. Makes sense now. Why did it take ten years before I could trust another woman after what my X did to me? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why was I letting all of my resentment kill me? I'm still struggling with resentment. I used to cringe when I see people letting their children throw stuff in stores. It drove me nuts when I would hear a parent start 'counting'. I used to get visibly angry when someone would get in the 10 items or less line with 20 items. I actually used to count the items out loud! I don't any longer. But it wasn't so long ago that I did that. I don't even want to get into why I pay taxes for something I am entirely against. The list goes on and on. I saw much of myself in your first post.
You also mentioned something about being bored or just drinking because I couldn't deal with it sober. Escapism. Others more experienced and qualified than I have offered something.

Aside from what others have said, one thing jumps out at me from what you wrote. That you went to AA chat rooms for 'real time conversation'. I do not want to belittle it and I do not wish to discourage it or anger others. And what I am about to say by no means is true or meant as criticism of a chat room. I believe they are good avenues - I still can't get into chat.

BUT, sometimes I think of a chat room as like those 1-800-sex-call lines. You don't really know who is on the other end. Here I'm sure it's all good. What I'm trying to say is 'real time conversation' involves someone right there with you. Actually talking face to face or in a live group can have more impact than typing and waiting. That is why going to a meeting or seeing a professional can be more beneficial than a chat room. I get frustrated at meeting when I hear folks spewing the same thing time after time and it gets to sound insincere. But I am giving it a chance to work.
Like a I said, others have offered excellent advice to you. Think of your past resentments and disappointments like this huge onion. You have to start peeling off the layers one at a time. And depending on the onion, it could take a while.
Keep the faith. Good luck.

Gibbons2

I agree with you Brian, but I know "real" people in the AA world too. And I don't want to not be on this site, but maybe not so much. I only have time for so much too and this site, while it has been helpful, I need more help than that. Signing up on a message board thread everyday, counting whatever day it is, isn't enough for me. And I know it isn't enough for others here either because I have read plenty of posts of others seeking counseling, talking about AA, whatever.

Anyhow, my arrogant self was doing it again. Thinking that since everyone here has been so nice to me, that I should feel obligated to stay. Like all of you are so graced with my presence. So I do have a big ego like the AA book says, it just gets weird and twisted for me until I think my "saving the world" is being "nice." Well, it isn't nice to me and I have to stop it. The thing is not only am an alcoholic, I am also a codependent. Yeah for me, I can go to both AA and Alanon! LOL.

Yes, I know resentments eat me up and I need to let go of them. I was thinking even today, before I drank again last night, why am I so scared of my feelings? Why do I feel like I need to drowned them in liquor? I actually know why, it is because of my childhood situation. This is my codependence because I never got to, you know. I never had my own feelings because everything was about my Dad years ago and by the time he quit, I was so used to just feeling what everyone else was feeling that I didn't ever get in touch with what mine were. This is something I need to work at. Next time I feel bored, I either change it in a constructive way by doing something to fill my time, or I just feel it and see how it goes. It's not like how I feel will kill me, but drinking will.

Thank for listening to me.

deeker

I would Put the drink down, get to meetings and work the steps with a sponsor.

I'd Take action and Stop thinking so much. You could just open up one wound after another and it will never end. All great reasons to drink.

Start living in the solution.