Newbie on BF that is Sober
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Clemson
Posts: 16
Newbie on BF that is Sober
Hi,
I am seeking help on how to deal with my BF that was a drug & alcohol addict since he was 11 years old. His dad made him smoke crack cocaine at 14 years old. From there it led to more drugs and alcohol from xanex to loritabs to whatever you name it. He is 26 years old now and has been sober 4 years. I just started dating him last March and I've been on a roller coaster ride. He lost his ex gf to drugs by death. He tried to get her sober but many failed attempts. Where I come in is , I've never dealt with an addict or dated one. I have my own struggles but feel like I am being smothered to death because I have be a mother figure to him. I am older than him, but he says age is just a number which in normal situations it is. However with him , because he is used to the stay up late , sleep late life we fight about it. He says his childhood was snatched from him and its all coming out now. His dad was verbally and physically abusive to his mom and him. His grandpa was the same. He has never put a hand on me but he is just so needy that is bothers me really bad. He says he just loves me so much and I can't accept the affection. However he goes thru a needy behavior really bad when he fights with his dad and grandfather. Comes home to me and then it filters out into our relationship. He constantly wants to know where I am what i am doing, who I'm talking to or texting . I never get jealous of him but he has big issues with jealousy and gets upset because I don't get jealous of him. He finally started going back to AA last week. He has not been in over a year. He also came back to his hometown where the drugs started. We fight everyday but he says that's nothing that I don't know what fighting is. Right now my kids are mad at me for dating him and he says that is their problem not mine. He needs so much attention but I'm suffering with back pain so bad that I can't work. He is good to provide for me in housing and bills etc, but I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Therefore I have to absolutely push him away from me to deal with him, then he starts with the baby don't be mad at me . I'm the one that loves me more than anybody in the world and I will not find nobody better than him. I just exhausted. He guilts me & says that if I leave him he will go insane and lose everything ! He will go back to drugs etc.. I came back to him after breaking up last August because I was so afraid he would result to that.... And now it just stays on my brain of guilt of what he will do... He says they will have to commit him because I'm all the NORMAL he has.. I just need to learn HOWTODEAL... please help!!! This is way over my head!
I cry alot because I don't know if I should leave or stay. At some point he has got to grow up and stop blaming others for his problems. Am I wrong feeling this way?? Am I wrong for trying block him out? The more I block out the more he pushes and gets mad and leaves to cool off.
I am seeking help on how to deal with my BF that was a drug & alcohol addict since he was 11 years old. His dad made him smoke crack cocaine at 14 years old. From there it led to more drugs and alcohol from xanex to loritabs to whatever you name it. He is 26 years old now and has been sober 4 years. I just started dating him last March and I've been on a roller coaster ride. He lost his ex gf to drugs by death. He tried to get her sober but many failed attempts. Where I come in is , I've never dealt with an addict or dated one. I have my own struggles but feel like I am being smothered to death because I have be a mother figure to him. I am older than him, but he says age is just a number which in normal situations it is. However with him , because he is used to the stay up late , sleep late life we fight about it. He says his childhood was snatched from him and its all coming out now. His dad was verbally and physically abusive to his mom and him. His grandpa was the same. He has never put a hand on me but he is just so needy that is bothers me really bad. He says he just loves me so much and I can't accept the affection. However he goes thru a needy behavior really bad when he fights with his dad and grandfather. Comes home to me and then it filters out into our relationship. He constantly wants to know where I am what i am doing, who I'm talking to or texting . I never get jealous of him but he has big issues with jealousy and gets upset because I don't get jealous of him. He finally started going back to AA last week. He has not been in over a year. He also came back to his hometown where the drugs started. We fight everyday but he says that's nothing that I don't know what fighting is. Right now my kids are mad at me for dating him and he says that is their problem not mine. He needs so much attention but I'm suffering with back pain so bad that I can't work. He is good to provide for me in housing and bills etc, but I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Therefore I have to absolutely push him away from me to deal with him, then he starts with the baby don't be mad at me . I'm the one that loves me more than anybody in the world and I will not find nobody better than him. I just exhausted. He guilts me & says that if I leave him he will go insane and lose everything ! He will go back to drugs etc.. I came back to him after breaking up last August because I was so afraid he would result to that.... And now it just stays on my brain of guilt of what he will do... He says they will have to commit him because I'm all the NORMAL he has.. I just need to learn HOWTODEAL... please help!!! This is way over my head!
I cry alot because I don't know if I should leave or stay. At some point he has got to grow up and stop blaming others for his problems. Am I wrong feeling this way?? Am I wrong for trying block him out? The more I block out the more he pushes and gets mad and leaves to cool off.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
H, Howtodeal.
What you're describing is a power struggle that's rife with control issues on his part. He's essentially attempting to isolate you from your own reality (by, for example, checking on you). His behaviors leave you emotionally drained and exhausted. I'm not getting what's in it for you to be in this relationship. He disregards and attempts to distort your feelings. That there is enough to be concerned. It's emotional abuse.
I'd recommend couples therapy, even if you're not able to do that right now. I suspect he'll respond to that in either one of two ways. He'll either jump all over it since he seems to believe that you're the problem, or he'll dismiss it outright because there's a part of him that knows he's abusive. Besides, you already have an expert about how your relationship should proceed: him.
If nothing else, he's carrying around a lifetime's worth of unresolved emotional issues, and he's installed you as the perfect target or receptacle for his misery. Not at all healthy.
Get help for yourself. Lots of folks recommend AlAnon here, and there's also individual therapy. I can pretty much guarantee that things will only get worse if nothing changes.
What you're describing is a power struggle that's rife with control issues on his part. He's essentially attempting to isolate you from your own reality (by, for example, checking on you). His behaviors leave you emotionally drained and exhausted. I'm not getting what's in it for you to be in this relationship. He disregards and attempts to distort your feelings. That there is enough to be concerned. It's emotional abuse.
I'd recommend couples therapy, even if you're not able to do that right now. I suspect he'll respond to that in either one of two ways. He'll either jump all over it since he seems to believe that you're the problem, or he'll dismiss it outright because there's a part of him that knows he's abusive. Besides, you already have an expert about how your relationship should proceed: him.
If nothing else, he's carrying around a lifetime's worth of unresolved emotional issues, and he's installed you as the perfect target or receptacle for his misery. Not at all healthy.
Get help for yourself. Lots of folks recommend AlAnon here, and there's also individual therapy. I can pretty much guarantee that things will only get worse if nothing changes.
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