BrendonM

Between the 22 of february and now I only broke once with half a 375, which got dumped after.

Then this friday to monday I downed 3 750s. I was also sick as a dog. It made me feel even worse but I just kept doing it like a ravenous animal. I laid down on my exercise mat friday night, woke up at 7am saturday on the ground, had no breakfast and then drank again the entire day till I fell asleep. Didn't drink till late sunday night. Emailed my boss on monday and used my illness as an excuse to stay home. I finished the rest monday, guzzled a swimming pool of water and went into work the rest of this week.

Looks like I'm back on day 3, I hope whoever the person I was this weekend doesn't comeback, but it scares me - I didn't even feel any shame when I did it. It was like I went from being the person I normally am to some hungry animal. How can someone let an incident that sends their previous success crashing down not feel like such a degenerate?

Dee74

Wondering how you change and why you change are obvious, yet difficult, questions to ask post binge - but I don't think those are the ones you need to focus on now.

The really important question is what do you do now Brendon - what can you do to ensure you stay sober this weekend?

D

thelonghaul

I'm ashamed to say i did something similar. went about 25 days perfect sober. had one beer. next night most of a 750, same thing sat sun and monday i called in to the office sick and came in tuesday shaking in my boots. I'm doing AA now. it takes a tribe to bring down this beast man. so i joined up with the super sober tribe. they're not bad folks. cmon, if i can do it, you can do it, don't worry about the shame, learn the lesson and move forward

Gakx

I noticed that when I slipped a couple of weeks ago, once the thought saturated my mind, I seemed to be on autopilot. It was robotic behavior and I felt nothing.

As I took the first drink, my mind did pause for one second and then it was like a freight train hitting me. It was all over and I wasn't even trying to stop it...I couldn't stop it. My brain literally flips a switch.

I saw it coming ahead of time, I knew it was going to be a very bad day. It taught me that I needed better coping skills during times of extreme stress. I hope that you are able to find what you need to avoid those traps. You just have to find the tools and then use them.

Goldcoastgirl

It is almost like autopilot Gakx, I agree. I find it like an out of body experience, watching myself going through the routine of opening the fridge, getting out the bottle, drinking it - like it is happening to someone else. Good luck you guys with not having these challenges this weekend. Just do something different.

FreeOwl

one thing is consistent;

It all starts with one. EVERY. TIME.

So, the focus is simple 'AVOID EVEN ONE. ALL. THE. TIME.'


one thing is certain;

I have never gotten wasted when I didn't drink alcohol.



You can do it.... one step at a time.


I like Dee's comments above. I think you'd benefit from seriously pondering the questions about what you will actively DO to stay sober. It is work - at least in the early days.

But for now.... keep it simple.

DRINK - TROUBLE
DON'T DRINK - GOOD

you can do it

instant

For me there is no "why" the results always spoke for themselves. I am firmly in the camp that if you never pick up, you are on the safest ground.

I think the 'hungry animal' stuff probably relates to incessant cravings that kick in. I used to burn through my body and light up like a lamp after that first one.

Notimetoloose

It's fascinating, isn't it? I have been that person as well...I don't know who she is as well.
For me it's like there is some subconscious desperation thing going on.
When I look back I have no more insight than I did at the time I was doing it....at the time it was like a release valve and I am going to do what I want to and that is drink....no more.

FortWorthsober

What insight from all of you! I will remember this thread for quite sometime. There is NO self-control for me, no level of moderation. I always think that I can participate at a restaurant and then I'll stop and be just fine. But once the bait is taken, I'm like a shark devouring the chum in the water. It's ugly, out-of-control, and eventually the hook is in my mouth and I'm being dragged onto the shore as the trophy of Chardonnay. NO MORE!

LadyBlue0527

I'm glad that you came here Brendon. I think you just described my final days of drinking. I think that deep in our heads we know that the time is coming to quit and it just makes us worse until we make the final decision.

I've heard the term Jekyll and Hyde to describe who I was when I was drinking. It's one thing when other people see a different person when you drink but when you get to the day that you don't even know yourself anymore it's pretty scary. It's like being a crazed lunatic. Add to that previously when you drank at least you had some emotion in your head that tells you that you know you shouldn't be doing this and now it just says "I don't care", that's scary stuff.

We spend a lot of time walking around in the murky waters finding the rocks and stepping over them. When you get to the crazed animal point that's when you've hit the drop off. Slipping down into the abyss.

A degenerate would look the other way and just not care. You, however, do care and you came here and posted about it. You're still intact and recognize that you're in a bad place and want help. This board and having a plan in place has reached out and pulled me up from that drop off and out of the abyss. The same can be true for you but you have to want it.

As far as hoping that person doesn't come back this weekend, don't hope, make it happen. What are you going to do to stop yourself from going there again? You need think about that now and not when the time comes.

You CAN do this!

MnEman

"Looks like I'm back on day 3, I hope whoever the person I was this weekend doesn't comeback"

My friend, with the drinking you describe, hope is not going to cut it. You need to get a program into your life that deals with the demon, not hope it wont' come back, because I guarantee it will be back. I don't know if you have experience with AA or other support groups, but that is the whole idea behind them is to help you overcome the demon who makes you do dangerous, irrational things, that normal people would never even consider doing.

Support groups can be scary, because they are usually filled with people who have actually quit (not moderated), and that can be the scariest thing in the world- to contemplate actually quitting. Fortunately they also can teach you tools and ways of living that will allow you to quit and lead a happy, sober life. I wish you well, post back and le tus know how you are doing.

least

What are you going to do differently now to make sure this doesn't happen again?

BrendonM

Thanks everyone, looks like I'm not alone in having two personalities. Its kinda nice to know other people deal with the stuff you do.

It is kind of hard to come up with a way to not go into that state. If I lose my sense of shame how do I stop myself? Everyone time I start to feel myself losing it I'll have to remind myself where that process ends up taking me.

BrokenBottles

I have the same "autopilot" feeling also. It's weird and disturbing. But as others have said, if you avoid that first drink, you'll avoid having the fifth, tenth, etc.

badatbooze

I'm back on day three. Just threw thirty days away..woke up on the floor. I'm using it as ammunition against the next time I feel like a beer. One beer led me to the floor. I was told I just collapsed. Next time who knows what. I'm done with it...afraid of the stuff. We just need to think it through. And keep our stomachs full of food...stops my craving in there tracks

jdooner

Actually it sounds like you are going to end up repeating your cycle again and again based on what I read here. What I think some are trying to say is your not changing up the routine, so the results are going to be the same.

If your like me then you are defenseless right now against the drink this weekend. It's actually biological, in my opinion. I needed to develop a program to build defense against that first drink. My program included AA, sponsor, SR meditation, tried Rational Recovery....I did anything I thought would help and it took six months to finally feel like I have some defense against the thoughts.

What is your plan Brendon?