Letter to my wife
 

As I have posted elsewhere, tomorrow my wife and I separate after 12 years of marriage - she has put up with my drinking for several years with unflinching support but my last relapse after 2 months rehab was the final straw. She says she loves me but she cant say at this stage if we can ever get back together; this is a draft of a letter I want to send her. My intention is to reassure her that she is not to blame - because she does blame herself somehow. Also I need to set out that i will not pressure her to come back (which would be hugely selfish and which every bit of me is screaming to do)

Hi ….

I just wanted to send you this letter before our respective internet connections are temporarily disrupted with the move.

I just thought it was important to state a few things –

First; I love you – that is not to put any emotional pressure on you, it is simply to state a fact, just as it is also a fact that I have not acted as if I love you for too long.

I know that apologies and professions of love mean nothing at this stage (though you have them in abundance), so instead I give you my word that I fully understand your decision for us to live separately and I will fully respect this. It is YOU and your well-being that you need to focus on - God knows you have focussed on mine for long enough.

It is time that that burden, beyond what anyone should have been expected to take, is removed from you so of course you are doing the right thing. I should have acknowledged this myself much earlier ( but that is self-regret so enough of that…)

Which brings me on to my second pledge. That from this day on I will maintain my recovery for MYSELF and I will work on my relationship with myself. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish – I want rather, for you to know that I will not burden you with the responsibility of my recovery – that responsibility is mine alone.

12 years ago I made the most important vows of my life to you. Now I am making equally important vows:

I will no longer hide behind depression, alcohol, stress or whatever; I will, rather, take responsibility for who I am and for what I want and need to become. That involves never drinking again as well as addressing the underlying issues of my depression; not just skirting around them.

I’ve made these pledges to you in the past and failed on them; this time I’m making them to myself - so there is no hiding place; and I am putting practical steps I gained in rehab in place to ensure that (plus AA, sponsor, counselling, outreach registration etc).

When you want to get in touch, then I will be delighted, but I will leave that to you to decide, I will respect your choice as to when to contact. Please, take the time now to try live a normal life (remember what that is?), to try to de-stress, to enjoy your friends, to be yourself again – and have some fun! You deserve it so much.

I hope you can do that side of things, I know I can do my side. I am going to beat this and am going to be fine. Just as the future whatever it holds is going to be fine.

Take care
x

That's very touching. Thank you for sharing with us.

Thank you, there is so much more I wanted to put in but i dont want it to come over as emotional blackmail...

Wow. That is a business plan.

How about how much you love her? And about romance.

You have to show her you have improved.

Be as honest as you can. Maybe no promises, just how much you love her

I took out the personal bits as didnt think they make sense to people here, as they are specific - but thanks for the good point

That's so lovely and heartfelt Poscard , kudos to you .

She will definitely appreciate the sentiments , thanks for sharing that with us xx

It's never too late to right our wrongs :)

I don't mean this to sound unkind, because I've been where you are at and crawled back out of the abyss, but your WORDS have almost zero worth right now.

Act the part, live your recovery, and do what you say you will do.

Show her. Talk is literally nothing. I wouldn't even send the letter.

As the wife of an addict, I have received many similar cards, emails, texts....

I now find them to be so manipulative and just words. Talk is cheap.....actions are what counts.

This just my opinion because, like I said, I have had so many of them. As I write this, we are getting divorced and he is active in his addiction.

I quite understand the cynicism towards the letter I shared. It was never my intention here to be manipulative, quite the opposite. Everyone is different and I have the will to this and I shall, but of course i respect your views

Postcard1 bless you

Definitely the best and only way to make amends is to stay sober. As others have said, actions speak louder than words.

Check your expectations too if you have any, that is, of sending the letter. I know that when I've done similar, the very obscure - even to me! - intention was that it would change how my partner felt. It didn't. But staying sober, and building a life, that does.

Wish you well

my intentions in the letter were to reassure her that any future contact will be on her terms thats all. of i can only make amends (and by that i am not saying win her back) by actively staying sober. no letter can replace that. the same goes for all the hollow promises i made to date.

Hi read your letter thaank you for that I am still with my wife but not really we never really talk. just go throught the motions.If you want her back you can do better with that letter good luck.

I feel for your situation- I know I damaged my marriage, and that it may never repair

re the letter though

I am sure she has heard many over the years- not sure why we get to read it before she does.

My recovery only works (at the moment with gratitude) because it is for me- I think resentment took hold whenever I did it for any other reasons

Well, I agree with some of the others. I would just work on bettering myself and staying sober. Just my opinion as someone who was with a letter writer - even with all his writing nothing ever changed and the letters felt manipulative to me.

That said, I really hope things work out. I'm sure there is a lot of love there. Good luck.

Do you have a sponsor and go to AA?

I would say that you should wait until you are ready to make amends to her.

I am an alcoholic myself and I remember making and writing promises, and quite frankly I knew most of it was bull crap. I was just grasping at straws.

You need to focus on your recovery. Are you ready to stop?

Hi Postcard.

Maybe you should address this letter to you? Your promises or mission statement is with you to hold yourself accountable for your recovery.

The kindest thing for your wife is to let her go peacefully IMO.

I'm on the other side of the fence. I woke up this am with some of the lyrics of Don Henley's Heart of the Matter in my head. I might not have it exactly right, "But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness -Even if, even if you don't love me anymore."

My wife came round this morning to thank me for the 'lovely letter' and said it helped her a lot. The next contact will be down to her and we parted as friends; that is all the letter was ever about and it is all the feedback i needed. I wont be posting further on this.
thanks all for your comments

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I know it must be terribly hard.

I hope you will continue to focus on yourself and your recovery.

i was feeling really sorry for myself this am and i still do feel on an island sometimes but it is unfair to blame my partner for my feelings. no i have no sponsor yet just church and working out