postcard1

So here I go again, I was on this website a while ago before I busted again, and now I'm back. It's just frustrating as everything was going so well - and that's what scares me so much; that I busted when things were really looking up - I'd just finished 2 months in rehab, my wife was supportive, we were about to move into a great new home, I had a job lined up and even got a grant to go back and study in Mental Health...

So what do i do as soon as I get out? I go on a 5 day bender, just taking off and with my wife frantic. And it really is true that each time you fall you fall harder... this time I spent a night in a police watch house after being picked up in town out of it, but my real lowest point was trying to steal a cask of wine from a shop and ride off with it; and getting pursued and knocked off my bike: covered in blood from a head wound and have broken 2 ribs. And I should say this is totally against what I am , totally unrecognisable - I've never even thought of stealing before.

So now where am I? Sat home, I lost my job before it even started, I have missed study and my wife has left me . She is going to move into the house we planned to live together in, and I am moving into a bedsit. I am just so angry at myself for doing this again, and putting my wife and parents through this; if I can do this knowing the consequences, what is to say I wont do it again? My wife is remaining supporitve and says we can look at retrying things if I can stay sober for a few months, and I am determined to do that - but then again I have said that before. And being at home on my own, depressed (I am on antidepressants), is making it so hard to get motivated... I cant help beating myself up for busting when I had everything to stay sober for. It feels like I am grieving. I really apologise if this has been a self pitying rant, I just needed to get all this off my chest...

Dee74

I'm sorry postcard. Sounds rough.

Sometimes when things were going well, I got spooked...feeling good was unnatural to me, it was so unfamiliar it even scared me a little.

Sometimes deliberately, sometimes subconsciously, I drank again.

I think you need to look at what you did for your recovery last time and think about what you need to add this time.

What kind of support do you have apart from your wife?

D

deeker

Sorry you feel so bad postcard. boy alcoholism really is cunning, baffling and powerful.
I'd get to a meeting tomorrow if I were you.

You know your chances of getting sober are 90% if you get to a meeting right when
leaving treatment that day then drop to 5 % the next day. Don't ask me why or how,
It was what I was told.

Get to a meeting. Praying for you, I feel your despair. Do you have a Big Book?

Aarryckha

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

It's nice that your wife is being so supportive of you.

Since you were in rehab for two months, what made you decide to start drinking again as soon as you got out?

postcard1

thanks Dee74, just having someone respond is a help. I learned lots of good tools in rehab but i need make the choice to use them - I guess that is the scarey things about recovery; only I can do it..

I dont have a lot of support other than my wife; it is awkward as we had a good group of friends but she is staying with them at the minute and i just feel too ashamed about letting her down again; i couldnt face seeing them.. i guess the thing is i need to give my wife some space right now, but its hard as i just want her to say everything is going to be alright (me being selfish again...) but only i can make things alright and this isnt going to happen overnight; i've let her down too much in the past

postcard1

Aarryckha - i wish i knew why i started, thats the scarey thing as things were going along fine. My wife asked me the same thing and i just couldnt answer as i really dont know...

postcard1

well, heading to for an early night, does anyone have any tips for when the negative thoughts start to circle? really want to try to sleep if i can ...

Pipefish

Postcard1 that sounds horrific, and a painful aftermath too. Hope you can find your way to a meeting soon.

Wish you well

MnEman

you are in deep my friend. If I were you I would find the nearest AA meeting, and get some support. Rehab and treatment only dry us out and teach us the fundamentals about our disease. We need an ongoing program to stay clean, most people can't mange that on their own. I hope you find the support you need.

toddle118

Thats really bad hun, I feel for you. I had a similar experience last year, 3 months sober, happy, living with bf, thought I know I'll have a drink (why?)...Got dumped back home, drank daily until now (this is my 11th day sober). I hate the control drink has over me and felt I was killing myself and had to stop. Reach out, get support, post on here, whatever it takes. Just dont pick up that glass! Wishing you well x

least

I hope our support here can help you get sober for good.

gvrecovery

For reasons I don't fully understand, I have had a very difficult time picking up the simple tools that keep me sober daily, but when I do as I am now, it gets a lot easier. I've done pretty much what you describe, drinking at exactly the wrong time and making a big mess of things. I'm seeing a therapist now to deal with the shame and guilt, it's really helping.

KateL

Sorry postcard but this does happen, I hope you can get back on track soon xxx

Anna

Postcard, I'm sorry you're going through this and experiencing the relentlessness of alcoholism. It won't give up. And, yes, it makes us do things we would never ordinarily do. But, have faith that you can change this and be the person you want to be.

postcard1

thanks guys, made it through the night and even got some sleep. today i have to face packing and sorting things out for moving into the flat, it is so depressing as this would have been an exciting day: packing for me and wife to move a new home together. i know it is selfish but i am so worried about struggling on my own in new flat; but wife says she cant bear the risk of me going AWOL again at the minute.

I have put a plan together, detailing what i will do and where i will be each day (gym when ribs are better, AA, library, drop in centre etc) and how i will let wife know i AM actually there (text pic, send email, someone call her etc), i thought maybe if i propose to follow this plan, and she has full control of my bank cards and knows i have no money and nothing i could sell when i leave the house each day plus i dont have house keys initially; this could be basis of me moving as we were planning this weekend; i would also get a sponsor asap and am already in therapy... what do people think? or is it unfair to push on this...

happycampers

I'd hate to say it , but I think you need to give her space and YOU need to do what you need to do on your own. It's time to clean up the mess that only we as addicts create. It's our job to clean up the mess and not drag someone else into our self-indulgent BS.creation. Actions will speak louder than words to her. You know what to do - NOW Do It ! Just my opinion.

postcard1

thanks happycampers, as you say this may be selfish BS;i'm thinking it would give her sight of what i am doing rather than being in a flat over the other side of town; but you are right i am probably deluding myself for my own ends

happycampers

when she sees you, she'll know right away how you're doing. We can't fool those closest to us very easily and whether someone is in active addiction or not is "usually" written in their face. She'll know if you're doing what you know you need to do.

postcard1

my wife said it was too soon re the plan, but we had a good chat; I need to stop catastrophising and accept however things turn out during my recovery- worrying about what the future might hold becomes a self fulfilling prophesy...its so hard though; not being with her is ripping me up; but I need to be accountable for us being where we are and accept what comes along without losing my sense of hope...

off to bed soon so THANK YOU all for the posts, which always give me something positive to hang on to when sleep wont come