upset

Hi.
I'm not sure how to begin so will try to type without too much thought before I do, or I may not have enough time to finish.

I met my husband seven years ago. I had just come out of a relationship of twelve years with three children. He was lovely but had problems some of which I was unaware with to begin with. I did know that he took drugs and had done a lot of different ones in the past. I had not ever been around anyone (that I knew of anyway) who did them. When I found out and actually tasted some when I kissed him once I told him I could not be with anyone who took drugs. He told me that he would stop as I was more important to him than anything else.

I am now not sure that he ever did stop, although he said last night that he did, but I'll get to that in a minute.

After about a year I fell pregnant with my fourth, a little girl. We got married two and a half years ago. Everything has been fine apart from his sometimes extreme paranoia. I have dealt with that and have tried to make him at ease in his home and happy. As I'm writing this it all seems so feeble. I'm wondering what you are thinking reading this. Whether I'm an enabler or something. If so feel free to tell me what you think as I'm very good at taking criticism.

The weekend before last we went for a night out in the local pubs. When we got back I noticed on his phone logs (quite innocently noticed) that he had texted a man I know of through going into the pubs with my husband. And two phone calls at 01:30ish in the morning, while we were out. I remembered him following this guy to the toilet. His phone said there were texts sent in logs but there were no texts at all in his messages. Things started clicking into place. He didn't seem to really like this guy. Yet bought him a point when he saw him. In probably putting way too much detail in here, I guess I'm trying to justify my suspicions that effected my behaviour as I wasn't sure how to deal with this knowledge that I couldn't get out of my head.

I haven't been quite the same with my husband. I haven't been able to talk about it with anyone as I have no friends. When I mention say that this lady asked me round for a coffee he would get his paranoid head on and say that we were enough for each other. Im typing this and know I must seem pathetic to be controlled this way.

Last night in bed he asked me what was wrong so after a few minutes I told him that I was pretty certain he'd been taking drugs and I knew where he'd been getting them from. He was silent. I was expecting abject denial. That is what he always says"Deny, deny, deny". He said he lives me loads and wants to stop. He says he needs help from me and that when we go out we should keep away from those places and people.

I just don't know if he means it or just keeping me quiet. I don't know if I'm happy the way things are when I thought I was enough I put up with his paranoia but why should I put up with it? How can I help him when I realise he is an addict through and through. Sorry if I appear heartless, im pretty angry at the moment. His chosen drug iam pretty sure is cocaine. He is also an alcoholic but I don't think he'd ever admit that. He wants me to help, so he says, but how do I do that? I'm not truly sure he wants it.

I'm sorry I've written such a lot. If you've made it this far thank you for taking the time to read it. I hope I don't seem incredibly selfish as I'm angry and upset so what I've written is more about me than trying to find out how to help. I am worried about him. He worries about his health yet can have an instant heart attack on that stuff!.

Sorry! I just can't stop now its started. Thanks again. x

upset

I think I may have posted this in wrong place. Sorry. Maybe an admin could move it.

Ilya

I don't think this is a healthy situation, and I don't think he'll change. Even if he manages to finally quit the drugs, he's proven that he isn't consistently honest with you. That's a foundational flaw that I'm afraid won't go away.

The fact that he doesn't allow you to explore friendships is another big red flag.

I think one big, glaring red flag is enough, but could possibly be managed. Even though it may not be healthy or ideal.

I'm afraid there are so many red flags here, and that you are being put in a position that compromises your personal boundaries and that is too much for him to ask.

He had the opportunity to be honest, to allow you to flourish like any other human being should be allowed to, but he chose not to.

Is that the kind of person you want to be with for the rest of your life?

I wish you much luck, and I hope you find the solution that leads to fulfillment. Please trust yourself, for that is another ability that he's tried to deny you.

Ilya

Sorry I was so harsh. Your post set off some alarms and I felt like I should speak up. I can't tell you how many times I wish someone had answered my similar inquiries with some honesty.

upset

Thank you Ilya. x
I really didn't see it as harsh. I prefer to hear what people think straight out. When I read your post I cried because I was so relieved that someone had listened and I can't tell you what a relief that is after keeping everything in.
I just don't know how to go on from here. I tend to block things out if I don't want to think about them. Which makes it hard to think effectively now I need to.

SeekingGrowth

upset, you should try re-posting your post in the Friends & Family of Substance Abusers forum. It is very active, and there are many people there who have been in your shoes, or close to them. You will find lots of support and experience there.

least

Has he actually said "I need help" or "I'm willing to get help"? If so, let him find the help he needs and then work on it with all his effort. If he denies that he needs help or refuses to get help, then it may be time to think about putting yourself and your kids first, as in, possible separation.

Ask him what he's going to do to make this right. Show him you support his efforts to get clean, but don't enable him.


Welcome to the SR family.

Mountainmanbob

you might mention to him that
if he wishes to save the marriage
he had probably seek help fast
a good start may be NA or AA meetings
and or treatment

some will wish to save their marriages and relationships
I know many in the AA Program
yes -- some actually get to this point in time
plus -- I'm one -- 6 years sober and with very happy wife
MM

upset

Thank you. I have just done that after reading your post.

upset

He said he has a problem. I replied that he does now, meaning because I now know about it. He said that's why I told you. I said you didn't tell me I told you. He doesn't think what he did was lying to me.

I will ask him. Thank you.

upset

I agree. I just can't see it happening. He never considers the possibility that he may be wrong about something. I hope I am wrong.

I'm glad for you and others, I hope to get through this, but he does have to want to. Thank you Bob

Ruby2

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Or the questions to ask to find the answers. Although I am an alcoholic I have experience with an addict husband, specifically cocaine. What I have learned is that I cannot help him get and stay sober. All I can do is lend support. Depending on how badly addicted your husband is to cocaine, things can get very, very ugly. Financially and emotionally. Please do what you can to take care of yourself and your children.

My husband was extremely paranoid about a lot of things when he was actively using. He has been sober now (again for the umpteenth time) and hasn't been paranoid but I always remember what is around the corner if he doesn't stay sober.

If your husband wants to get help you can support him by giving him time to attend meetings or counseling. What will not work is holding his hand and doing his homework for him. It should be up to him to find meetings and attend them. Or finding a support network of some sort and then using that network. If your husband cannot do any of these things or refuses to do anything he is telling you that he is going to continue using cocaine. If he is an addict it will only get worse. There is currently a thread running that someone posted yesterday or the day before for support in quitting cocaine. It is a very good place in starting to learn about the addiction.

upset

Thank you Ruby. I haven't a lot of time at the moment to write a reply of length. But thank you.

Ruby2

Hi upset. I hope you are doing okay. I only hope what I said made some sort of sense. I've been through the wringer with my husband and it is hard to see anyone in the pain I have experienced. It can be incredibly isolating because most people have absolutely no idea what you are going through or what is the unfortunate "normal" in your life. The family and friends thread really are a great place to be. I haven't posted there for a while because I have been focussing on my own sobriety but it is a great bunch of people.

upset

Thanks Ruby. Although I have only just become aware he's started using again he has been using for a lot longer. Maybe all the time. He drinks every night. What you are saying does make sense. For him to get better he has to seriously want to. He says he wants me to help. I can't do a great deal as this is something he has to do so if he wants my support how can I support him when I know he is going to be doing nothing to help himself.
I can just see everything going on as usual, nothing changing, apart from him hiding it better. He seems to think he hasn't lied to me. But a man for example isn't going to say when confronted with an affair he's had by saying I didn't lie to you about it, I just said nothing. Its a loss of trust which I think is the first nail in the coffin of the relationship. Sorry, started going on again.