YoungAndClean

Man down man down! I just couldn't hang on anymore, that last month felt like I wanted to use opiates every single day and I couldnt stop thinking about what using would do for me.

In actuality what it did for me was bring back so much misery in only 2 weeks. I have blown so much money, I have fought with my parents, I have had an incident with the police, I have lost my ability to drive, I have stopped going to AA, and now I am going into treatment because I feel like this disease has me by the balls.

What I noticed towards the end was that I did relapse before I used. That ISM = I, Self, Me, came back strong. I got depressed and spent a lot of time worrying about a lack of money, feeling angry and sorry for myself that I had this problem, and becoming complacent with my program in AA, because after all, I had done the 12 steps.

Guys after my relapse I felt all that fear, terror, bewilderment rush back. I have felt so hopeless and defeated. I regret this relapse more than all the other because this one altered the path my life is on almost immediately. The consequences were not delayed.

I've been trying to get longterm sobriety since I was 24 years old. In a few months I'll be 29 and my disease just keeps getting stronger and my determination to fight it gets weaker. For those of you struggling with thoughts of relapse, keep going. And if you find that you are miserable or uncomfortable consistently for more than a few days or week, talk to someone who can help you find what it is that is the problem. Be very aware of negative patterns like depression, self-pity, anger, jealousy, envy, etc. If they don't go away and you find them building please do something and don't relapse like I did. I assure you that I was skeptical about thinking that the disease gets worse even when we arent drinking, but somehow it does. My bottoms keep getting lower, and I'd give anything to undue that relapse because it was so hard to get that sober time.

Appreciate and cherish your sober time friends, i wish you all well and although I am still using, Im trying to get into a rehab/treatment just to help me through the first weeks, months. This thing has consumed my life

FreeOwl

well done on the 7 months you managed.

I hope that time gave you glimpses into the beauty and goodness life offers absent the haze of drugs and alcohol.

You can do this. Though you feel your resolve is challenged and you feel weary and beaten - do not give up. Get into a program, and work that program harder than ever before.

Aarryckha

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I truly hope you finds something that works for you so you can stay sober and enjoy the things life has to offer you. Keep fighting. I know you can do it.

I very much appreciate you words to encourage those of us around you to keep going. It is inspiring.

Looking4Help123

Young that is an amazing post. You are clearly thinking and hoping for everyone else's well being even when you are at rock bottom. Have you tried giving yourself the same kind of consideration?

If you managed 7 months I'm sure you can do anything I believe in that its just a matter of getting the right kind of support that works for you. I'll pray you get that in your treatment for rehab.

One day at a time man.

YoungAndClean

Yes sobriety offers so many little gifts but some big ones too like looking better, feeling better, feeling less crazy, feeling comfortable in situations that use to baffle me, more friends, more money, serenity, sleeping through the entire night.

And so much more, I can honestly say anyone who stays sober to 7 months will not be disappointed with the rewards. You may be asking why I relapsed then if it was so good? Well, the ISM crept back and I became to hyper-focused on my life and myself and even though I had made huge strides forward, there was still a good deal of wreckage to clear up. And I got impatient, discontent, and ungrateful. I began feeling like I was being punished and that I was serving a prison sentence of sobriety. Be on guard from thoughts like these friends! They led me right back to my drug of choice.

Dee74

I'm sorry to see you struggling again, but I glad to see you're making plans not to have it happen again YAC.

You had 7 months - that a great achievement - take what you learned & achieved in that time and imprint it on your soul.

If you never forget, you will never be be seduced back to the dark side, man

D

FreeOwl

I relapsed after almost 6 months because I wasn't continuing to be focused on active sobriety and cherishing what it brought me and then allowed myself to rationalize that I was "OK" and had just needed a reset.

It was that sober time and subsequent 'conscious decision to relapse' that brought me the clear understanding that sobriety is the path I prefer and cherish.

you can do it

MidnightBlue

Hi.

Sorry you've slipped, but good for you that you are back and fighting again. 7 months is a great achievement, and it is no way wasted. Don't beat yourself up. Take one day at a time.

I am going through very tough depression myself right now, and sometimes it's darn hard to face the day. But it's still thousand times better to be sober.

It's a new day, so open a new page and move forward.

Best wishes to you.

YoungAndClean

FreeOwl this really struck a chord with me because I made a 'conscious decision to relapse' also. In fact, I drove 2 and a half hours to get the type of drug I wanted. One would think that with all that time, I could have talked myself out of it. But it didn't work that way, I was like a prisoner in my own body, the desire to feel that high possessed me and I became like a puppet.

YoungAndClean

Midnight one of the mistakes I made in sobriety was thinking that I no longer needed medication (wellbutrin) for my depression because I was in AA and my sponsor didn't believe in them, and I became convinced that sobriety was enough to keep my depression at bay. Well it wasn't and after a couple months off Wellbutrin I became very depressed and unhappy, which I know led to my relapse.

Dee74

I think a lot of us are conditioned to response to the urge of a certain magnitude with a kind of resignation - the rabbit caught mesmerised in the headlights thing...the outcome is inevitable why fight it?

It's that kind of long standing impulse we need to fight, and that's why I think recovery needs to be regularly maintained, like anything else we treasure, if we want it to keep working at peak condition.

YoungAndClean

Dee I have always wanted to ask you this. But did you start out your journey of sobriety helping other alcoholics/addicts the way you do now? It seems to really lift my spirits when I take an interest in another person, gets me out of isolation, gets me out of my own head, and raises my self esteem. Makes me wonder why I don't do it more often on here and in the rooms of AA!

Dee74

I did, actually - from the moment I got here I started to share my experiences (and in the beginning too many opinions )

I wasn't looking for it, but I found something that enriched me, and helped others

I think finding a meaningful purpose for your sober life, whether it's service work or something else, is important YAC

D

KateL

Sorry to hear of your struggles. Your post is positive in a lot of ways so I am sure you can get back to where you were xxx

least

I am sorry to hear that you slipped, but tomorrow is a new day full of promise. Make tomorrow your last Day One.

SeekingGrowth

Wow, Y&C, so sorry to hear that you slipped, but congrats on 7 months. You did so much work during that time, and your posts have been helpful to so many. Your posts in this thread are equally helpful. They are so insightful. You have really dissected this relapse and the feelings that led to it, as well as the many reasons to fight for sobriety. When you get clean again, you should keep this thread nearby and read it when that old AV kicks in.

I have no doubt that you will be back on the recovery path in no time, continuing to share your ES&H here with all of us. You are a very valuable member of this community. Sending you lots of positive vibes through cyberspace, with a few prayers thrown in!

GotGrace

Hey Young. I am sorry that you are suffering right now. I am confident you will get back on track. I hear the hope and commitment in your post.

And you have helped me with your post. Your honesty is wonderful. I have copied and pasted your post in my sobriety journal. So thank you for helping me!

Keep posting. I want to hear lots more from you!

serious

you will get back up.

this happens to many of us... this is the part where you become stronger. you have to. you didn't lose the sober time, now just take what you've cultivated and build on it.

Anna

I can't emphasize how important this was to me. I never would have made it through 7 months either, without having a strong purpose to my days. For me, in the first few years of recovery, it was volunteer work with women living in poverty. And, then I found SR and both gave and received here.

YAC, seven months of recovery is awesome and I know for sure you can do it again. We're here for you!

YoungAndClean

Thank you all for the responses of encouragement. I am fortunate enough to be going to a 6 week detox + rehab later today. I'm not sure if I will have internet while there so I might not be around for a little while. I can't believe it's come to this but I am extremely addicted to opiates again, and cannot get clean without serious help.