peytonmckenziee

Hi, everybody. My name is Peyton, and I'm 17. My drugs of choice are benzodiazepines and amphetamines. I entered treatment this January and came home to Texas on February 21. I suppose I am posting this in a state of desperation, honestly. I have been home almost a month, and have been sober the whole time. Day treatment during the day and meetings almost every night. I've been so into it, because I had hit what I thought was bottom after a few overdoses, couch surfing, psychotic episodes, etc. tonight I was cleaning out my closet and found a stash of speed, and with no one around to hold me accountable, I took it. Now, 5 hours later, I'm questioning myself. Because I did this despite what I've learned, am I truly ready to be sober? I can't imagine being more miserable than I was before treatment. But if my heart really felt that way, how could I do this? Please help me to make a game plan, and figure out whether this is normal of even the most severe addicts. Thank you so much for your time

I picked that emoji because it was quite funny and it was also the emoji I could not identify a purpose for, which matches my current dilemma. Please consider emoji when answering god bless

Dee74

Hi and welcome Peyton

That's voice telling you you're not ready is your addiction. It's great at planting the seeds of doubt.

I'm sorry you took the speed but the important things are still the same - you still have all you learned and all you gained in those 75 days...

don't let a moments weakness get you down or blind you from the fact that you're determined and ready to make really lasting changes in your life

I'm glad you found us - you'll find a lot of support here

D

least

You've come to a great place for support. We also have a special forum for substance abuse that you might be interested in. Give it a look.

FeelingGreat

Hi Peyton, welcome to SR. A lot of us who have quit our addiction have taken care not to be anywhere where we'll be tempted. For me (alcoholic) it meant staying away from certain social gatherings, and having wine in my house was unthinkable; even at 2 years I'm not sure I could leave it alone. So you can see how fragile recovery is in the early days.
You were presented with temptation when you weren't prepared and you caved. Just my opinion but I don't think you're 'not ready'; I think you were doing really well but just wasn't strong enough in the moment. If you can make absolutely sure your place is now clear of drugs, and you stay away from triggers, I bet you can still succeed.